10 ways to keep your nanny (without spending extra money)

In no particular order:

1. Find someone you trust, then trust her/him completely. Unless you are clear during the interview process that you will expect your nanny to stay home always, allow the nanny to bring your children places, to plan activities, and to care for them completely, just as you would with your spouse, parents, or best friend. Understanding that trust takes time to build, if you cannot trust your nanny completely after one year, it's probably time to find someone else.

2. Let her/him celebrate with  your children. Your nanny has grown to love your children and wants to be there to celebrate special occasions-birthdays, graduations, and other major accomplishments. Even if you cannot, or wish not to invite her/him into your own celebrations, make it clear that the nanny can plan a small second celebration during normal working hours-a gift, a cake, etc.

3. Schedule in regular time to discuss things with your nanny. Most "normal" jobs have monthly meetings, teachers schedule conferences with parents, and daycare's have both meetings AND conferences! Just as in these instances it is a good idea to schedule in time to discuss with your nanny how things are going. What you feel is missing in her/his performance, what the nanny is struggling to accomplish, any discipline concerns, what the children are learning (if applicable) and what things are going well for everyone concerned.

4. Don't ask her/him to work if you don't need them! This may have been a personal pet peeve of mine, but it was really frustrating to me to come to work on days when the parents planned to be home and spending time with the kids. When you are around your kids they want YOU-for everything! Realistically, the nanny isn't going to be much help and no matter how much he/she loves the work, watching you interact with your kids all day can be a bit boring. Your nanny would rather be at home that day-if you were going to pay her/him to come in for the day, it would be awfully nice for you to pass that on to her/him at home, too!

5. Be realistic. Even stay at home moms cannot get the dishes, laundry, vacuuming, dusting done everyday, so why would you expect it of your nanny? Pay close attention to what you accomplish on the days you're home with your kiddos, and don't expect much more from your nanny.

6. Don't be afraid to celebrate with him/her. People like to feel special. Most work places have set up cards for birthdays and anniversaries-your nanny is no different and likes to be remembered on these special days just as much as anyone.

7. Allow him/her to bring their children (when applicable) or be very clear during the interview process that you are not open to this (even if it seems as if there are no kids in his/her future-you never know how long they will work for you, or how quickly things might change!). Bringing kids is a HUGE benefit to any parent who is a nanny. Going hand in hand with this-be understanding about it. Your nannies children will probably demand more of her/his attention than your own simply because that is mom/dad-kids are always more comfortable with their own parents. Children have different temperaments, some seek out adults more often than others. Children of different ages demand varying amounts of attention. For example, babies take more hours worth of hands-on care than a five year old. Also, as long as no house rules are being broken, allow her/him to make their own parenting decisions. If your children are not being neglected, try to find a way to let it go.

8. Be clear on time. If you like to stay after work and chat with coworkers or grab a coffee, add those 10-20 minutes on to your time of arrival back home. If your work often changes and you never know if you can be home on time, make sure your nanny understands this before hire. If you go out of town on short notice, be sure your nanny understands this. If you are only on occasion expected to work late without notice be sure your nanny understands this, and don't be afraid to remind her/him occasionally. Whenever possible, notify your nanny of any changes ASAP.

9. If you notice that she/he has done something above and beyond your expectations, let her/him know! Praise goes a long way.

10. Okay, this one kind of breaks the rule about not spending extra money, but vacation time is always nice and paid is even better. If you get paid vacation at your job, your nanny would be ecstatic if you passed at least a portion of that on to her/him!

Are you a nanny? What keeps you working for your family? What do you wish they would change?

Depression is...

...funny. Not haha funny, but funny in the way in which the word is used to mean something that is so crazy you almost find it hard to believe. The way in which a coincidence is funny. Or irony is funny. A little sarcastic: a bit unbelieving that things could really be that way. You see--most people picture depression as a sadness. Something that forces you to crawl into bed and turn people away so you can cry in the dark all day long. Yes, depression can look like this, but that is just a hint of what depression can truly look like. Depression can be a myriad of emotions and feelings and thoughts and expressions. It is slightly different, yet entirely the same for each person. Mine is of sadness, and anger, and irritability, and thoughtfulness and yes, even of joy. I equate my struggles with postpartum depression as to that of a toddler. I can be utterly giddy with thankfulness and pleasure one moment, only for it to completely dissipate into irrational anger at some small thing where I turn to tantrums. It becomes an irritable anger so intense that it is pure uncaring hatred for anything in my way. Slamming doors and pounding fists. Stomping my feet across the floor, I fear at what I could use this anger for-what I could break, what I could hurt only to instantly regret and then, suddenly......the floor cracks underneath my stomping feet and disappears and some large, unseen beast comes up and swallows me whole as I tumble into that black space beneath the floor. He sucks out my insides and leaves me feeling a loss of which I never knew existed. A desire to sob uncontrollably, but the inability to find the source of my tears. A restless desperation to find them and set them free that lasts on into the night as stumble around in the darkness, looking. And occasionally, I find them-and what bliss it is to cry. Yet, how horrifying to discover the depths of my tears. The oceans of salt water existing inside me. This fear causes me to turn away from all-to wish to be alone in my personal drowning. How can anyone save me from this well that is inside myself? That circular life preserver cannot pull me to safety as I am not in the ocean, but the ocean is in me. Rather than unknowingly cling to someone in a desperate attempt to save myself, dragging them deep, I push them away. But, if they fight through my shoving hands, if they meet me in my ocean of tears and wrap me in a long, warm, strong hug-I cry harder, forcing that ocean out in raw, unwarranted sobs until I discover it is absorbed there in their t-shirt. The fact that a single t-shirt can hold entire oceans will never cease to amaze me. Nor will I ever stop being amazed that someone cares for me more than I, myself, possibly could in that moment. That they will fight for me. And, then, as if on a breeze...I am back to some other thought. Some other feeling. Some other moment. Some other day.


Depression is irritating. It is as if I am dragging my heart through the sand, each little particle embedding itself in a little deeper until I itch and ache. I do not want to feel this way, and yet I know no other way. I am frustrated with the pain, the anger, the hurt, and yet, I cannot figure out how to stop. How to change my path. My anger is deep, yet knowing it is there only makes me more angry. I snap-because I cannot rid myself of the feeling to snap, which makes me angry enough to put me over the edge. I become irritated at my heart. At my humanness. At myself. I cannot shake this irritation, this desire to not feel the way I do with no clue how to reign my feelings back in, to shut them down. I desire to feel normal, yet I cannot feel normal and it makes me crazy.

Depression is confusing. With so many thoughts and feelings flooding my brain, I feel as if I am losing control. I cannot concentrate on one thing. I forget what I am doing or where I am going. I forget what I wanted or where I can find it. I feel lost. I feel as if I am in a race where suddenly the start became the finish and no one clued me in. Everyone is running backwards and I continue gamely on as people swarm and surround me so that I cannot see my ultimate goal. I feel as though I am in a game of  which I originally understood, and then the rules completely changed and I am doing everything wrong, at the wrong times, with the wrong people. I can no longer make sense of reality. It is a logical knowing of the fact that, I have things good. That life is great and I am truly blessed. Still, it's the inability to get my feelings to match this logic all the time. To feel as if  my life is especially hard, or especially difficult, even while knowing it is not.

Depression is depressing. I berate myself every unwashed dish, every child's plea unfulfilled, every shower not taken. I agonize over every unorganized closet, every cobwebbed corner, every meal not made. I find all my flaws- any extra weight, perceived or real, any act of rudeness... meanness... thoughtlessness. And then I berate myself for berating myself and I cannot stop. I spiral into my self doubt, deeper and deeper.

Depression is exhausting. All those thoughts and feelings within the space of a few moments is tiring. The depths of those feelings tiring. But, more than that, I know I need to fight these feelings. I need to give myself leeway. I need to know that this is life-life is unwashed dishes, uncooked meals, unorganized closets. I need to remember that I am caring; a mother who loves completely her children, even if I do not respond to every moment with the attention it deserves. I need to remember that my husband feels loved, even though I do not wake up and make him breakfast each morning. I need to have patience with myself. I need to be vigilant for the negative thoughts and fight them. Vigilance is tiring. Fighting is tiring. No matter how many times I see the goodness in my life-the sunny smile of my baby, the beauty of a blue sky, a golden leaf, a long swim, a gentle walk, the abundance of my home, my family, my friends-I still need to force it upon myself again and again. I need to fight with my eyes and my brain to see and remember these things. I need to be conscious and vigilant at noticing each joy and fight through the greyness that can so quickly descend. Vigilance is tiring work. Fighting is tiring work. I need to force myself to move- I feel so confused, and sad, and angry, and annoyed that it can become so easy to just sit. To stare at the clouds out the window. To not eat. To not sleep. To not think. I have to be vigilant against these feelings. I have to fight through the confusion and take things step by step. I have to fight through the sadness and find the happy moment again. I have to fight through the anger and find my good cheer. Vigilance is tiring. Fighting is tiring. I need to reach out to people. I need to be vigilant against the monster who whispers that it is better to just let them go. I need to fight him, too tell him I do care about them, as they care about me. Vigilance is tiring. Fighting is tiring. Getting out the door is tiring. Thinking is tiring. Sleeping is tiring. Depression is all these things, but most of all, fighting depression is a battle I cannot do alone. I need love, support, and kindness even as I snap at you and push you away. It is so much easier to just give in, to not feel, to not think....to sink.


*for a description of depression that will have you in tears, visit Understanding Me, and this post here.

Poems are great!

Only With Love

A warm ray slips through and
r  e  a  c  h  e  s . . .
A cool drop taps on and
s
 l
  i
   d
    e
     s
And the nutrient dirt
PROVIDES.
The young flower slowly becomes beautiful.
I am as a flower; slow to show
my full beauty yet
without care I will
die.
~Jenae, 2006

© Jenae Karvonen

Love is beauty

My sweet little Cheerio and I were doing nothing special one day and I was busy watching the way she helped her sister find toys, and the way her whole body gets animated when she is excited-almost like a little puppy, and the way her long fingers grace each one of her toys, and the way her nose wrinkles, and the way her hair never stays combed, and I told her "Cheerio, you're beautiful!" Because she is. Everything about her is beautiful to me, and her reply gave me pause. "I love you, too." she said. 'Wow," I thought, "how true is that? Love is seeing the beauty!' When I love a certain day, it's because it was beautiful to me. When I love an outfit it's because I feel beautiful in it. When I love a painting or a song it is because it is in some way beautiful to me. And when I love a person, I find them to be beautiful. So, what if we looked for the beauty? Wouldn't we find the love there, too? <3 <3

© Jenae Karvonen

Children are the best philosophers I've ever met, yet they say everything so matter-of-factly, like it's something everyone already knows. What philosophical lesson you have received from a child?