Another GIANT leap...

I have been wanting to start a blog for a long time now...for so long, in fact, that this first post just may be quite lengthy! I'm not sure what originally started my longing to create a blog, perhaps it was my desire for an outlet. I am a stay at home mom to a very special and unique two-year-old bundle of energy in an area where I have zero family. When we first moved here, I also knew a total of zero other people, and I hold anxieties about leaving my dear adorable daughter with anyone, really, but especially with those I don't know intimately (as family or close, long-time friends) and trust explicitly. I'll write more about that in another post. So, essentially, I need an outlet because I spend all my time with my daughter, and don't take much of a break for myself. No babysitters, no daycares, no preschool, no date nights, just a few hours here and there when I leave her behind with my hubby, or she is sleeping /taking much needed time alone.

Anyways, the itch was there, and when my super-creative and talented-writer sister created a few blogs, here and here, as part of a school class, my desire only increased. I longed to write my own meaningful posts, to create my own meaningful discussions (hint, hint: I really would love audience participation here! Go ahead, challenge my thinking!), and its been moving farther and farther to the front of my mind, day by day, until here I am now!

So, considering I've had the itch for so long, some of you may wonder what has stopped me? Well, there are a wide variety of reasons, and I almost feel like each could be addressed in its own blog post, but that seems a little silly, so I'll try give you the readers digest condensed versions, and keep it to two or three biggest reasons I haven't started a blog. One reason has to do with what I refer to as 'health reasons'. Not that I am sick or dying or in desperate need of immediate medical care, but that I am not a high-energy person. Not. Even. Close. My energy levels lag and I feel as though I need to push myself harder, and sleep a lot longer than others in order to accomplish even the basic, everyday tasks required of me as a mom. I am currently pregnant with baby number two, due at the end of March, and the extra energy it takes to grow that perfect little miracle just about wiped me (That part of my energy is coming back!...Basically is back?). Can't we just order pizza for supper every night?? Considering the fact that my daughter, whom I will refer to as Cheerio, has been throwing up, gassy, and complaining of tummy aches, which I am more and more confident are all linked to dairy intake, that would be a definite no, not to mention the expense of such an undertaking! I have been addressing my energy levels for years, starting with what I refer to as a 'traditional doc' (you know, the one you see for all your yearly checkups and such, if you're good about that kind of thing) and moving on to a variety of natural approaches (a huge thank you to my mom for all the money, time, and energy she put into this during my teen years!), and it is amazing the distance I have come, but I still feel like I have a long way to go before I reach anything that might resemble what I think of as 'normal'. Because of this, I have (mostly just recently) been learning how to find what is priority for me, what I want/need to accomplish with the little energy I have, and until now, a blog just wasn't part of that priority. Spending time with, creating memories with and for, and helping keep my active Cheerio busy in a two-bedroom apartment in the middle of a big city? Very high priority. This generally involves leaving the house several times a day. Keeping a well-organized home? Yup, it gets a slot near the top. Keeping a CLEAN home? Not so much....sometimes we run out of dishes before I find the motivation to throw a few in the dishwasher. Sometimes I have to go crazy with stepping on the toys and things on the floor before I find the interest in putting them away and tidying them up.Cheerio does love to clean and keep things tidy, and I do find that this is rarely an issue-she sometimes picks up her toys without being asked! A HUGE blessing for me! Often we eat breakfast and lunch and supper, and if its been a neat-eating kind of week, sometimes even a couple days worth before we stop long enough to wipe the table down. Anyways, between my slowly increasing (and re-increasing as I move beyond the first trimester of pregnancy) energy levels, and my re-arranging priorities, creating a blog finally moved high enough on the list that, here I am.

Reason number two for being hesitant about starting a blog is that I am a bit of a perfectionist, mixed with the fact that I think better with a pencil in hand than I do sitting at a computer. It has been hard for me to simply sit down and type, and I hope this will just get better with time, because who has time to hand write it all down and then transfer it over to the computer? And as far as the perfectionist thing; I find that even when I type a short thing like a Facebook status or Twitter post (ha. rarely.) , nine times out of ten I have to read it and re-read it and edit and re-edit and add punctuation and switch a word or two around and delete a phrase until it sounds "perfect and flawless" in grammar and punctuation and flow, before its 'post-able' in my eyes. And even then, I become a bit obsessed with coming back and reading, and re-reading (and editing and re-editing) and watching for a response....and who has time for that? SO, please, excuse any misspellings, grammatical errors, funny sounding sentences, etc. because my ultimate challenge in having time to blog is to type, and post. NO re-reading, no editing, no changing of any sort. Not. even. once.

The third, ultimate, big, huge reason I haven't started a blog before this is fear. Yes, fear. (the reason this post is titled what it is) I am both introverted and shy (though far less shy than I used to be), and opening myself up to both myself (yes, I had to learn to open myself up to myself...does that sound crazy? I had to learn to acknowledge that I had my own thoughts and feelings, and discover what they were, honestly and completely. This is a process. And it will probably be its own post some day) and others has been an at-least-four-year-if-not-more project before I have gotten to this point, where I can, still-nervous-and-feeling-scared-but-doing-it,  finally, write my first blog post. (To be fair, I've had blogs in the past, but they generally consisted of keeping far-away family and friends up-to-date on my life with photos and few words, nothing like what I intend to do here.) To open my own thoughts, feelings, ideas, personality, whatever else might spew out in my writing to my family, friends (both close and acquaintance), and possibly even complete strangers? who might read this blog someday.... yikes! Still a learning process...and both introversion, and shyness, will probably be a blog post someday, too!

Lastly, I just want to mention, that the final reason I hadn't started a blog is because i hadn't felt like I had figured out where I wanted to GO with it. Did I want to challenge others thinking? Did I want to challenge my own thinking? Did I want to share my own, personal, everyday experiences? Did I want to be positive, happy, happy? Or....honest? Did I want to focus on photography? Kids? Crafts? Quotes? Health? Recipes? Being kind? Did I want to research? Or just spew possibly inaccurate knowledge? To be honest, I still don't know, and I'm guessing it will be a mixture of all of the above (just don't expect photos of my adorable kids, one rule I have in which I incredibly limit who has access to online photos of them), and I'm finally okay with that, with not having a theme and just going with the flow. Being positive one day, and honest the next, and crafty the day after that....really, why not?