Taking a Break

For the summer, or forever, only time will tell.

Imagine

Our imaginations are incredible and they come with us everywhere! If we would only use them just a little bit more, our lives could be so fulfilled. Not only are they a great resource for entertainment, they can also teach us a lot about ourselves. I always think it's so sad the things we seem to lose between childhood and adulthood. Life would be way easier if we could keep this knowledge with us. Many of my favorite childhood imaginings came from books, but really, the book was just inspiration for something I already knew about myself. One of my childhood daydreams was inspired from a particular book by Dr. Seuss:

The book is about a young boy who uses HIS imagination to create something exciting to have seen on his way home from school, and actually, I don't even like this particular story much. Never have. But I did like one small part in the illustrations. Let's take this page:

Now this illustration comes toward the end of the book, and there is a LOT going on in it. It is truly a bit of a wild and crazy scene. Can anyone see me as the kind of person who would look at this page, and find a place I would want to live? No? What if I told you I always zoomed in on this particular cheerful man:

Still no? What if I told you I paired that man and his humble home with this scene here:

Ah ha. Now you're following me, huh? I would spend hours fantasizing about living in that mans tiny little house, attached to a vehicle that plodded through the country side. I pictured hours and hours of sunshine and singing birds. Of ending each of my days with a new sunset in a new frame. Of snuggling on my bed in my clean, neat home, reading a book, lulled by the sound of the tires meandering along on a rainy day. I imagined a fireplace (he has a chimney after all). I imagined my time alone, And yet, with a new town to explore all the time, and new experiences to be had, I wouldn't get lonely. Besides, I would always be on my way home, no matter which direction I was headed, and on top of that, I would always be home. I would always have my favorite, comfortable items to turn to in times of need. And really, my dream hasn't changed a whole lot. I'm just, finally, getting back in touch with it. Remember my dream about the house boat? Doesn't that sound so similar to this childhood dream I had? And barring that, I really want to get to small house living. To humble beginnings, but with so much space outdoors to explore and discover new things each day. I am in love with my familiar, comfortable things. But I don't need much (or so I like to think). And yet, I love discoveries and new experiences. I am re-learning these things about myself, and at the same time, I am discovering a peace with myself that I never knew I had lost.

Have you rediscovered anything about yourself today? What's one of your favorite daydreams?

Delete

It was moments after I hit post on Wednesday that I wanted to quickly find the delete. To take it all back. To erase the words I had written and pretend they had never been there.

In posting what I did, I wasn't looking for your sympathy. Not even your support, necessarily. I just wanted every one to ignore the whole thing. And also, I, personally, really wanted to ignore the fact that I had been feeling this way. I wanted to paste on my smile and breeze through my days. I wanted you to think the sun was shining brightly here, that I could even be the source of the sunshine.

I didn't want to invite you into my heart when it was hurting.

I didn't want to admit anything was wrong. I didn't want suggestions, comments, or questions. I knew I couldn't post that and not expect anyone to react, but.... that is what I wanted. My words were raw and honest, and although I thought I had made great strides in truly sharing my feelings, I was afraid this time. I felt more afraid to say that "out loud" than I have felt about anything in a long time. I wanted be beyond all that, to not have those feelings shadowing my home anymore.

But they are.

But just so you know, its not my every day feeling right now. I don't think it's even my every other day feeling. However, when it comes it stays a few days, it hits hard, and it hurts more. Because every time it leaves for a stretch-say a week, or even two, I think its gone for good. I start to relax and enjoy every little moment and I am soo happy to be happy!

In the end, I left those words posted because they WERE honest. And I knew that. And even if they didn't last that whole day, I wanted to finally face them head on. I wanted to feel them, acknowledge them, and let them go. On top of that I wanted other people- those ones out there like me, those ones full of irrational emotions they just can't shake- to know that they are not alone. That these feelings, they come and go, and eventually, they will be gone for good, but that day is not today. And that's okay. Because....


We're working on it,

together.

Crumbling

I can feel the ground crumbling beneath my feet. The once solid places breaking off, slipping away out of site. I can feel my path becoming weaker and weaker, and it seems that there is nothing I can do about it. It's going to disappear completely soon. It is so illogical, this feeling of being less than the person I know I am. I reach out to steady myself. To find that center, that strong core that I know is in me. It was there just a month ago. A day ago. Even an hour ago, perhaps. I was feeling better, I know I was. I was confident and self-assured. I was happy. I want so desperately to be happy, Now. So, what changed? There is no tangible part of my life that is harder, lesser, unforgiving. No one has teased me or turned on me. I changed. But why? I want to know just as badly as you do. Probably more so. 

There is no answer. And that is the hardest thing to accept.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

How do you know?

I ended my last post on a really positive note telling you all how you shouldn't worry about if you're better than anyone. If only it were so easy. Somehow, the doubt creeps in regardless. It starts out as a little wriggling thought, and it slowly feeds on all my other thoughts until it is so big it bursts from my brain and fills my whole body. It's not worth it. Why do you bother? Does anyone really care? It grows and expands to include more and more questions. To include more and more of my life. It turns everything anyone says, and every thought I've ever had into self-doubt. It runs through my mind over and over like a hamster on a wheel. It spirals and swirls around and around until it is the only color filling my soul. And I try to stop it. I need to stop it.

 I clutch onto my husbands encouraging words. How do you know? I throw them back at each phrase. I pitch them as hard as I can. I whip them back with all my energy.

It's not worth it. How do you know? 
No one really cares. How do you know? 
You're not good enough for this. How do you know? Who made you the expert? 

And still they surround me. So I grasp out for more words. Ones from my sister this time. I feed them in tandem.

 Why do you bother? Stop trying to be good, just be. Besides, how do you know? 
What makes you think you have anything to give?What makes you think I don't? How do you know I haven't already? Besides, stop trying to be good, just be and the good will come.

And it works...until it doesn't. And I have to toe-hold onto more encouraging words. Many beautiful things go un-noticed. 

But yours isn't beautiful. How do you know?

Slowly, surely, I can win the battle. By feeding each questioning thought, each self-deprecating statement with a million encouragements, I can do it. But it takes outside help. I need help from you to find that encouragement. To discover the beauty, the talent, the worthiness inside of me. Thank you for being that help.

What do you do on days you're overwhelmed with self-doubt? Do you have any particular encouraging words that help you most?