Introversion Part Three: Applying It To My Life

Gosh, I feel like there are a million ways being an introvert has affected my life...... hopefully I don't jump around TOO much, so that you can still follow what I am saying!! As I mentioned in part one, I once took the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) personality test as part of my sessions with a psychiatrist. I scored a 100% preference for introversion that day, and he told me that in all his years in his practice, he had never before seen anyone score 100%. Taking into consideration that introversion is only found in one out of four people; it's a fact that introverted people are a minority. Basically, I think it is safe to say that I am in the minority of a minority (but I could be wrong). I am WAY up there on the introversion scale, which I feel can make things extra difficult for me. I'm still not entirely positive what the percentages mean (well...actually, it means I have 100%-oralittleless-tendency towards introversion versus extroversion) so, given the definition of introversion, my personal theory is that as a 100% introvert, it means that I get 100% of my energy from within myself, rather than with others. While it is just about impossible to find and take the MBTI test free, what you can find is a similar, shortened version called the Jung Personality Test, and I have taken it many times. While I don't always score 100% for introversion (I have more than that one time), I have never seen my score lower than 80%. I remember feeling so excited to learn what introversion means, and that it was natural for me to want to be alone. Then, showing the results to someone and having them say; "So, what are you going to do about it?" I was devastated. What am I going to do about it? You mean I have to do something about it? You mean it's not normal for me to be like this? You mean I still have to change this part of me? In time, I learned that my excitement was more right than my reaction to the person. Introverts often grow up being told (and still hear it in their adult life) that they need to change the way they are, because people don't see it as normal. But, I'm here to tell you that it is normal! And it is okay! And I don't need to get out more. And I don't need to make more friends. And I don't need to change. I am perfectly happy, normal, and comfortable with who I am- someone who needs just a few (yes, this can mean only one or two) reliable friends. People I feel close to and can depend on. Someone who needs time and space alone to process my thoughts, my feelings, my life, my everyday experiences.

As someone who is so high on the introversion scale, I need TONS of "alone time". Yeah, this living-away-from-any-babysitter-I-might-feel-comfortable-with thing? Not the greatest on that aspect. Time away from my daughter can be scarce, and I've had to learn to make it happen. Even though my daughter quit napping (waaay too young, if you want my opinion), she still takes an hour "quiet time" every day. I put her in her room with toys and books and some water, and she doesn't come out (except to use the bathroom) until the timer beeps at the end of the hour. Because I would go insane without it. And honestly, I think it's good for her, too. But, this time is really all about me, and I used to feel guilty about that, but I have learned that I am a better mom when I take this break, so I don't feel guilty anymore. I need this time away from her to re-group and re-energize for the rest of the day. And this means that as much as I'd like to, I cannot clean, or make phone calls, or look at finances during this time either, because that is all expending energy, when I need to be rebuilding it...at least, not for the whole hour, at least, maybe, only on a good day. I just need to focus on me. I need to relax and process my thoughts and feelings. Deep cleaning can, sometimes, be an exception. I must do this in my introverted mind frame, because I love to deep clean, and find it often energizes me. It's organizing, and I love feeling organized. My life feels less chaotic when I'm organized. A bit of a tangent, but packing to move has been one of the most energetic times of my life....days and days of staying in my house all alone (had to ship my daughter out to babysitters, couldn't exactly have a one-year-old emptying the boxes behind me), organizing my entire life one box at a time? Right up my alley....I hardly needed any sleep!

I have also created a system where I take at least one hour a week and either kick my husband and daughter out of the house, or leave to go somewhere quiet- somewhere where I don't need to interact with anyone, depending on my mood. I buy a coffee (okay, tea, but I call it coffee because it seems like coffee inspires the same feelings in others that I get from tea), or read a book, or craft, or sit a the park and close my eyes and feel the sun soak into my skin, or possibly even just sit under the covers and enjoy the warm darkness and think.

Ever since my "baby" sister was born (I was 11, I think?) I have known that I love working with kids. I won't get into all the reasons why right now, but I grew up *knowing* that my dream job was to have a family of my own. And now, as a stay-at-home mom, it IS my dream job. I am one of those moms who could not ask for a better job in the whole world. Seriously. But, it brought some unique challenges I certainly didn't expect. Because every mom knows that one of the hardest things to do as a mom is to..guess what?...find alone time! Even though you're told this, you just don't recognize what it means until you are a mom. I had spent time babysitting, sometimes for days (weeks?) at a time, I had worked as a nanny, and at daycares, and felt I was very prepared for the taxation on my time that taking care of kids required. I knew it would be different, and while I still think I was as prepared as any one person could get, and a lot more prepared than many people are, I could never have begun to expect what it's truly like. Every single moment your child is awake, they are looking for mom. Need to pee? Guess who is banging on the door (if they're not already in the bathroom with you)! Taking a shower? Well, someone is surely whining/crying right on the other side of the shower curtain, because they need you right now! Sitting down with a glass of water? We all know who is right there at your elbow, because they're thirsty, too! And not only do your kids need you all the time, but in some strange way, you (at least I) feel like it is your JOB to be there that much, too! Your kids depend on you! Especially when they are young. Especially when they're breastfeeding. The first time Hubby Chad sent me out all alone after Cheerio was born, all he could talk me into was a 20 min trip to pick up some pizza for supper.....and I got in the car....and I cried (tears of joy, relief, and exhaustion), because it felt so GOOD to be all alone. I felt so amazingly free! I obviously needed the break by then (Hubby Chad is always better then I at recognizing when I need to take a break). I couldn't believe the sense of euphoria a drive for pizza could bring! I had to learn that my kid was okay without me-at least sometimes. I had to learn that I was a better mom taking a break. I had to learn that I needed 'me' time -and, at times, lots of it- to recharge my batteries. Sharing every moment of my day with another (gorgeous, beautiful, special, energetic, gorgeous, special, silly, crazy, wild, special, beautiful, naughty...have I said special?) human being is stressful for me. I am guessing that "everyone" feels these moments of "it's so great to be alone!" sometimes because it's also just as rare to find a 100% extrovert (someone who gathers ALL their energy from being out/with others) as it is to find someone like me.

When I am going through an unusually stressful or busy time in my life....yeah, alone time is ALL I want. And I feel like I just need to post this image on my door, and put it into my answering machine, and just lock myself away for a year or so:

See the blanket-over-the-head-thing the girl in the picture is doing? Yes!! I love doing that! If my day gets too stressful, this is what I want to do, and if I don't get a break, it's often what I resort to in order to let out a few tears, re-gather some strength, and get on with my day. I love hoodie sweatshirts for this reason....feeling overwhelmed? Pull up the hood, close my eyes, and just feel cocooned in my own little world. Nothing exists except for me and the darkness inside that hood. A hood up provides a little bit of muffled sound to the noise around me, it blocks out things behind and beside me, it narrows my focus, and that's what I want. Or that blanket. The blanket is better. And when I do have to resort to these things (I try make sure I get other types of alone time so I don't have to), if people can't leave me alone during this time, they just might want to watch out, because I just might snap (this means burst into sobbing-can't-stop tears, or get incredibly angry over what seems like nothing--why am I so angry? Because you said hi, DUH!).

Sometimes I wonder how, being so introverted, I grew up as the middle child in a family of eleven children, sharing a room with my sister for much of my life (shared much of my day with her too), living in what sometimes seemed like a constant "dull roar", without absolutely going crazy....maybe it's all in what you're used to? The dull roar was quiet to me then so I was happy with it? And perhaps my relationship with my sister was similar to my one with my husband (more on that later)? I remember the first time coming back home after moving away-after experiencing total silence, complete solitude, moments where it was truly "just me" at home, and having my head just spinning. I was so quickly overwhelmed by all the people and noise I seriously could not even think straight any more. And that made me cranky, and irritable, and tearful, and very extremely tired and sleepy....I just wanted to get away...my parents house has gotten quieter, and I have gotten better at doing things like "going to bed early" or "running to the store"--all that car time is alone time!, and I typically only experience this now after a full day of family holiday/party.

While moving so far away from family and friends has made finding time alone from my daughter so very difficult, it has not been the worst thing either. I hate to admit it, but I have, in some ways, been happiest being far away. When I am nearby I feel pressured to go to every function. Every graduation party, every birthday, every family get-together, every holiday, every wedding (here is my dirty little secret; I don't even like weddings, cannot remember ever enjoying a wedding... maybe when I was a flower girl? But even with that my only memory of the day is a sense of bewilderment/exhaustion by the end of the night, and a sense of irritation at my also-flower-girl sister who kept shirking her flower-girl-duties-sitting behind the guest book), every just-because-its-Sunday. Everything I am invited to, I feel pressure to attend. And really, I do want to be there. Because I am excited for you, or want to support you, or just want you to know I care, or simply like spending time with you......but I have come to learn that I can't do that. It takes too much of my energy! And yet, I still feel like I have to come up with a good excuse for why I am not coming. I feel like no one understands if I just say that I don't have the energy for it, that I'm just not up to coming and chatting with whoever else might be there. Why, whats wrong? they might ask. Or, Gosh, what has kept you so busy lately? or, Are you sick? Nothings wrong, nothing unusually busy (at least, not to you) and totally not sick! Just introverted....just need time alone. Living so far away is a natural, built in, guilt free (most of the time), get-out-of-jail-free card. I cannot come, because I cannot come! I cant afford to, or don't have time to, drive the six or more hours it takes to get there! I go out and chat with the moms group I joined here when I feel up to it, and stay home, or find our own quiet corner when I don't. I call someone when I crave that deep one-on-one conversation, and no one wonders why I didn't invite so-and-so to chat with us, too. Conversely, I don't call when I don't want to talk! I am actually way more content being out here with no one than anyone could probably guess. It's just me, my husband, my daughter. My focus is incredibly narrowed to just a few important people in my life, and I don't feel like I have to overwhelm myself giving all my important people my energy. (don't get me wrong, I still miss you guys, and get lonely some days! Especially on Sundays, when it used to be a typical "social" day for me and I don't dare bug anyone because you're all usually busy with your own things. I love you guys, so don't take this personally, please!!)

One of my personal struggles as an introvert has been these invitations. Because I do love my family and friends. I enjoy my time with them (you all). And I LOVE making extravagant gestures, and being there for people. I desire to come, but often feel as if I can't. I want to be there for you, but wish it could be just the two of us. Its a balance I have yet to perfect, and being so far away, leaves the balancing act with only one option...sorry, I can't make it.

I feel like I fall under every point in the 'common characteristics of an introvert' back in part one. I like to think about things (sometimes too much), I tend to keep my emotions to myself (though I have learned to share them, especially with my husband), I am quiet and reserved when I first meet someone, hate large groups because I simply cannot THINK of anything to say and feel dumb just standing there, am terribly terrible with small talk and find it pointless and boring (I feel incredibly stupid because I simply do not think of the appropriate questions and often fall short in even responding with an "and how about you?" after answering your questions, and as I've mentioned, in our culture, small talk is looked at as polite, and friendly, and I certainly want to be both of those things!). I am incredibly content with my small group of friends, prefer to get together one-on-one, love deep conversations, have to really think before voicing my own opinions, and need lots of time to answer a question (especially an important one, and will quickly get overwhelmed if I am asked too many in a row, and if asked too many in a row I will often resort to not answering any at all), I feel like I communicate better in writing (hello, blog!), I zone out/get stressed/feel overwhelmed if my day/week becomes too busy/noisy/full of people or I overfill my social calendar.....

And I screen all my calls. Seriously. The doctor is calling with results from Cheerio's urine analysis? Let it go to voice mail, I can't deal with that right now. Someone left a message wanting to schedule my next dentist appointment? Leave it on the machine, I can't THINK right now, let alone talk to anyone, so I wouldn't be able to call her back! My friend is calling, and I have been trying to get hold of her all week? Gosh, she caught me at a bad time, and I might feel guilty about it, but let it go through.....I will call her back when I have energy to talk...

Needing so much time alone was especially difficult during my teen years. Most of you know me, and will be familiar with the term "haps", but just in case you don't know "haps" is my churches version of a youth gathering. In certain areas it can occur almost nightly, and is a get-together of just about every single youth over the age of 15/16 (?) within the congregation (and we have a lot of youth). This is where friendships are formed. This is where you go to play sports. This is where you go for 'christian fellowship'. This is the place to be. I think, given what I have shared with you so far, that you can figure out why this might not have been a good place for me. It was chaotic and overwhelming, and nobody came to talk to me, so I felt alone and un-liked. There were too many people, and too much noise, for me to even begin to feel comfortable, so I preferred not to go. But, as I said, that's where everything happened, and where everyone was, and it was unheard of, discouraged even, to 'do your own thing' if haps was going on. What was an introvert to do? Not only that, but in my senior year I started an after school job at a daycare. So, I woke up, went to school, worked in a crazy-busy noisy environment where I was expected to be interacting with someone every moment I was there.....and then people thought I might want to go out and interact some more? Hmm.... I also attended church every Sunday and bible class Wednesday nights....plus there was homework, and study groups, and ON TOP OF ALL THAT I was totally struggling with my "health issues" (aka energy levels-I would fall asleep on the bench at church while everyone else was socializing) at this time.

There are things I think introverts must learn or are expected to learn in order to get through life in our culture. For example, another thing I have particularly struggled with is needing time to answer questions. My husband has learned (mostly) to sit back, say nothing, and wait for me to respond, even if it takes ten minutes. I have learned that it's not very fair to keep someone waiting on an answer for ten minutes, and do my best to get my thinking done quickly. This is something I feel I have had to learn in order to function in our culture. But, I still struggle if I am already overwhelmed, or if someone asks too many important questions in a row, and will resort to simply not answering, and probably come across as uncaring or rude....and so I have had to either accept that people see me as uncaring/rude or learn how to cope with answering these questions in a timely manner, despite feeling overwhelmed. I also feel that most introverts work hard to learn how to 'small talk'. I have tried, so far unsuccessfully, because as I mentioned, I want people to see me as a friendly, caring individual, because I think of myself that way, and I wish I could small talk so that people would know me as such! We also need to learn to share our emotions, with at least one other person, because I believe you actually cannot be mentally/emotionally healthy without doing so. Sure, you can process them on your own first, recognize them, become comfortable with them, but you've gotta let them out, too! This, I think, is the one thing that has been the hardest to learn, but that I have come the farthest in...

So...what you're probably wondering, seeing how difficult it is for me to share my time with my daughter, is how does Hubby Chad fit in? How do I deal with his invasion of my life, seeing how we're married and all. I'm guessing each introvert finds their own ways to deal with a marriage and the invasion of this 'alone' space we crave so much, but this is what has been MOST interesting to me. Because somehow, he has seriously become an extension of myself....and although I do occasionally crave time away from him too, and have learned to ask for it, often he is easily a comfortable part of my alone time. It helps that he is an introvert, too, so we can sit there side by side immersed in our own little worlds, not talking, not interacting, just being happy with the other persons presence in the room. But, I have let him into my private emotional world, I have let him into my solitude, and often when I crave that alone time, I envision him there with me. This "ideal-quiet-time-with-him-beside-me" started even before we were married. I would happily get him on the phone, just for neither one of us to talk at all. Just to know he was there, if I felt like talking. It is like he is a part of my body and soul, and alone time just wouldn't be the same without him. Of course, he works during the day, so I have all that time away from him, too, and I think growing up sharing a room, a life, an-almost-full day with my sister helped me better cope with sharing that private, personal space once we were married. 

I know this is already a super long post....they all have been...and I hope I haven't bored anyone...so I'll just finish with.......ANY QUESTIONS??? 

That's me, making the desperate leap to be away from everyone else ;)

Part One: What is It?

Part Two: Identifying the Myths

Introversion Part Two: Identifying the Myths

Now that we have looked at what introversion is, I wanted to address things I have heard, or found in my research, that are common misconceptions of introverts. (Sorry if I repeat myself with things I wrote in part one) These are things that are NOT TRUE! 

1. "Introversion" and "Shy" are interchangeable. Not all introverts are shy, and not all shy people are introverts. We've looked at the definition of introversion once, but just to review, introversion is: inward turning, focusing more on internal thoughts, feelings and moods rather than seeking out external stimulation. Shy is: feeling nervous and uncomfortable about meeting and talking to people; showing that you are nervous about meeting and talking to people; tending to avoid something because of nervousness, fear, etc. So, as you can see, shyness is avoiding talking to people or meeting people because of fear or nervousness, whereas introversion has nothing to do with fear at all, but focuses on our personal internal focus. I think that they so easily get confused because 1. Both shy people and introverted people will turn down the chance to meet someone new, and 2. shy people like to refer to themselves as simply introverted, even if they know better. In today's culture there's tons of pressure to not be afraid to be different, be brave, just be yourself, be unique. It is a HUGE no-no to be worried about what others think of you, to be afraid of how people are going to react to what you say, and that is exactly what shyness is! So, who really wants to admit to that? I had a hard enough time admitting to myself that I was afraid of what other people thought of me, or uncomfortable talking to someone new, much less getting to the point where I could admit it to others. I would get quite upset when people told me I was shy, because I was NOT shy! I could not face the fear I had of other people, because I knew, deep down, that it was not cool to feel that way. Because I did not want to feel that way. It took a lot of maturing, and confidence building, to get to the point where I could admit that I WAS, and still occasionally AM, shy as well as introverted.

2. Introverts don't have, or don't share, their own opinions. While introverts do like to take time to collect all available information and take everything in before forming an opinion, they do have opinions! They also are not afraid to share their opinions. Introverts can be very outspoken, defensive, and/or determined, especially when engaged in a topic that is important to them, or when with close friends and family.

3. Introverts don't make good public speakers. In reality, an introvert can be quite comfortable getting up in front of a crowd and voicing their opinions or knowledge on a subject. (The fear of public speaking is more along the lines of shyness than introversion, people!) It's the possibility of mingling with that crowd after the speech that the introvert may not relish because it takes a lot of energy for the introvert and they may find it meaningless.

4. Introverts are (more) creative (than extroverts). Since our creativity is something we tap into when we are in an introverted space, introverts may have a tendency to display this creativity more often, but given the right mood, or the right amount of time, an extrovert can just as easily outshine an introvert in this area.

5. Introverts are stuck-up, or feel they are too good for you. I believe this misconception comes from a few separate facts common to introverts. 1. Introverts are very comfortable with a small group of friends, and often do not feel the need or desire to get to know more people. 2. Introverts, especially when in a large group setting, have the tendency to wait for their friends or desired activities to come to them, rather than extend the invitation themselves. And 3. Introverts dislike small-talk. They feel that small talk creates a barrier between themselves and the person they are talking to, and they don't like that barrier. Because introverts find small talk disingenuous, many of them have not even developed the thought process it takes to create small talk, so people see them as unfriendly.

6. You will always find an introvert alone, or with only one other person. While this is usually what introverts prefer, because of societal pressures and misconceptions, many introverts have become very good at creating a bubbly, butterfly personality for social interactions. They may actually even enjoy being the center of attention, but afterwards they go home and spend some time alone to recharge their batteries. Introverts are also much more outgoing around people they know well, so when they are in this type of setting they can easily be the most outgoing person in the room. Again, after this interaction, they will look for some downtime.

7. Introverts don't like people. I think this misconception stems from many of the same reasons as the idea that introverts are too good for you (point #4), along with the reason that introverts crave alone time, and will choose it over going out.

8. Introverts don't enjoy a party. Introverts can and will have a good time at a party, or in a crowded and chaotic atmosphere, but they are losing energy while there, and will need to find time alone to recharge after being out.

9. Introverts always want to stay home. As an introvert, all I can say is that there are definitely times where I want nothing more than to socialize! And I will get cabin fever I stay in too much!

10. Introverts are depressed. I think if we asked most people in today's society to describe what a depressed person would look like, they would provide an image of someone who spends hours alone in their room. Someone who shuts themselves away from interactions with others. Personally, I think this is a bit of a misconception as well, but that's a completely different topic. So, because introverts crave so much time alone, and, as mentioned, will do what it takes to get it, people mislabel them as depressed. It's possible that this also comes from the fact that extroverts (who gain energy from social interactions) might feel sad after they spend too much time away from other people, and so they have a difficult time understanding the introverts desire.

11. Introversion is a mental disorder. Introverts are often told they need to change. They need to become more outgoing. They need to talk more, participate more, get out more. Other people may even go so far as to suggest that there is something "wrong" with them. As recently as 2010, the American Psychiatric Association even considered classifying "introverted personality" as a disorder by listing it in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-5), a manual used to diagnose mental illness. As I have said, I am no expert, and if it were to be classified as a mental disorder, I would be in no position to argue. But, to me a disorder means there is something wrong, something that can be changed, and I don't see how being an introvert could be anything I could change about myself. While I could learn how to create small talk, and I could become a social butterfly, I could participate more, get out more, talk more...essentially I could, outwardly, become the person those others want me to be. But, the bottom line is that I would still create energy when I am alone, and deplete it when I am with other people. I would become exhausted and stressed to be this other person all the time, and I would not be a happy person. Because, really, who is happy if they have no energy and are stressed all the time?

What myths have I missed? Have I pushed your idea of what an introvert is? Are you introverted? If so, what have you heard about yourself (in regards to introversion) that is simply not true? Why do you identify yourself as introverted? If you're not introverted, what do you use to determine if someone else is? And what do you struggle to understand about introverted people?

Looking for more? Read also: http://uldissprogis.com/2013/05/04/wrong-stereotypes-of-introverts/

Part One: What is It? (references posted here)

Part Three: Applying it to my Life

Introversion Part One: What Is It?

Introversion is a topic that is very important to me; something I think I have spent quite a bit of time researching and working to understand. I once took the Myers-Briggs personality test at a psychiatrists office, and scored 100% for introversion (more on that in part three). So, I know I am introverted, but I sometimes dislike describing myself as introverted, because I feel like people have the wrong impression of introverts and what that actually means. It seems as if there are so many stereotypes and myths surrounding introversion and what the introverted person looks like. To many people, the introvert is the wall-flower. The hide-in-the-corner book nerd. The eccentric artist who spends all her time immersed in her latest creation. The stuck-up snob who is too good to talk to you. The kid who will never pass speech class. The loner... Just how many of these impressions are correct? Are any of them true? What is introversion, and what does it look like?

Before we get too far, I want to state that I really don't claim to be an expert on the topic: I have never had schooling in introversion, and don't intend to take it that far. This is simply a collection of my personal hours of research, and my own thoughts and feelings as an introvert myself. That being said, lets get started:

Introversion: inward turning, or focusing more on internal thoughts, feelings and moods rather than seeking out external stimulation or social contacts

VS.

Extroversion: the directing of one's interest outwards, especially towards social contacts

To me, the simplest way to describe it is to say that introversion means you gain energy when you are alone. You gather energy from quiet moments, from times within yourself, and you expend it when you are interacting with others, and/or in a highly stimulating environment. Extroversion, on the other hand, means that you gather energy from those around you, and/or from interaction with your environment. Essentially, that's it. There are common traits that introverts share, but not all traits apply to every introvert. Regardless, here are a few common traits I have gathered:

Introverts:
  -tend to keep emotions private (We like to process our emotions on our own time, rather than sharing them with others)
  -are thoughtful (We tend to think about things more than others do)
  -are interested in self-understanding (We like to know about ourselves and understand who we are)
  -enjoy solitude and downtime (A full day at home alone often sounds inviting, and neccesary to us)
  -are quiet/reserved in large groups/around unfamiliar people while more sociable with people they know well (We like to be comfortable with you before sharing too much of ourselves, we need to trust you first)
  -observe things closely and learn well through observation (maybe because we're not so busy talking?)
  -notice details before others (in our surroundings or in others)
  -like to focus on the big picture rather than get caught up in details (in abstract thinking)
  -have a small group of friends with profound relationships
  -prefer one-on-one interaction
  -love philosophical/thought-provoking/meaningful conversations (Easier to have in one-on-one communication)
  -find small talk difficult (We feel as though it creates a barrier between us and the other person and without that connection, we find it pointless and boring)
  -want full understanding of a matter before forming an opinion
  -like to think before they speak
  -are better at communicating in writing (When we have something important to say, we feel we are better at explaining ourselves when we write it to you instead of telling you face to face)
  -when at a party, like to wait for friends or activities to pick them rather than inviting themselves in (Sometimes this can lead to feelings of loneliness in a crowd, if nothing comes our way)
  -like to focus on one thing at a time
  -will screen ALL calls, even those from friends and family members (And not because we're angry or upset with you! We will call you back when we feel mentally prepared to talk)
  -get overwhelmed in excess stimulation (We will become tired/unresponsive after being out and about too long, will often zone out at this point)
  -become stressed by busy-ness or a lot of socialization ("Everything introverts do in the outside world causes them to expend energy, after which they'll need to go back and replenish their stores in a quiet environment," says Sophia Dembling, author of "The Introvert's Way: Living a Quiet Life in a Noisy World," 

Even knowing these traits, it can be difficult to determine if someone else is an introvert or an extrovert (it's become a sort of game to me to try determine which one a person is). Determining an introvert is sort of like looking at a spectrum of colors, where each one is just slightly less pink than the next, while both sides of the spectrum, on their own, could each be considered "pink". You can have a larger tendency towards introversion than the introvert standing next to you, and thus are likely to display more of the common traits. Or you can have a larger tendency one month than the next, especially if you are in a busy or overwhelming time in your life. You can have a 1% tendency towards introversion, almost gaining your energy equally from yourself as from others, or you can score really high, sometimes even hitting 100% introversion, like me. Many introverts, because of societal pressures, have become very good at acting like extroverts when they are out with others. They have learned to share their emotions, initiate conversations, engage in small talk, etc because our society tells us that this is the way we need to be. (They have just become good a creating their alone time later on). Even I was once under the impression that I could walk into a room and pick out which persons there were introverts and which ones were extroverts. It's a bit more difficult than that, however. "Spotting the introvert can be harder than finding Waldo," Sophia Dembling told the Huffington Post. I've experienced this myself. Even though I identify myself as an introvert, and I feel I have spent many hours researching what introversion is, I had Cheerio pegged as an extrovert for a long time. In fact, it wasn't until recently that I realized I had been wrong. Because my daughter loves to go and do, and she spends ALL. DAY. LONG. talking my ear off, she completely wears me out by the end of the day. So, naturally, I thought she was an extrovert...didn't she love to get out of the house? Didn't she have too much energy to sit and read a book, much less eat a full meal? Didn't she LOVE to talk? Didn't she simply exhaust my stores as an introvert? Check, check, check, check....extrovert! After all, she was exhausting me, and going, going, going, so she MUST be an extrovert, right? But then, I started to notice a few other things. Sure, she loved getting out and doing things....but it wasn't that she wanted to interact with people, or go to the noisy amusement parks. She wanted to go to the park, and spend the hour in the quietest corner, peeling the bark from the tree (it was a long time before she even had interest in slides and swings, where all the rest of the kids hung out). She wanted to go to the quiet library and spend the day playing with the stuffed dog there. If anyone else came to play, she would simply walk away. From day one, a large crowd overwhelmed her. As a little baby when I'd take her to the mall, or into some other noisy, chaotic environment...she would do one of two things, cry or sleep. Or cry herself to sleep. This clearly shows she was overwhelmed by all the people, all the noise and external stimulation. To this day, she gets easily overwhelmed when we first go somewhere with a large crowd, or lots of noise. Given time to observe her surroundings, and gather her energy, she will enjoy herself there. She just needs to know what she's getting into. Yes, she is a talker! To me. Or her dad. Slowly, to her grandma(s) and grandpa(s). She has to feel totally comfortable with you before she brings out this particular trait. This has introvert written all over it. Introverts prefer to talk to people they already know, people they trust. Yes, she still has too much energy to read a long book, or sit for a full meal, but the amount of energy does not indicate extroversion over introversion, rather the indicator is where she generates that energy. Is it when she is alone, or when she is with others? Clearly, she is one who enjoys her 'quiet' moments. But, she had me fooled for the first two and a half years of her life. And I should have known better. Do you think she can still grow up to 'become' an extrovert? Do you think life experiences can change us from one to the other? Or do you think we're born (and stuck) with what we've got? (I could just come out and tell you what I think, but that'd be boring.)

I think this could be titled, how to interact with introverts

So, essentially, the single most reliable way to determine if someone is an introvert is to look at where they are gathering their energy. Do they enjoy down time? Quiet moments? Time alone? And do they come away from them seemingly refreshed and renewed? At the end of a party-no matter if it is with good friends, strangers, or a mixture of both- do they tend to slip away for awhile? Or are they extra-energized and ready to move on to the next thing? Do they seem to generate energy from themselves? Or from interacting with their surroundings and the people in it? 

Are you an extrovert? Or an introvert? And what helps you determine that?

Part Two: Identifying the Myths

Part Three: Applying it to my Life

References:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/08/20/introverts-signs-am-i-introverted_n_3721431.html

http://psychology.about.com/od/trait-theories-personality/f/introversion.htm

http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary

http://www.thefreedictionary.com

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/29/introvert-myths_n_3569058.html

Strangely Content

Photo taken from here

I am actually not all that prepared for Christmas, and I just don't seem to care. Our Christmas decorations are up, we have logs for the fireplace, hot chocolate, and (another) gingerbread house kit....and that feels like enough for me this year. We have no meal planned- no special hams or turkey, no salads or fruits, no wild rice soups or rice puddings. I haven't even baked a single Christmas goody (yet?)....I feel like I went from planning Thanksgiving, to enjoying our Thanksgiving company, to recovering from Thanksgiving, to packing and prepping for our mini-vacation/important-and-exciting excursion to pick up a friend (it was, really, SO good to see you Angie!)...and now, I need time to recover from that.       So, I kind of don't have time or energy to start making and planning for all that....I thought I'd come home and hit panic mode (ya'll remember this feeling I talked about?), because what is Christmas without all that?? But, I am finding that I am strangely satisfied with the Christmas in my head. We won't starve. We each have at least one gift to open, we have beautiful Christmas lights....the promise of snow....a few treats for a stocking (but no place to really PUT said stockings, that we don't actually own).....Christmas music, a bible and the story of Jesus birth, access to online sermons, some old Christmas in Zion's to peruse..... and each other. After all, just like it says in How The Grinch Stole Christmas "Maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!" Hope you all find time to remember the "little bit more" in the midst of your traditional store-filled holidays! Wishing you all a very merry Christmas, and a new year full of the peace and joy the Christmas season has instilled in me!

Wonderful Traditions

I am working hard on another post, and it's really been consuming a lot of my time, and it's not ready yet, so tonight's might be kinda lame. But it's about bedtime. One thing I remember from my childhood that always gives me warm fuzzies, that complete sense of being totally loved, is sitting on the rocking chair with my mom (and, typically, two or three of my siblings, all squished in). Once we were older, she'd read to us, sometimes for hours, but if there was a baby in the house, it'd be singing. Perhaps that is why, when I'm having an especially tough time falling asleep, it helps me to turn on an audio book...maybe it brings back those memories, that comforting feeling of being wrapped in my mothers arms.

That is something I always thought I'd grow up and pass on to my children. And I've tried. Really, I have. Cheerio just doesn't have the patience. She wiggles and squirms and tells me to stop singing. Or folds the book shut. She has zero interest. We can read during the day...occasionally for a half hour at a time. I can sing to her and rock her after she's had a bump, or is feeling sad, but it is N-O-T, not something to do at bedtime. I haven't completely given up, I try now and again, to add it to our bedtime routine, but so far it's a no-go. I have these super high hopes that new baby will bring this tradition into my home, but I am realistic enough to know this addition to our family will probably make it even harder, not easier. So, Cheerio does not like to rock at bedtime, she does not like to be read to, and generally speaking, she doesn't like to be sung to....though she loves listening to music as she falls asleep. Just not any I make. What-she-wants....is for me to lay down with her. And I've tried. Really, I have. And I feel like I am hugely a disappointment to her in that I. CAN'T. DO IT. I think it might be different if she simply lay there quietly, and went to sleep. But, she doesn't. She tosses and turns, and talks to herself, and rubs my arms, and pokes at my face for at least a half hour...and I get irritable. But, even on good nights, where she just tosses and turns and doesn't even touch me and is asleep within 15 minutes, I hate laying there. I try take a deep breath and remind myself that she won't always be little, she won't always want me there, that this is a special memory I can create for her, that this may be a tradition she can pass down to her kids, but I just don't have it in me. I don't know why, but I cannot find the peace in it, I cannot find the joy in laying beside her. And I've tried. Really, I have. The knowledge of providing her that small comfort does nothing for me. I have tried setting a timer and laying with her for just 10 mins, then just seven, just five....but I still hate it, resent it, so much that I begin to transfer those feelings, slightly, to her. And she often cries when the timer goes off and I have to leave, which makes me feel worse. There was a short period of time where it worked. I checked out a million books on CD from the library, stocked up on rechargable AA batteries, and brought in my Walkman with headphones. And I quietly, happily laid beside her, immersed in some story as she tossed and turned herself to sleep. (though quietly wondering what would happen when baby arrived, and I probably wouldn't HAVE half an hour to spend in bed with her) But then it broke. And I haven't found it in me to spend the 30 bucks to replace it. Because 30 dollars is a lot of money for us to spend right now on something we don't need.  Maybe that's what I should give her for Christmas??? Hee. Hee. 

In the end, I'm wishing I could find that special bedtime tradition we both could enjoy. Any ideas?

Having a Special Glow

This kinda-sorta ties in with my last post...at least my last post made me think of this when a comment-er (my mom) noted that life is funny: it isn't always what it seems, and people in Ecuador probably remember me, too. One thing I have really wanted is to be someone people remember. I want to be someone people notice, someone people say ‘yeah, I've met her!’ I have a friend who has this peaceful and special way about her that reaches out to everyone. People who have met her remember how kind she is. They leave her feeling as if she is a new, dear friend that they could tell anything to. I want to be like that. I want people to remember that I had a role in this life, however small or briefly. In my small church community, when I reconnect with someone I've only met once before, they rarely remember meeting me (at least that's the way it seems to me). I have to introduce myself through my dad (who is a minister), my brother (who is very outgoing and chatty) or my sister (who travels a lot, also outgoing). I want people to know that I was WITH my sister, brother, dad when he/she came to visit them, even without an outgoing personality. I've seen it, I know it can be done, somehow... I want them to remember me for me, not my family. I want to be their friend. I want to make an impact, and I want to inspire. I want them to feel comfortable telling me their struggles, because I want to help them. I want to know people actually see me. For years I liked being invisible. I felt proud when I’d do dishes and overhear someone say something like ‘I've been in front of this dishwasher the whole time, and here someone has done all the dishes already! I wonder who it was?!” Suddenly, I don’t feel proud, I feel disgusted that they didn't even notice me right in front of them. Suddenly, I want them to KNOW it was me! I want to be noticed and recognized. How do I find that? How do I become that? I’m trying really hard to open the doors of honesty between family, friends, strangers and myself. To initiate conversation. To share a piece of myself and create an environment where they can share, too. I hope that, in time, people will remember meeting me. I hope I can create that ‘special glow’ within myself and be noticed, respected, and remembered.

It seems as though some people are just born with this 'gift', this 'special glow', like my daughter. Cheerio seems to draw attention everywhere we go, right from day one. At first I thought it was the whole new mom thing. The pride when you're adorable first born is commented on, that glow you get when a cashier notices you have a kid (as opposed to the horror you got when they thought someone else's kid was yours), the huge smile when a sweet old lady asks you how old she is......but, now, it seems to me, to go beyond the usual "cute kid" attention. Walking through the mall, at the grocery store, and in the middle of a room full of kids, people will single her out. It's not like she's out looking for attention either, if its not coming from mom, grandparents, daddy, she tends to fade back as soon as she realizes she is being watched or talked about (And don't you dare laugh at her if she's not trying to be funny!). What is it about her I wonder? What does she possess that grabs peoples attention? Is it her high-energy, obliviously-sing-and-jump-through-the-store-type personality? Is it her seemingly extreme mood changes? When she is happy, she is exuberantly so. When she is sad, even the slightest, nothing can stop the tears. When she is concerned, you see it in her whole body. When she is disappointed at all, you get the whole shoulder droop, sad faced look. When she is mad it is all-out screaming tantrum like you've perhaps never experienced in your life, she has a set of lungs I tell you! Or is it just her white-blonde hair and almost too-white (but surprisingly, not easily burnt) skin? Seriously, she was once mistaken for a ghost, with the soft, early-morning sun streaming behind her as she sat alone at the top of the stairs in our apartment complex. Perhaps the guy was over-tired, or had something else going on, but he was obviously scared, none-the-less. I guess it just makes me wonder if being noticed, this special energy certain people have to capture attention, is completely a natural gift, or if it's something I can also achieve, if I work at it? Either way, I am working on carrying myself with the confidence I know I have, being open and genuine. And I hope that it will help me 'be someone'. I'm not saying I want to grab the attention of everyone in the room. And I don't want to be famous, or talked about. I just don't want to be 'a part of the wall' anymore.

Changing World View (in a way)

As a teen, I often was told to travel-now, while I was young, energetic, curious. Even if you don’t just love it-go! they told me. You won’t have this opportunity later on, when you have bills, and babies! they said. THEY regret not having traveled more! they confessed. And so, at least once, I listened. I took the opportunity to travel to Ecuador with my dad. I was, at the time, a self prescribed homebody. I was very unsure of myself. Insecure. Some would say shy. It’s interesting, because they told me that, and so, my mind knew what an incredible opportunity it was. I was told that over and over again, what an incredible opportunity I had. How it was once-in-a-lifetime… and I knew it, because I was told it. I was pleased, but not excited. I was happy, but not thrilled. My mind knew, but my emotions didn't seem to. Oh, how I wish my heart had known! My memories of my time there are good, but, overall, not particularly as treasured as I would hope. I was too self-conscious to talk to people much. I wasn't curious enough to explore the culture and the unusual surroundings. It seems to me that others in my family who have gone have had a much better time. They have in some way kept in touch with people there. People remember them. They did things, saw things, bought things, that I somehow missed. And now, I am like my those "others". Wishing I had not just traveled with my body, but with my heart and soul. Leaving a bit of myself behind so that I could take some of the country back with me. A piece of heart left behind there in the hot steamy climate of Guayaquil, or in the cold mountains near Chimborazo, or in the teaming, chaotic city of Quito. Can I get passed this regret? Perhaps, someday, if I am given the opportunity to travel again, I can move on.
I am still a homebody, but not so much as I need to be at home to be happy, but that I need some down time, to self-reflect. Somewhere that feels comforting, but it does not particularly need to be familiar, just peaceful and beautiful. I am a homebody because I have found the beauty and joy in my home. The peaceful places, the chaotic ones, and can choose which I want. I can step back and close the door, be alone to contemplate the busy-ness of the day. But, I have developed this urge to travel. To see the world and all of its glories. Its beauty, both God-made and man-made. To visit Paris, and Australia, and the Caribbean. To see Alaska and Ireland and Finland and Japan. To leave small pieces of me in every country I visit, so that I can bring back the flavors of each one, too. I want to live an eclectic and beautiful life, something more than motherhood can bring. Why did this change? is it because I no longer have much of a choice? At least not for a while…. I am a mom, with an important job now. I would never trade my daughter for travel, not in a million years, but why does this urge come now? Why did I change? What caused it? Why was it not there when I had the opportunity to experience those things I now desire? I am left at home feeling jealous of each person I hear who travels, even just to the next state…why now?

And....panic???

Wait, I can't find the panic button, but that's reason to panic, too, right?? Help! Where is the panic button?? One thing I have been dealing with right now is that it feels like I am on the verge of hitting the panic button for even the simplest of decisions. I'm not sure if this is related to the pregnancy and hormones and all that bundle of fun, or if it's something completely different, but it's there. Seriously, some mornings having to get dressed and not knowing what to put on (say, if my few clothes that still fit are all dirty) feels like a perfectly good reason to push that button. I have heard of pregnant women getting anxieties, but I always thought they were for *perfectly reasonable* (if not commonly thought of) things like the bridge collapsing when you go over it. Mine are completely silly things, and logically, I KNOW that, but my feelings don't seem to know that. I mean, its not like I would die or anything if I didn't know the answer... Not sure what to eat for lunch? Stress, worry, think, think, stress, dig, figure, think......and if I haven't figured something out by then...PANIC! I'm like my toddler, I need to limit every question to no more than two options...what would you like to wear today, Jen, boots or shoes? Shoes? Okay, slip-on or tennies? Etc. Because of this, I've gotten very good at being INCREDIBLY detailed.....my calendar has: A morning activity, what we're having for lunch, an evening activity, and what I need to take out for lunch the next day, written on it for each day of the week, even though every Monday I have the same activities planned (unless there is an appointment or something that day) and every Tuesday and so on. Because I like to know what we're doing just by knowing what day it is (if I can remember what day it is, or what I had planned for that day, even though its been the same for months now), or by what we did in the morning, or perhaps because, right now, I just like routine. crave it, even. I even schedule in grocery shopping and laundry so I can avoid above mentioned stress/panic attacks. This is what I need to do to maintain my sanity. It also doesn't help that I have been incredibly forgetful. I need to write everything down. Running into the store to pick up a new pair of mittens to replace the ones my toddler lost and my husband asks me to grab him something to drink? Well, even though I say, 'sure, no problem' like I've always done, I just consider myself lucky I came out with the mittens, poor guy. If the tables were turned and he forgot my drink, it would probably be good reason to panic, too, because I was THIRSTY gol-darn-it! And so, I'd probably get upset and cry. Or almost cry. He just can't win.

So, my latest stress session has been...how often do I blog?? Everyday? Twice a week? Once a week? Biweekly? And I have wondered and pondered ever since starting my first blog post. Ugh. Really, who cares? Well, I care, actually. I want to blog often enough to keep people interested, because I know I want readers (preferably ones who comment) so I want to write often enough to keep up interest, but not so often I will become overwhelmed (remember previously mentioned energy levels. Or, rather, lack thereof). So...I have panicked myself right into the decision that I'm going to shoot for twice a week, because even though I am the kind of person who likes to establish habits (at least right now) once a day would simply be too much. It would cut into my sleep, I know, and being a partial insomniac right now (again, pretty sure I can thank pregnancy for this) I just can't allow that. And once a week would not be often enough, I'm guessing. I'd forget, or procrastinate, or decide it was okay to skip a week, which too easily becomes two weeks, which quickly becomes a month....I think you can see where I'm going with that. Whew. Now that we have THAT panic attack figured out...lets get started shall we?

Another GIANT leap...

I have been wanting to start a blog for a long time now...for so long, in fact, that this first post just may be quite lengthy! I'm not sure what originally started my longing to create a blog, perhaps it was my desire for an outlet. I am a stay at home mom to a very special and unique two-year-old bundle of energy in an area where I have zero family. When we first moved here, I also knew a total of zero other people, and I hold anxieties about leaving my dear adorable daughter with anyone, really, but especially with those I don't know intimately (as family or close, long-time friends) and trust explicitly. I'll write more about that in another post. So, essentially, I need an outlet because I spend all my time with my daughter, and don't take much of a break for myself. No babysitters, no daycares, no preschool, no date nights, just a few hours here and there when I leave her behind with my hubby, or she is sleeping /taking much needed time alone.

Anyways, the itch was there, and when my super-creative and talented-writer sister created a few blogs, here and here, as part of a school class, my desire only increased. I longed to write my own meaningful posts, to create my own meaningful discussions (hint, hint: I really would love audience participation here! Go ahead, challenge my thinking!), and its been moving farther and farther to the front of my mind, day by day, until here I am now!

So, considering I've had the itch for so long, some of you may wonder what has stopped me? Well, there are a wide variety of reasons, and I almost feel like each could be addressed in its own blog post, but that seems a little silly, so I'll try give you the readers digest condensed versions, and keep it to two or three biggest reasons I haven't started a blog. One reason has to do with what I refer to as 'health reasons'. Not that I am sick or dying or in desperate need of immediate medical care, but that I am not a high-energy person. Not. Even. Close. My energy levels lag and I feel as though I need to push myself harder, and sleep a lot longer than others in order to accomplish even the basic, everyday tasks required of me as a mom. I am currently pregnant with baby number two, due at the end of March, and the extra energy it takes to grow that perfect little miracle just about wiped me (That part of my energy is coming back!...Basically is back?). Can't we just order pizza for supper every night?? Considering the fact that my daughter, whom I will refer to as Cheerio, has been throwing up, gassy, and complaining of tummy aches, which I am more and more confident are all linked to dairy intake, that would be a definite no, not to mention the expense of such an undertaking! I have been addressing my energy levels for years, starting with what I refer to as a 'traditional doc' (you know, the one you see for all your yearly checkups and such, if you're good about that kind of thing) and moving on to a variety of natural approaches (a huge thank you to my mom for all the money, time, and energy she put into this during my teen years!), and it is amazing the distance I have come, but I still feel like I have a long way to go before I reach anything that might resemble what I think of as 'normal'. Because of this, I have (mostly just recently) been learning how to find what is priority for me, what I want/need to accomplish with the little energy I have, and until now, a blog just wasn't part of that priority. Spending time with, creating memories with and for, and helping keep my active Cheerio busy in a two-bedroom apartment in the middle of a big city? Very high priority. This generally involves leaving the house several times a day. Keeping a well-organized home? Yup, it gets a slot near the top. Keeping a CLEAN home? Not so much....sometimes we run out of dishes before I find the motivation to throw a few in the dishwasher. Sometimes I have to go crazy with stepping on the toys and things on the floor before I find the interest in putting them away and tidying them up.Cheerio does love to clean and keep things tidy, and I do find that this is rarely an issue-she sometimes picks up her toys without being asked! A HUGE blessing for me! Often we eat breakfast and lunch and supper, and if its been a neat-eating kind of week, sometimes even a couple days worth before we stop long enough to wipe the table down. Anyways, between my slowly increasing (and re-increasing as I move beyond the first trimester of pregnancy) energy levels, and my re-arranging priorities, creating a blog finally moved high enough on the list that, here I am.

Reason number two for being hesitant about starting a blog is that I am a bit of a perfectionist, mixed with the fact that I think better with a pencil in hand than I do sitting at a computer. It has been hard for me to simply sit down and type, and I hope this will just get better with time, because who has time to hand write it all down and then transfer it over to the computer? And as far as the perfectionist thing; I find that even when I type a short thing like a Facebook status or Twitter post (ha. rarely.) , nine times out of ten I have to read it and re-read it and edit and re-edit and add punctuation and switch a word or two around and delete a phrase until it sounds "perfect and flawless" in grammar and punctuation and flow, before its 'post-able' in my eyes. And even then, I become a bit obsessed with coming back and reading, and re-reading (and editing and re-editing) and watching for a response....and who has time for that? SO, please, excuse any misspellings, grammatical errors, funny sounding sentences, etc. because my ultimate challenge in having time to blog is to type, and post. NO re-reading, no editing, no changing of any sort. Not. even. once.

The third, ultimate, big, huge reason I haven't started a blog before this is fear. Yes, fear. (the reason this post is titled what it is) I am both introverted and shy (though far less shy than I used to be), and opening myself up to both myself (yes, I had to learn to open myself up to myself...does that sound crazy? I had to learn to acknowledge that I had my own thoughts and feelings, and discover what they were, honestly and completely. This is a process. And it will probably be its own post some day) and others has been an at-least-four-year-if-not-more project before I have gotten to this point, where I can, still-nervous-and-feeling-scared-but-doing-it,  finally, write my first blog post. (To be fair, I've had blogs in the past, but they generally consisted of keeping far-away family and friends up-to-date on my life with photos and few words, nothing like what I intend to do here.) To open my own thoughts, feelings, ideas, personality, whatever else might spew out in my writing to my family, friends (both close and acquaintance), and possibly even complete strangers? who might read this blog someday.... yikes! Still a learning process...and both introversion, and shyness, will probably be a blog post someday, too!

Lastly, I just want to mention, that the final reason I hadn't started a blog is because i hadn't felt like I had figured out where I wanted to GO with it. Did I want to challenge others thinking? Did I want to challenge my own thinking? Did I want to share my own, personal, everyday experiences? Did I want to be positive, happy, happy? Or....honest? Did I want to focus on photography? Kids? Crafts? Quotes? Health? Recipes? Being kind? Did I want to research? Or just spew possibly inaccurate knowledge? To be honest, I still don't know, and I'm guessing it will be a mixture of all of the above (just don't expect photos of my adorable kids, one rule I have in which I incredibly limit who has access to online photos of them), and I'm finally okay with that, with not having a theme and just going with the flow. Being positive one day, and honest the next, and crafty the day after that....really, why not?