Today I feel...

wonderful. It was a refreshingly relaxing day. Complete with a phone call to Mama. I love you, Mom! An outing and some Christmas lights. Warm soup and a warm home. A bump into friends. A quiet toddler. A teething baby. I am at peace with my day.

And wonder-full. Where did November go? I used to think the busy-ness of November and December was a bit of a lark. They can only be as busy as you make them, right?? And yet, somehow, despite doing no big Thanksgiving dinner with family and friends, no Christmas decorating or shopping or other Holiday prepping, November completely slipped away. I had blog posts planned, but not written. Words thought out again and again, but never typed. A plan, a dream, a mission. I've missed you, my friends.

And soon, my girls and I take off-to fly to a place often thought of, to pack our days with precious loved ones, to spend a month away from home. And I will miss you still.

May you all feel loved, may you all have hope, and may you all be at peace today.

Poetry in November

Shattered

My dreams
were big,
but I disregarded them all.
I focused
on one
and began to watch it fall.
All I needed to do was catch that star.

I searched,
I studied,
and I ran to catch that star.
I cried,
I pleaded,
I couldn't run that far.
In the end, the dream fell into bits upon the floor.

With pain,
with tears
I slowly picked those pieces up.
With silence
and fears
I scattered them out the door.
My big dream was gone forever.

But then,
one by one
strangers chose the pieces off the ground
with love
and tenderness
they cherished the treasures they had found
until only one was left.

I picked it up to realize it was the dream that would truly make me happy.
~2006

October's Best Books

My daughter and I loved this rhyming little ditty (okay, it's not a song, but it could be) of a book. Quick and easy to read it's simply fun to get through.

Ohhh, my. Cheerio and I found a copy of this book at our local used bookstore and I just couldn't pass it up. I remembered it from my childhood fondly, though I couldn't clearly remember the story line, and it didn't let me down. Cheerio also loves it and wonders "where my little toot, mom?" every time I put it away with the rest of the books.

And for me:

A first person account of an African child's experiences in war as an orphan, a soldier, a rehabilitated young man, and the moments the war caught up to him once again. A shocking horror as any war book will be.

A book set both in the eyes of a slave in southern U.S.A. and a modern day lawyer searching to discover the true painter to a set of famous and valuable paintings.

As someone who has little interest in newspapers and their electronic counterparts, I knew very little about the famous Amanda Knox and the case that surrounds her before picking up this book. I love these tragically real books-questionable guilt, innocent people accused, and police cases gone wrong- so really, this case was right up my alley and if I had had any notion of news at all, I probably would have been glued to the coverage with the rest of the world. I wonder if that would have brought a different outlook to this book?

Hope you all had an adventure-filled month with me!

10 ways to keep your nanny (without spending extra money)

In no particular order:

1. Find someone you trust, then trust her/him completely. Unless you are clear during the interview process that you will expect your nanny to stay home always, allow the nanny to bring your children places, to plan activities, and to care for them completely, just as you would with your spouse, parents, or best friend. Understanding that trust takes time to build, if you cannot trust your nanny completely after one year, it's probably time to find someone else.

2. Let her/him celebrate with  your children. Your nanny has grown to love your children and wants to be there to celebrate special occasions-birthdays, graduations, and other major accomplishments. Even if you cannot, or wish not to invite her/him into your own celebrations, make it clear that the nanny can plan a small second celebration during normal working hours-a gift, a cake, etc.

3. Schedule in regular time to discuss things with your nanny. Most "normal" jobs have monthly meetings, teachers schedule conferences with parents, and daycare's have both meetings AND conferences! Just as in these instances it is a good idea to schedule in time to discuss with your nanny how things are going. What you feel is missing in her/his performance, what the nanny is struggling to accomplish, any discipline concerns, what the children are learning (if applicable) and what things are going well for everyone concerned.

4. Don't ask her/him to work if you don't need them! This may have been a personal pet peeve of mine, but it was really frustrating to me to come to work on days when the parents planned to be home and spending time with the kids. When you are around your kids they want YOU-for everything! Realistically, the nanny isn't going to be much help and no matter how much he/she loves the work, watching you interact with your kids all day can be a bit boring. Your nanny would rather be at home that day-if you were going to pay her/him to come in for the day, it would be awfully nice for you to pass that on to her/him at home, too!

5. Be realistic. Even stay at home moms cannot get the dishes, laundry, vacuuming, dusting done everyday, so why would you expect it of your nanny? Pay close attention to what you accomplish on the days you're home with your kiddos, and don't expect much more from your nanny.

6. Don't be afraid to celebrate with him/her. People like to feel special. Most work places have set up cards for birthdays and anniversaries-your nanny is no different and likes to be remembered on these special days just as much as anyone.

7. Allow him/her to bring their children (when applicable) or be very clear during the interview process that you are not open to this (even if it seems as if there are no kids in his/her future-you never know how long they will work for you, or how quickly things might change!). Bringing kids is a HUGE benefit to any parent who is a nanny. Going hand in hand with this-be understanding about it. Your nannies children will probably demand more of her/his attention than your own simply because that is mom/dad-kids are always more comfortable with their own parents. Children have different temperaments, some seek out adults more often than others. Children of different ages demand varying amounts of attention. For example, babies take more hours worth of hands-on care than a five year old. Also, as long as no house rules are being broken, allow her/him to make their own parenting decisions. If your children are not being neglected, try to find a way to let it go.

8. Be clear on time. If you like to stay after work and chat with coworkers or grab a coffee, add those 10-20 minutes on to your time of arrival back home. If your work often changes and you never know if you can be home on time, make sure your nanny understands this before hire. If you go out of town on short notice, be sure your nanny understands this. If you are only on occasion expected to work late without notice be sure your nanny understands this, and don't be afraid to remind her/him occasionally. Whenever possible, notify your nanny of any changes ASAP.

9. If you notice that she/he has done something above and beyond your expectations, let her/him know! Praise goes a long way.

10. Okay, this one kind of breaks the rule about not spending extra money, but vacation time is always nice and paid is even better. If you get paid vacation at your job, your nanny would be ecstatic if you passed at least a portion of that on to her/him!

Are you a nanny? What keeps you working for your family? What do you wish they would change?

Depression is...

...funny. Not haha funny, but funny in the way in which the word is used to mean something that is so crazy you almost find it hard to believe. The way in which a coincidence is funny. Or irony is funny. A little sarcastic: a bit unbelieving that things could really be that way. You see--most people picture depression as a sadness. Something that forces you to crawl into bed and turn people away so you can cry in the dark all day long. Yes, depression can look like this, but that is just a hint of what depression can truly look like. Depression can be a myriad of emotions and feelings and thoughts and expressions. It is slightly different, yet entirely the same for each person. Mine is of sadness, and anger, and irritability, and thoughtfulness and yes, even of joy. I equate my struggles with postpartum depression as to that of a toddler. I can be utterly giddy with thankfulness and pleasure one moment, only for it to completely dissipate into irrational anger at some small thing where I turn to tantrums. It becomes an irritable anger so intense that it is pure uncaring hatred for anything in my way. Slamming doors and pounding fists. Stomping my feet across the floor, I fear at what I could use this anger for-what I could break, what I could hurt only to instantly regret and then, suddenly......the floor cracks underneath my stomping feet and disappears and some large, unseen beast comes up and swallows me whole as I tumble into that black space beneath the floor. He sucks out my insides and leaves me feeling a loss of which I never knew existed. A desire to sob uncontrollably, but the inability to find the source of my tears. A restless desperation to find them and set them free that lasts on into the night as stumble around in the darkness, looking. And occasionally, I find them-and what bliss it is to cry. Yet, how horrifying to discover the depths of my tears. The oceans of salt water existing inside me. This fear causes me to turn away from all-to wish to be alone in my personal drowning. How can anyone save me from this well that is inside myself? That circular life preserver cannot pull me to safety as I am not in the ocean, but the ocean is in me. Rather than unknowingly cling to someone in a desperate attempt to save myself, dragging them deep, I push them away. But, if they fight through my shoving hands, if they meet me in my ocean of tears and wrap me in a long, warm, strong hug-I cry harder, forcing that ocean out in raw, unwarranted sobs until I discover it is absorbed there in their t-shirt. The fact that a single t-shirt can hold entire oceans will never cease to amaze me. Nor will I ever stop being amazed that someone cares for me more than I, myself, possibly could in that moment. That they will fight for me. And, then, as if on a breeze...I am back to some other thought. Some other feeling. Some other moment. Some other day.


Depression is irritating. It is as if I am dragging my heart through the sand, each little particle embedding itself in a little deeper until I itch and ache. I do not want to feel this way, and yet I know no other way. I am frustrated with the pain, the anger, the hurt, and yet, I cannot figure out how to stop. How to change my path. My anger is deep, yet knowing it is there only makes me more angry. I snap-because I cannot rid myself of the feeling to snap, which makes me angry enough to put me over the edge. I become irritated at my heart. At my humanness. At myself. I cannot shake this irritation, this desire to not feel the way I do with no clue how to reign my feelings back in, to shut them down. I desire to feel normal, yet I cannot feel normal and it makes me crazy.

Depression is confusing. With so many thoughts and feelings flooding my brain, I feel as if I am losing control. I cannot concentrate on one thing. I forget what I am doing or where I am going. I forget what I wanted or where I can find it. I feel lost. I feel as if I am in a race where suddenly the start became the finish and no one clued me in. Everyone is running backwards and I continue gamely on as people swarm and surround me so that I cannot see my ultimate goal. I feel as though I am in a game of  which I originally understood, and then the rules completely changed and I am doing everything wrong, at the wrong times, with the wrong people. I can no longer make sense of reality. It is a logical knowing of the fact that, I have things good. That life is great and I am truly blessed. Still, it's the inability to get my feelings to match this logic all the time. To feel as if  my life is especially hard, or especially difficult, even while knowing it is not.

Depression is depressing. I berate myself every unwashed dish, every child's plea unfulfilled, every shower not taken. I agonize over every unorganized closet, every cobwebbed corner, every meal not made. I find all my flaws- any extra weight, perceived or real, any act of rudeness... meanness... thoughtlessness. And then I berate myself for berating myself and I cannot stop. I spiral into my self doubt, deeper and deeper.

Depression is exhausting. All those thoughts and feelings within the space of a few moments is tiring. The depths of those feelings tiring. But, more than that, I know I need to fight these feelings. I need to give myself leeway. I need to know that this is life-life is unwashed dishes, uncooked meals, unorganized closets. I need to remember that I am caring; a mother who loves completely her children, even if I do not respond to every moment with the attention it deserves. I need to remember that my husband feels loved, even though I do not wake up and make him breakfast each morning. I need to have patience with myself. I need to be vigilant for the negative thoughts and fight them. Vigilance is tiring. Fighting is tiring. No matter how many times I see the goodness in my life-the sunny smile of my baby, the beauty of a blue sky, a golden leaf, a long swim, a gentle walk, the abundance of my home, my family, my friends-I still need to force it upon myself again and again. I need to fight with my eyes and my brain to see and remember these things. I need to be conscious and vigilant at noticing each joy and fight through the greyness that can so quickly descend. Vigilance is tiring work. Fighting is tiring work. I need to force myself to move- I feel so confused, and sad, and angry, and annoyed that it can become so easy to just sit. To stare at the clouds out the window. To not eat. To not sleep. To not think. I have to be vigilant against these feelings. I have to fight through the confusion and take things step by step. I have to fight through the sadness and find the happy moment again. I have to fight through the anger and find my good cheer. Vigilance is tiring. Fighting is tiring. I need to reach out to people. I need to be vigilant against the monster who whispers that it is better to just let them go. I need to fight him, too tell him I do care about them, as they care about me. Vigilance is tiring. Fighting is tiring. Getting out the door is tiring. Thinking is tiring. Sleeping is tiring. Depression is all these things, but most of all, fighting depression is a battle I cannot do alone. I need love, support, and kindness even as I snap at you and push you away. It is so much easier to just give in, to not feel, to not think....to sink.


*for a description of depression that will have you in tears, visit Understanding Me, and this post here.

Poems are great!

Only With Love

A warm ray slips through and
r  e  a  c  h  e  s . . .
A cool drop taps on and
s
 l
  i
   d
    e
     s
And the nutrient dirt
PROVIDES.
The young flower slowly becomes beautiful.
I am as a flower; slow to show
my full beauty yet
without care I will
die.
~Jenae, 2006

© Jenae Karvonen

Love is beauty

My sweet little Cheerio and I were doing nothing special one day and I was busy watching the way she helped her sister find toys, and the way her whole body gets animated when she is excited-almost like a little puppy, and the way her long fingers grace each one of her toys, and the way her nose wrinkles, and the way her hair never stays combed, and I told her "Cheerio, you're beautiful!" Because she is. Everything about her is beautiful to me, and her reply gave me pause. "I love you, too." she said. 'Wow," I thought, "how true is that? Love is seeing the beauty!' When I love a certain day, it's because it was beautiful to me. When I love an outfit it's because I feel beautiful in it. When I love a painting or a song it is because it is in some way beautiful to me. And when I love a person, I find them to be beautiful. So, what if we looked for the beauty? Wouldn't we find the love there, too? <3 <3

© Jenae Karvonen

Children are the best philosophers I've ever met, yet they say everything so matter-of-factly, like it's something everyone already knows. What philosophical lesson you have received from a child?

September Reads

We try to make a library run once a week, and each week Cheerio is allowed to pick out four books, and I pick out one I think I'd like to read to her, for a total of five books, this month we read:

The two books on top in the photo above are books we added to our own personal collection this month.

Cheerio's Top Two: Caps For Sale and Another Brother

Mom's Top Two: ERNEST, the Moose Who Doesn't Fit and Ox-Cart Man

And we both loved: Mind Your Manners, B.B. Wolf

Okay, this last set of books was just super fun, and I do believe we both enjoyed reading ALL of the books selected. 

AND...Mom's books. I was just going to review my favorite book, but that ended up being TOO hard to choose! Ahh, the joys of a good book. :)

The books I read this month, in two sentences or less, were:

An amazing book about a young woman who embraces the challenges God asks of her and moves to Uganda fresh out of high school. Truly inspiring.

 An old mansion in small town Ireland is refurbished into a relaxing bed-and-breakfast style destination by the sea. We get a brief look into the lives of each of the guests who stay during opening week.

 A 12 year old girl lives with her often-gone mother in a single trailer by the tracks. She works hard to keep a semblance of normal in their lives with cheerful positivity.

 A college student takes on a job for a seemingly eccentric old woman to transcribe the diary of an accused Salem witch. Brings you into the emotions of Salem which will leave you wondering if it was a true story! :) P.S. If you ever decide to read this book, you may be interested in THIS link when you're finished. :)

NEVER hesitate to ask for more information about ANY book! What book do you recommend I read next? (Not that I don't have a long list already, but I'm always eager to add to it!)

This was NOT a drill...

Last week we experience a fire in our apartment building. We were incredibly lucky to be evacuated and out safely while seeing nothing more than a few tendrils of billowing smoke curling along the ceiling. The firemen came and went. When all was said and done, we came out with no damage but a lingering smoke smell seeping in through our walls from the hallway. For me it was inconvenient, a little surreal (these are things you only HEAR about right??), and a touch scary: Okay, I'll be honest here, I had nothing prepared for in case of fire, and since my cell phone and purse are rarely in their designated "spots" I left the house with my mostly-to-half naked children and one very large blanket dragging along behind us to curl up in-thankfully I was dressed at least! We had a very kind lady from the next building over take us into her apartment shortly after arriving slipper-footed in the parking lot (another thing I'm thankful for-I rarely wear slippers in the apartment!). While Cheerio doesn't seem to be traumatized (again, thankful!), neither do I appreciate comments about how 'exciting' this must have been for her! Honestly, I think she just found it rather inconvenient as well, she just wanted to go back home and continue her day! As did my poor baby, who was yanked from the comfort of her nap with none of her paci's to keep her calm. But, back to my point; A fire is not exciting, someone lost their home-at least temporarily- and probably a great number of belongings that day. Why do we teach our children that firemen and police officers have exciting careers? While I have great respect and a deep sense of wonder for all these hero's accomplish in their every day lives, neither do I wish my children willy-nilly choose to risk their lives in this type of profession. If my child should choose to become a firefighter, or a police officer, or to fight for my freedom, or any other such profession, I can only hope it would be for much more honorable reasons than the fact that people view it as exciting. I can only hope they will be more passionate about their career choice-whatever it may be.

Image from here.

An old part of me....

I discovered a small book of poems I had written quite a few years ago. It is amazing to look at them and see how far I have come in finding meaning and happiness for my life. I have chosen to share them with you in the next few weeks/months and hope you will be kind to the person I once was. It is hard for me to type them up exactly as they are and not change anything-wording, content, punctuation, but I did it! They're all typed up, but I'll share them one at a time as seems appropriate. I actually feel they are quite poetic in their own way. Who knew poems were so fun? Enjoy!

gone
with a gentle hug
you wiped away the tears.

sunlight dazzled off the water,
sparkles glittered in the dew.

and you promised
all you wanted for me was happiness.

then you went home for the day, the week, the year,
and you took all of the sunshine away.

I could no longer believe everything you had to say
and I need relief from that pain.
~2006

Do you like to write poems, read poems, or are poems a bit too vague for you, generally?

Sharing Another's Joy

I have recently had a couple conversations lately where I have been telling someone about an aspect in my life and they responded with "I'm so happy for you!" and I wonder...why don't I use that phrase more often? It is such a simple thing that can mean so much. Often it's the big things we wish to share with our friends- A move, deciding on a major in college, a marriage, a new baby, a vacation. But sometimes it's the little things that make the most impact on the person sharing the news, because they say more about who we are: A far-away friend blessed with a sunny day, a cup of coffee, a new pair of shoes, a secret pleasure (like coloring in coloring books at 26 years old), even a pack of bubble gum! So, when someone comes to us to share news that they are excited about, why is it so hard for us to say "I'm so happy for you!"? I know sometimes it can be hard to feel excited. I mean, a new pack of gum? Yeah. Great. That's practically an every day occurrence around here....but perhaps this person doesn't purchase gum that often. Or maybe it's a new flavor. Or possibly they just really, really like gum. And the fact that they came to YOU to share their joy should have meaning to you. They chose YOU to be the person in their lives that they wanted to talk to! So open your heart and be excited! Stop a moment and SEE them, watch the twinkle in their eye, follow the bounce in their step, realize how much this means to them and join them in their joy. Their joy can become your joy if you just let it.

Photo taken from here.

While we tend to have a hard time getting excited about the little things, because-well, to us, they're little, it's the big things that have the biggest impact on us as the news receivers. Perhaps your best friend is moving to a new state-or even a new country! Maybe your co-worker is having her fifth child while you're still trying for your first. Or your brother purchased a new house while you're struggling to make rent on your dingy apartment.... remember, when you give a less-than-enthusiastic response, you just may be stealing their happiness, which does not help you in the least. Having a best friend who is no longer excitedly looking forward to moving does not keep them in the house across the street. Neither does stealing your brothers joy over his new house get you into one of your own faster...so why not just let them be happy?

Photo taken from here.

Often times when someone comes to us with great news, it is our reaction to feel jealous. We compare. We look at their sparkle and find that it exposes our shadows. And so, we desire to quickly turn out the light. How can we stop that natural instinct? How can we go from wishing their home was our home, to celebrating in the light they are giving off?

It may help to understand exactly what causes our jealousy. When our best friend decides to move to an exciting new country, we feel jealous of her. We may look at her and wonder, "what did she do to deserve that?" "How can she leave me here all alone?" "Why can she afford that when I cannot?" The problem is, these questions quickly and subtly turn into questions about ourselves-"what quality am I lacking that I am not provided these opportunities?" "Why doesn't anyone love me?" "Why am I not smart enough to land her job?" and these insecurities are very damaging to ourselves, while not harming your best friend in the least. Irish writer Elizabeth Bowen once wrote, "Jealousy is no more than feeling alone against smiling enemies." But our best friend didn't plan to move just to spite us. And we are not alone. It is really not HER we are jealous of, but the circumstances she finds herself in. "Envy, after all, comes from wanting something that isn't yours." -Jodi Picoult, Perfect Match. What we need to do is find the real source of our jealousy and let the person off the hook. Why do her circumstances make us jealous? Once we have pinned down why we are jealous, let this knowledge help us grow in our own lives. We have a choice. We can choose to grow bitter , or we can choose to make peace with our lives. We can remind ourselves of the good things we DO have. We can remind ourselves that we cannot stop feeling envious, but we can choose the way we deal with it. Do we take away another's joy? Or to we add to it? Do we build resentment towards another's circumstances? Or do we find a way to make peace with it's lack in our own lives (over and over if need be) and participate in the genuine joy radiating off the people around us? My new goal is to always choose joy, and to be sure I make the other person aware of that choice. What's your choice?

What other phrases have you heard, or use, that you think should become more commonplace?

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201109/what-drives-jealousy
http://www.forbes.com/sites/alicegwalton/2013/01/22/jealous
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/when-your-friends-happy-news-fills-you-with-envy-instead-of-joy/

My blog has been awarded!

Sofia over at Star-Spangled Sisu has presented me with the 

Thanks Sofia! She has given me a short list of questions she would like me to answer about myself, so here goes:

1. What's your favorite school subject?
You know, there are so many factors that go into this question, while I was in school I think I'd have to go with English-type classes. Reading...writing...just no vocab quizzes please, and seriously, not every book has some secret, hidden agenda!
2. Where would be your dream place to live?
Hmmm.....it must include water. Preferably a natural source. And sunshine. And finally, I'd want a view (anyplace with natural water, you've pretty much got your view, guaranteed). Someplace that makes my heart sing. I have imagined living on a house boat. Yes, I probably totally romanticize it, plus houseboats don't really ever just float down the river with no actual home these days, which is what is always a part of this fantasy. Somewhere near the ocean sounds amazing, but I know I'd miss the snow; building snow sculptures and snow angels and skating and hot chocolate afterwards. Plus I'd miss the fall; the rainbow of golds and the brilliant reds that splash out against the browns and greens of the leaves and the briskness of the air that makes you feel alive and awake. And what about spring? The tiny, delicate, you-nearly-miss-it splash of color as the flowers come back. So....where can I live that has water, sunshine, seasons, and a view? The only place I know, a lake in MN. Find me that lake house (that I can afford) and I'm back in a heartbeat. So long, dear husband. ;)

©Jenae Karvonen

3. What have you read lately?
 Aside from starting and finishing the book that had been waiting on my nightstand in my previous post(LEFT neglected by Lisa Genova, a slow start, but totally worth it)? The comics from the Sunday paper (yes, I know it is Friday already), a pile of children's books my daughter and I just brought home from the library, and a couple blogs I was nosing into by following the awards nominations backwards :) But, I just picked up, TODAY, a book I have been looking forward to reading for a long time now-Kisses From Katie by Katie Davis with Beth Clark and can't wait to get started!

4. What do you wish was for supper today?
Whatever it is, I wish I didn't have to worry about how it would affect my nursing baby, or my own personal health goals. Perhaps huge plate of taco salad loaded with guacamole, and spicy salsa, and CHEESE, with a small sprinkling of olives and Doritos. Cooked, created, and delivered to me by someone else, of course. ;)

5. Make a 5 word sentence that describes your day.
Full of two little girls.

6. Cheese, cake, or cheesecake?
AHHHH, CHEESECAKE!  Can I add cheesecake onto my dream supper for desert?? Please?

7. Name a favorite fictional character and why they're your favorite.
Wow, you obviously do not know how many fictional characters I have fallen in love with-just from books! One of the first to come to mind is Anne Shirley (From Anne of Green Gables) because she is so enthusiastic and funny and bubbly-honestly, how could you not love her??  I also love Jo March from Little Woman who is feisty, but oh so lovable. And Polly from The Five Little Peppers and How They Grew. And Peeta Mellark from The Hunger Games because he just has such a gentle heart. Plus Ramona Quimby (featured in Ramona Quimby, Age 8)and Junie B. Jones (From the series by Barbara Park) and Madeline (From Ludwig Bemelmans' books). I could go on and on....maybe it will have to be a post someday :)

8. Why did you start your blog?
For this question I will simply refer you to the first paragraphs of my first post here: Another Giant Leap: I have been wanting to start a blog for a long time now...for so long, in fact, that this first post just may be quite lengthy! I'm not sure what originally started my longing to create a blog, perhaps it was my desire for an outlet. I am a stay at home mom to a very special and unique two-year-old bundle of energy in an area where I have zero family. When we first moved here, I also knew a total of zero other people, and I hold anxieties about leaving my dear adorable daughter with anyone, really, but especially with those I don't know intimately (as family or close, long-time friends) and trust explicitly. I'll write more about that in another post. So, essentially, I need an outlet because I spend all my time with my daughter, and don't take much of a break for myself. No babysitters, no daycares, no preschool, no date nights, just a few hours here and there when I leave her behind with my hubby, or she is sleeping /taking much needed time alone.

Anyways, the itch was there, and when my super-creative and talented-writer sister created a few blogs, here and here, as part of a school class, my desire only increased. I longed to write my own meaningful posts, to create my own meaningful discussions (hint, hint: I really would love audience participation here! Go ahead, challenge my thinking!), and its been moving farther and farther to the front of my mind, day by day, until here I am now!

And finally, 9 facts about myself:
1. I used to think the world actually worked the way it did in books. For example I really thought that if I still slept with my doll and told my friends at age seven, in the end everyone would understand and we'd all be better people.
2. I like to color. In coloring books. With Crayons.
3. If I didn't use my computer as a major source to connect with my current far-away family and friends, I think I would get rid of it until my kiddos started school at least because I think it would be better for building the relationships in my own little family, and for my mental health, too.
4. I want to hang my own photographs on my walls, I guess I'm kinda conceited :)
5. I still want to own some My Little Pony's.
6. I love books! Well known, but who cares?
7. I often prefer to sit in the sun, even on hot days.
8. I really like energetic people. I sometimes go through the drive through at Starbucks just to talk to the bubbly barista. I always drive away with a smile on my face.
9. I wish I could go back to high school. Not that I want to be 18 again or anything, but I like that atmosphere of learning and I don't think it would be quite the same with college classes.

And my

goes out to Meriel from Create3.5 who has a surprisingly interesting blog considering I have no idea how to sew.

And Sofia from Understanding Me for THIS amazing post! I have seldom seen it described this well!

Please answer the following questions, then follow by nominating two other "new" bloggers (less than 200 followers, however you would find that out)! Have fun!

1.What's a random word you like and how would you define it?

2. How did you come up with the title for your blog?

3. How has your day gone, no, really, how are you actually feeling today?

4. What is your favorite quote, and who is it by?

5. What is your favorite blog post you have written and why? 

6.How many blogs do you follow?

7. If you could only read one book for the rest of your life, what would it be and why?

8. There is a box. Right there. You just found it. Whats inside?

and 9 random facts about yourself, ready, set go!

My Bookshelf: part two

Image taken from here.

I could not share my bookshelf without including the books contained within this post, because some of them are honestly my absolute favorites. I wish I had had the time and space to include these books in the last post, because I honestly feel a good book can be enjoyed by all ages, and although I understand to a certain extent why books are separated into "children's" "young adult" and "adult" I feel like people miss out on so many great stories when they restrict themselves to books only found in certain areas. I honestly wish libraries were just a jumble of books with a single "restricted section" reserved strictly for those stories with content children should not read. I love to browse my entire library and you will find me curled up on my couch reading books intended for "children" of all ages. So, I hate that my blog has these books so clearly in their own "section" so to speak as I feel they are stories that can be thoroughly enjoyed by adults and children alike. My current bookshelf is completed with the inclusion of these precious books (yes, they are found on my bookshelf--out of my daughters reach, although we do read many of them together almost as often as the ones found on her bookshelf): 

The Velveteen Rabbit: Although this is a really sweet story about a little stuffed rabbit who longs to be "real" and his adventures with the boy he loves, I have mostly saved this book because of the gorgeous illustrations this particular version includes. Count to 10 With A Mouse uses rhythm and rhyme to capture the attention of you and your child and is a tale of a mouses journey through the pages of this beautiful book. You Are My I Love You has wonderful, creative descriptions of a parents relationship with their young child and is sweet in a capture your heart kind of way. Wherever You Are, my love will find you is a parents promise to their child that they will always be loved, in a poetic way that draws you in. This book also has gorgeous, fun illustrations that will make you  wish you had them to hang on the nursery wall. Love Song for a Baby is another book that uses fun descriptions to express the love a parent has for their child in a sweet, poetic way. A Cup of Christmas Tea makes me tear up every. Single. Time. A story of a man who visits his elderly aunt at Christmas, despite all his reservations and excuses for why he shouldn't need to go. Llama Llama Red Pajama is a little llama who loves being tucked into bed by his momma and his worries and reservations on a typical night. I Know a Wee Piggy would be a great book for learning colors. A story about a pig who visits a colorful fair in rhyming verse my daughter can't get enough of. Mornings at the Truck Stop include regular customers and their vehicles the little boy in the story embraces into his routine like they are members of his own family. A great way to introduce the topic of animals and where they live and sleep is A House Is A House For Me. This is also a book written in that rhythmic rhyming style that children simply embrace. The Twelve Gifts of Birth: technically belonging to my daughter, this is a gift to her about the gifts we would hope for all children to receive at birth, things like goodness, happiness, understanding, and hope. A book especially great for helping your child understand those with physical impairments, Puppies For Sale is a heart-tugging story about a little boy who wants to purchase the runt of the litter. Harold and the Purple Crayon is just a cute story about a little boy who uses his purple crayon to create his own little world at bedtime. The Biggest Bear is special in our house because it was daddies favorite book as a boy and is about a child who wishes his family had a bear skin to hang on their barn just like all his neighbors. Green Eggs and Ham -because who can resist Dr. Seuss? My First Read and Learn Bible is a new favorite in our house. Simple, clear stories from the bible to help your child learn all about God and Jesus. I will admit that Hug can get annoying quickly when your child wants to read it over and over again because "hug" really is almost the only word in the entire book, but it is a way too cute story about a baby monkey just looking for a hug-won't anyone help him out? 

Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle is a magical grandmotherly little lady who helps resolve all the problems mothers in her neighborhood experience with their children. Everyone will fall in love with spirited Ramona Quimby-like Junie B. Jones who has just started Kindergarten! If you are looking for a book that will keep you laughing, a book that I would recommend to anyone in a heartbeat, Cheaper by the Dozen is that book. A time-saving father and a quiet mannered mother raise a dozen children all their own. (For anyone who has seen the movie based on this book, I personally cannot understand how they can claim to have gotten that story out of this book-DO NOT refuse to read this book based on the movie, and DO NOT judge this book based on this misrepresentation). Trixie Beldon books are probably pretty comparable to Nancy Drew mysteries, but in my humble 12 year old (or so) opinion, better, and harder to find, so I had to save at least one. What's your favorite children's book?

Image taken from here.

p.s. with a few exceptions I have a harder time keeping track of authors of children's books. I find sorting children's books by author is a bit like just tossing them in one big pile and saying go for it. I remember titles much better at this level. :)

My Bookshelf, part one

Image taken from here

Considering I am a reader, this blog topic was surprisingly difficult for me. Partly because, due to limited space, I really don't even HAVE a "bookshelf" right now, just a box in the closet where I keep a select few books that I just couldn't bear to part with. I am the kind of reader who doesn't usually read a book more than once, and I continue picking up new books, searching for another adventure. Still, I fall in love-with the characters, the places, the ideas within a book, and cannot see it go. I also dream that someday my daughters will read the books I have saved, or I will read the books aloud to them. I realize this may be a bit unrealistic. So, in an ideal world, my bookshelf really could  look like this image on the right:

I have started a board on Pinterest to collect images of titles I wish I owned. Perhaps I haven't saved them because I currently do not have the space for them, or maybe I borrowed the book from the library (or my own personal library-Mom), or maybe I read it on my kindle, but want to own a hard copy (because those are always better). Whatever the reason, this board is still currently hugely lacking in titles. There are just way too many books I have loved to remember all the titles and collect them there. Usually it's a long process of re-discovering the book somewhere and then remembering to come back and pin it.

Anyways, I am a reader of a wide variety of books and genres, but ones that play with my emotions capture my heart the most, as I think you can tell by taking a look at the books I have saved for the future. My current box of books includes these titles:

I do own all the books in the Harry Potter Series, by J.K. Rowling, but just chose the first two to represent them here. If you have yet to read Harry Potter-do it. Do it now. I don't care if it is one of those books that are just too "common" for you, or if you think you don't like fantasy books, or if you're afraid of wizards. Whatever the reason, I promise you, it will be worth your time. Situated in post civil war America The Help , by Kathryn Stockett, is written in the viewpoint of two black women and one white woman. Both of the black women are maids working for their white "masters" (no longer being owners) as citizens of the "lower class", dealing with the confusing and often conflicting worlds of those who work in such intimate settings. The white woman, Skeeter, is a new college graduate with a degree in journalism who has just returned home and cannot seem to fit within the social guidelines her mother and her friends expect from her. Seemingly on very different paths, the three women band together on a project that will risk their very lives and open the eyes of many around them. The Last Valentine, by James Michael Pratt, is a love story like no other. A woman says goodbye to her Navy pilot husband and then proceeds to wait for him to return home for the next 50 years-until the day she receives the last valentine he ever sent her. Sounds very blase based on my description, but just read it. ;) The very best book Jodi Picoult has written in the history of ever (IMHO): My Sisters Keeper. A tear jerking story with a surprising twist at the end. It is about a little girl who was conceived specifically to save her dying older sister from cancer and her fight for the rights to her own body. Sounds creepy, I know, but you'll just have to trust me on this one. Seriously. The Kite Runner, by Khaled Hesseini. It's been so long since I've read this book I cannot clearly remember what it was about. Two little boys, one the son of a servant, the other the son of the rich man and their friendship, betrayal, and redemption....or something like that. A story any high schooler could identify with, and especially anyone who has ever been ostracized, singled out, picked on, teased, bullied would be Please Stop Laughing at Me, by Jodi Blanco. I read it in 11th or 12th grade and cried and cried.... tuesdays with Morrie, by Mitch Albom is one of those uplifting books that will seriously change your life. It is one of the few books I have chosen to read more than once. A struggling young man visits his old {favorite} college professor on his death bed and learns more lessons from this sweet, wise old man than anyone could ever imagine. The Hunger Games, by Suzanne Collins- read the first book, then stop. I promise you you will enjoy the series much better this way. This book shocked me and tore at my heart. It is a book about sisterhood, love, loss, and humanity. Somebody Else's Kid by Torey Hayden is here to represent all Torey Hayden books. Torey Hayden is a real teacher working in a real classroom full of troubled students. She is the teacher to the children who are unteachable-the last ditch effort, you could say. Someplace for the children everyone else has given up on- and she shares their stories with a heart so big, and a will so powerful, you cannot help but be amazed. From Christmas to Christmas. A collection of short stories centered around a Christmas theme and taking place within the Laestadian Lutheran religion (which I am a part of). The Louis L'amour book is actually technically part of my husbands bookshelf, unlike me he reads the same books over and over until they are memorized, and then reads them again-Louis' are his favorite. He also keeps Vince Flynns and books in the Jack Reacher series by Lee Child. I wanted to have them represented here because sometimes they are exactly the kind of light read I need to get through in one night without really thinking at all. :) And, The Nice Girl Syndrome by Beverly Engel. A self-help book that, though I haven't completed it and read it in starts and stops (which is why I still have it),  has really helped me grow into a stronger, more confident person. Of course, no bookshelf is really complete without including the books on the nightstand-I don't have room on mine to hold all of the books I have collected to "read later", but it does always hold one I am reading or waiting to read-currently we are in the waiting stage, but it comes highly recommended by my mom, and she is my favorite go-to place for recommendations, and so I anticipate adding it to my "must own someday" books. The top two books are the ones on my nightstand: 

What book are you into right now?

**I apologize to Sofia B. if she was hoping for a recommendation for a new book to read, I doubt she will find one here. :)

Challenge Post Topic: The Books On Your Bookshelf. Challenged by Sofia.

Connect with someone!

This is a topic that has been covered by many a blogger, but I think it's something that cannot be said enough: we need to remember to connect with others! Some say this immersion into our own private worlds is a new phenomenon, created by the invention of that ultimate attention grabbing device-the smart phone. But, whether it be today....

Photo taken from here.

Or yesterday.....

Photo taken from here.

it is a reminder that simply cannot be overdone. Talk to a stranger. Reconnect with an old friend. Call your parents. Hug your child. Spend time with your husband. Listen to your best friend. Away from the phone with all its apps, away from the computer with all its social media, away from the newspaper with all its solitude. One thing popular blog Humans of New York continually reinstates in me is the knowledge that everyone has an important life lesson to teach. We, as a society, can be so quick to judge each other- by our clothing, our hairstyles, our talents, and our bad days. We need to support each other and love each other and carry each other through the rough times. As my super-creative sister reminded me in a recent post on her own blog it cannot be said any better than this quote from the book To Kill a Mockingbird:

Purchase this mug here.

So, Stop. Listen. Learn. Connect. See.

Blog Post Challenge Topic: one important thing people should stop/start doing more. Challenged by Sofia from Star-Spangled Sisu.

I need your help!

I have read a number of "blog help" posts and idea boards that say it's important to have a purpose for your blog. Some people say this means you need to have a central theme for your blog; be it mothering, crafting, sewing, etc. But to me, the one that made the most sense is this one from the nesting place that simply includes the idea of a purpose statement (and therefore, you don't necessarily have to restrict content to a certain area). I have been seriously considering what my purpose statement would be and wondering if I will have the time I need to create the blog I want, and the blog my readers want. To help me figure that out I would love to hear from you! Please post in the comments which current blog posting has been your favorite and why. Also let me know which future post idea appeals to you the most:

*A good book appeals to all ages
*Having an open mind/acceptance and what does this mean
*Keeping my life simple
*My Crazy mothering ideas
*Family interactions/pressure
*Why third world countries may not be worse off
*Learning to care for myself
*Recipe reviews
*Being a "hands on" mom & other mothering adventures/advice
*Happiness, why we seek it
*posts that are positive encouragement for daily life


Thanks so much for your help! I can't wait to hear what you have to say!

Feeling uninspired.

While I seem to be having more energy, and I was determined to get this blog back up and running, every time I sit in front of the computer screen, I feel as blank inside as the page in front of me. I want to write something positive, inspired, and inspiring, but I just don't feel particularly positive, inspired, or inspiring. It seems that I have a bit more energy, but I'm lost on what to do with it, which leaves me feeling bored and listless. Of course there are things I could do, like plan and organize freezer meals for after baby comes, but my brain can't seem to focus on the research that takes. I Google "dairy free freezer meals" and instantly feel overwhelmed, plus unless Cheerio is in quiet time, she's at my elbow chattering away, wondering what I am doing, and when I am going to get off the computer. My husband is working twelve hour days, and even pulled an eight hour shift on one of his "weekend" days this past week. And while it feels like we were desperate for the extra cushion of money that brings in, it is difficult. We just don't see him anymore. Cheerio and I (well, really, I) had decided that it would be better for us to spend a bit more time at home, but suddenly we find ourselves car-less and spending a lot more time at home than we anticipated, while my car is excruciatingly slowly having an antifreeze leak fixed. Those two things combined, all at once, leaves me longing for a connection with someone. And I think Cheerio is noticing, too. Constantly wanting me to entertain her, asking to go to the library, to play with her 'friends' I really should focus and figure out the bus system here, since the bus stop is less than a block away from us, but it feels daunting, I have never taken a bus anywhere in my life. And I'm really terrible with street names. But, the bus could get us to many places; the mall, the library, the family museum...

But even those things are not exactly what I am looking for either. I want someone to come over and chat, and someone with whom Cheerio can interact with, too. We find ourselves bumping into each other in this small apartment, looking for things to do, people to talk to, something to inspire us. This, too, shall pass....

Photo taken from here.

Hit by a Truck....

that's all I can say. The sandman, he's been overly generous with my portion of sand lately, and I'm kinda wishing he'd share the generosity with someone else...like, perhaps, my daughter??? But, we don't always get what we wish for. I was really tired during the first trimester of this pregnancy, but I also was n-o-t NOT feeling well, so it didn't seem all that weird when I couldn't scrounge up the energy to bring my daughter to the park, the pool, the...anywhere, much less cook and clean...... I literally offered her dry cereal for one of her meals some days because that is all that I could do. And don't get any visions of some cute little picnic with dry cereal in a bowl and a nice glass of cold juice. Nope, I'd just hand her the box. Well, it's back....except, this time it's missing the whole not feeling well thing (thankfully) so it feels really strange to not have the energy to go places (and here is where I add, just a little, not thankfully about not feeling well, because now I feel guilty for being so tired, instead of blaming it on not feeling well). During the second trimester, and pre-pregnancy, we went somewhere almost every morning, and EVERY evening that Hubby Chad had to work (or sleep, depending upon which shift he had). Being so tired, It's actually not too good for my self-esteem. Who doesn't have energy to find a meal for their little one? What other mom needs to wake their husband (after he has slept for just four or five hours) because you are so tired you're in tears (even though you got a full eight hours of sleep during the night)? I feel guilty that I look forward to every moment Cheerio sits in quiet time, but still I secretly set the timer for 1 or 2 extra minutes, because that's one or two extra minutes I can sit and veg. I simply cannot function like this. And, remember, Cheerio's not a great sleeper, which makes the struggle that much more difficult. I do think I have a little more energy now than before, but perhaps that's just because I'm not feeling sick? I mean, I have still been making it to the gym to swim three times a week-well, as long as there is an open lane! I'm not so good at sharing... In my struggle with energy, it has been suggested more than once that if I just get out there and do it, exercise will actually provide me with energy, all I need to do is make it a routine. And gosh, I tried SO HARD, many times, to make it work....it doesn't. I need to give up something, like cleaning my house and making meals, in order to find the energy for exercise. And I just can't live like that, either. There are two things I found that I managed to continue with. Dojo-style Karate, which got much too expensive, plus I moved away from the...uhm...studio? I was taking it through, plus I have even less spending money now...much, much less. And swimming. Swimming is my life. Swimming is my joy. I think I am part mermaid, I love it that much. Really, I just love water; I don't even have to be in it, just near it, to be wrapped in a personal bliss, surrounded with happiness and filled to the brim with joy. I feel relaxed, stress free, happy around water. I think I *need* a house on a beach..seeing the ocean waves every day....no? Okay, a lake...a pond? At least a backyard pool! Unless I can somehow do some major convincing, none of that will happen. Hubby Chad is petrified of kids drowning when moms not looking, apparently. Which is interesting, because his parents live on a pond, and when we lived near them, we were there almost every day just to get out on the pond. Paddle boating, fishing, sitting on the grass, listening to the waves lapping gently against the dock and the loons calling to one another....he likes water, too (even if he doesn't like to get in it).

Anyways, I got lost on a tangent. So I might be feeling more energetic than during the first trimester, because I can still go swimming (only if Hubby Chad comes along to help with Cheerio, though now that I think of it we still went swimming as a family during my first trimester, too), and I can still find and make meals, for all three meals of the day. But, at the same time, maybe that's only because I finally gave in, and I am drinking the coffee I have craved off and on this whole pregnancy. Yes, dear friends and family, you read that right, coffee. Me, drinking coffee...you're just gonna have to come visit now so you can see it! (just please, forgive me if I don't do any cleaning or laundry in preparation for your stay...it might be safer to get a hotel ;) ) I never thought I would see the day. But, mmmmm, all that caffeine, its delightful! Please, please, please let this be some pregnancy thing that I'll drop when the baby is born. (yes, some women give up their coffee habit for their dear wee ones growing in their bellies, I pick it up instead). And that coffee, all that does is help me find the energy for the basics. The making of meals, the plopping of the dishes in the dishwasher, the reading of books to my daughter, the putting on of clothes in the mornings. And even then I often shed a tear or two once I lay in bed for the night, because it feels sooo good to be there, I am that tired. I have never been more thankful for modern conveniences....like dishwashers, and pizza delivery, and *ahem* Kindles with kids apps that keep a little girl entertained for a full hour...so I apologize in advance if this blog gets pretty quiet, unsightful, boring, uninteresting, lame. I will probably be in bed sleeping instead of coming up with blog posts...like I am heading for now...Hope you all are feeling much more energetic and at peace with your lives! zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...............

I am so blessed!

Pulling An All-Nighter

Back in my (pre)teens, staying up all night--you had to be awake until at least 7 am for it to count--referred to as an "all-nighter", was deemed a pretty cool thing to do and I'd have to say that I wasn't very "cool". I only ever pulled one "true" all-nighter--and thought to myself, "never again!" I was not made to stay up all night. I was not even made to stay up late at night....generally speaking, midnight is my quota-I've been up way past bedtime by then! Anyways, my all-nighter experience was terrible, being so tired I cannot even function. At that point easy words like "shirt" totally evade my mind and I am left going "I put on my pants and my uhm.....my -you know, my...like...the green...uh, THING!............SHIRT! That's what I'm trying to say!" Being so tired my stomach rolls and tosses....my eyes feel grainy...my limbs don't respond when I tell them to move...just walking down a hall feels like a bigger effort than climbing Mount Everest would be. I do believe I could never work overnights, and have never once attempted such a silly thing (and am thankful for those who can and do-Dr's, nurses, firemen, etc), because I know what I am like when I don't get my sleep--a Momma BEAR who's child has just been threatened, not to mention those sick feelings and being unable to function properly. And so, getting up with my sweetie is probably the most difficult thing I am expected to do as a mom. And, unfortunately, I got blessed with a daughter who isn't that great a sleeper. Still, at almost three years old, it seems like we are awake nights more often than not. If anything, anything wakes her, she cannot get back to sleep. She gets up to pee (already-I'm not exactly sure why we bother with diapers anymore except that probably once a month she does actually sleep through it, or something), she gets up with growing pains, she gets up when she's sick, she gets up for reasons I just cannot figure out--did she hear daddy come home? Did she have a nightmare? Did she get too many cups of cocoa (caffeine)? Last night was one of those nights...the ones where I have no idea what originally woke her...but she came sauntering into our bedroom completely awake around 2:30 am.....and couldn't fall back to sleep until sometime after 5. Now, I know that isn't exactly grounds for an all-nighter, but at this stage in my life it still feels like one! I wish I had some super secret trick for getting her to fall back to sleep. We've tried letting her get up to play-sometimes she plays very happily, sometimes she is so tired she begs to rock, or simply lays on the floor and looks at her toys halfheartedly. Either way, getting up doesn't seem to help her fall back to sleep any sooner, it still takes hours once we settle her back into bed. We have tried lullabies, we have tried snuggles, we have tried rocking....for hours and hours. We have tried essential oils, we've (in desperation) tried Tylenol justincaseshewaswakingupfrompain. We try warm bottles- every time. She sleeps with a special lovey, she still gets a paci. We have tried making her lay in a dark room...with us and without us...she tosses and turns, she sighs and rubs her eyes, she moans and flips....yes for hours. If we make her do it alone, sometimes she cries...and cries...and cries.... and so it's been easiest just to either get up, or get half-sleep while she tosses beside me. The only suggestion I can think of that we haven't tried is to let her cry it out all night long. I think I've topped it off at a half hour, and even that was an incredibly agonizing, I am so desperate and tired and I disappeared to cry myself half hour...because I can't last longer than that knowing my child is, or might be, crying. I'm not judging moms who do, I am sure there are things I do that they could not do. I am just saying that I cannot imagine what that would feel like to just need... whatever it is she needs- and have no one there for comfort. With all that, I'm getting nervous for life with nursing baby plus non-sleeping three year old...I think it will take a miracle....is there anything I haven't tried? Help me out, please! Now, excuse me while I go get some sleep!

My (Over-Done) "It's Cold Outside" Post

Blog posts about the cold are probably getting a bit overdone, but here are my two cents on the matter... Number one, I am not one who will complain about it. Nor do I like commenting on how cold it is. I live in an area where I can expect bitter cold in the winter, and overly hot and muggy in the summer, so why act like someone has done me a wrong when I get what I know is *reasonably expected*? Really, the cold did not get to me. On the coldest day (yup, I get that we didn't get as cold as all you MN's, but it was still cold..I know for sure it hit fourteen below, and probably even lower) Hubby Chad and Cheerio bundled up and partially cleared the snow off our balcony with her little sand shovel. They couldn't have been out there more than ten minutes, but she was still very happy to have made it out to play in the "no"-one of her absolute favorite things to do (okay, she has a lot of absolute favorites). And the rest of the day, we enjoyed a fire and made dairy-free cookies, and sipped our "coffees" (aka hot cocoa) out of snowman cups. It was pleasant. It was restful. It was a change of pace from our normal day-to-day craziness.

found here

And number two, since I said there was two cents worth, is that I actually do enjoy winter. As much as I am a sun-worshiping, summer-loving, hot-weather-hog, there is a special thrill and excitement in winter that I think I would truly miss if I lived somewhere without cold. There is a beauty winter holds that nothing can beat. I mean, look at this: 

© Jenae Karvonen 2012

and this:

© Jenae Karvonen 2012

© Jenae Karvonen 2012, 2012, and 2010

and this, and this, and this:

I mean seriously, where would I be if I did not have the opportunity to enjoy all this beauty? I am sure you know that a photo just cannot capture what being there felt like, I am only giving you the slightest glimpse of one small detail. Without winter I would be missing out on so much mother nature has to offer me... And have you ever stepped outside on a cold, clear night (better yet, gone ice skating??) when the stars really do hang like diamonds in the sky, and the air....I cannot even begin to describe the air. It has a certain smell that will clear your mind and lift your spirits in a way that no summer ever can. You know that just-after-it-rains-and-everything-feels-new smell? A winter night is like that, only more inspiring. So really, every winter, I do discover there is a summer inside me, because winter brings those feelings out in a way that summer somehow lacks. Every summer I forget how wonderful winter makes me feel, and start thinking I could live without cold weather. Then winter comes along and *WHAM* I am hit with this internal summer, this internal joy springing up from somewhere deep with in me. Everything is clean, fresh, pure.....and cold.