Sharing Another's Joy

I have recently had a couple conversations lately where I have been telling someone about an aspect in my life and they responded with "I'm so happy for you!" and I wonder...why don't I use that phrase more often? It is such a simple thing that can mean so much. Often it's the big things we wish to share with our friends- A move, deciding on a major in college, a marriage, a new baby, a vacation. But sometimes it's the little things that make the most impact on the person sharing the news, because they say more about who we are: A far-away friend blessed with a sunny day, a cup of coffee, a new pair of shoes, a secret pleasure (like coloring in coloring books at 26 years old), even a pack of bubble gum! So, when someone comes to us to share news that they are excited about, why is it so hard for us to say "I'm so happy for you!"? I know sometimes it can be hard to feel excited. I mean, a new pack of gum? Yeah. Great. That's practically an every day occurrence around here....but perhaps this person doesn't purchase gum that often. Or maybe it's a new flavor. Or possibly they just really, really like gum. And the fact that they came to YOU to share their joy should have meaning to you. They chose YOU to be the person in their lives that they wanted to talk to! So open your heart and be excited! Stop a moment and SEE them, watch the twinkle in their eye, follow the bounce in their step, realize how much this means to them and join them in their joy. Their joy can become your joy if you just let it.

Photo taken from here.

While we tend to have a hard time getting excited about the little things, because-well, to us, they're little, it's the big things that have the biggest impact on us as the news receivers. Perhaps your best friend is moving to a new state-or even a new country! Maybe your co-worker is having her fifth child while you're still trying for your first. Or your brother purchased a new house while you're struggling to make rent on your dingy apartment.... remember, when you give a less-than-enthusiastic response, you just may be stealing their happiness, which does not help you in the least. Having a best friend who is no longer excitedly looking forward to moving does not keep them in the house across the street. Neither does stealing your brothers joy over his new house get you into one of your own faster...so why not just let them be happy?

Photo taken from here.

Often times when someone comes to us with great news, it is our reaction to feel jealous. We compare. We look at their sparkle and find that it exposes our shadows. And so, we desire to quickly turn out the light. How can we stop that natural instinct? How can we go from wishing their home was our home, to celebrating in the light they are giving off?

It may help to understand exactly what causes our jealousy. When our best friend decides to move to an exciting new country, we feel jealous of her. We may look at her and wonder, "what did she do to deserve that?" "How can she leave me here all alone?" "Why can she afford that when I cannot?" The problem is, these questions quickly and subtly turn into questions about ourselves-"what quality am I lacking that I am not provided these opportunities?" "Why doesn't anyone love me?" "Why am I not smart enough to land her job?" and these insecurities are very damaging to ourselves, while not harming your best friend in the least. Irish writer Elizabeth Bowen once wrote, "Jealousy is no more than feeling alone against smiling enemies." But our best friend didn't plan to move just to spite us. And we are not alone. It is really not HER we are jealous of, but the circumstances she finds herself in. "Envy, after all, comes from wanting something that isn't yours." -Jodi Picoult, Perfect Match. What we need to do is find the real source of our jealousy and let the person off the hook. Why do her circumstances make us jealous? Once we have pinned down why we are jealous, let this knowledge help us grow in our own lives. We have a choice. We can choose to grow bitter , or we can choose to make peace with our lives. We can remind ourselves of the good things we DO have. We can remind ourselves that we cannot stop feeling envious, but we can choose the way we deal with it. Do we take away another's joy? Or to we add to it? Do we build resentment towards another's circumstances? Or do we find a way to make peace with it's lack in our own lives (over and over if need be) and participate in the genuine joy radiating off the people around us? My new goal is to always choose joy, and to be sure I make the other person aware of that choice. What's your choice?

What other phrases have you heard, or use, that you think should become more commonplace?

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201109/what-drives-jealousy
http://www.forbes.com/sites/alicegwalton/2013/01/22/jealous
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/when-your-friends-happy-news-fills-you-with-envy-instead-of-joy/