Taking a Break

For the summer, or forever, only time will tell.

Imagine

Our imaginations are incredible and they come with us everywhere! If we would only use them just a little bit more, our lives could be so fulfilled. Not only are they a great resource for entertainment, they can also teach us a lot about ourselves. I always think it's so sad the things we seem to lose between childhood and adulthood. Life would be way easier if we could keep this knowledge with us. Many of my favorite childhood imaginings came from books, but really, the book was just inspiration for something I already knew about myself. One of my childhood daydreams was inspired from a particular book by Dr. Seuss:

The book is about a young boy who uses HIS imagination to create something exciting to have seen on his way home from school, and actually, I don't even like this particular story much. Never have. But I did like one small part in the illustrations. Let's take this page:

Now this illustration comes toward the end of the book, and there is a LOT going on in it. It is truly a bit of a wild and crazy scene. Can anyone see me as the kind of person who would look at this page, and find a place I would want to live? No? What if I told you I always zoomed in on this particular cheerful man:

Still no? What if I told you I paired that man and his humble home with this scene here:

Ah ha. Now you're following me, huh? I would spend hours fantasizing about living in that mans tiny little house, attached to a vehicle that plodded through the country side. I pictured hours and hours of sunshine and singing birds. Of ending each of my days with a new sunset in a new frame. Of snuggling on my bed in my clean, neat home, reading a book, lulled by the sound of the tires meandering along on a rainy day. I imagined a fireplace (he has a chimney after all). I imagined my time alone, And yet, with a new town to explore all the time, and new experiences to be had, I wouldn't get lonely. Besides, I would always be on my way home, no matter which direction I was headed, and on top of that, I would always be home. I would always have my favorite, comfortable items to turn to in times of need. And really, my dream hasn't changed a whole lot. I'm just, finally, getting back in touch with it. Remember my dream about the house boat? Doesn't that sound so similar to this childhood dream I had? And barring that, I really want to get to small house living. To humble beginnings, but with so much space outdoors to explore and discover new things each day. I am in love with my familiar, comfortable things. But I don't need much (or so I like to think). And yet, I love discoveries and new experiences. I am re-learning these things about myself, and at the same time, I am discovering a peace with myself that I never knew I had lost.

Have you rediscovered anything about yourself today? What's one of your favorite daydreams?

Delete

It was moments after I hit post on Wednesday that I wanted to quickly find the delete. To take it all back. To erase the words I had written and pretend they had never been there.

In posting what I did, I wasn't looking for your sympathy. Not even your support, necessarily. I just wanted every one to ignore the whole thing. And also, I, personally, really wanted to ignore the fact that I had been feeling this way. I wanted to paste on my smile and breeze through my days. I wanted you to think the sun was shining brightly here, that I could even be the source of the sunshine.

I didn't want to invite you into my heart when it was hurting.

I didn't want to admit anything was wrong. I didn't want suggestions, comments, or questions. I knew I couldn't post that and not expect anyone to react, but.... that is what I wanted. My words were raw and honest, and although I thought I had made great strides in truly sharing my feelings, I was afraid this time. I felt more afraid to say that "out loud" than I have felt about anything in a long time. I wanted be beyond all that, to not have those feelings shadowing my home anymore.

But they are.

But just so you know, its not my every day feeling right now. I don't think it's even my every other day feeling. However, when it comes it stays a few days, it hits hard, and it hurts more. Because every time it leaves for a stretch-say a week, or even two, I think its gone for good. I start to relax and enjoy every little moment and I am soo happy to be happy!

In the end, I left those words posted because they WERE honest. And I knew that. And even if they didn't last that whole day, I wanted to finally face them head on. I wanted to feel them, acknowledge them, and let them go. On top of that I wanted other people- those ones out there like me, those ones full of irrational emotions they just can't shake- to know that they are not alone. That these feelings, they come and go, and eventually, they will be gone for good, but that day is not today. And that's okay. Because....


We're working on it,

together.

Crumbling

I can feel the ground crumbling beneath my feet. The once solid places breaking off, slipping away out of site. I can feel my path becoming weaker and weaker, and it seems that there is nothing I can do about it. It's going to disappear completely soon. It is so illogical, this feeling of being less than the person I know I am. I reach out to steady myself. To find that center, that strong core that I know is in me. It was there just a month ago. A day ago. Even an hour ago, perhaps. I was feeling better, I know I was. I was confident and self-assured. I was happy. I want so desperately to be happy, Now. So, what changed? There is no tangible part of my life that is harder, lesser, unforgiving. No one has teased me or turned on me. I changed. But why? I want to know just as badly as you do. Probably more so. 

There is no answer. And that is the hardest thing to accept.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

How do you know?

I ended my last post on a really positive note telling you all how you shouldn't worry about if you're better than anyone. If only it were so easy. Somehow, the doubt creeps in regardless. It starts out as a little wriggling thought, and it slowly feeds on all my other thoughts until it is so big it bursts from my brain and fills my whole body. It's not worth it. Why do you bother? Does anyone really care? It grows and expands to include more and more questions. To include more and more of my life. It turns everything anyone says, and every thought I've ever had into self-doubt. It runs through my mind over and over like a hamster on a wheel. It spirals and swirls around and around until it is the only color filling my soul. And I try to stop it. I need to stop it.

 I clutch onto my husbands encouraging words. How do you know? I throw them back at each phrase. I pitch them as hard as I can. I whip them back with all my energy.

It's not worth it. How do you know? 
No one really cares. How do you know? 
You're not good enough for this. How do you know? Who made you the expert? 

And still they surround me. So I grasp out for more words. Ones from my sister this time. I feed them in tandem.

 Why do you bother? Stop trying to be good, just be. Besides, how do you know? 
What makes you think you have anything to give?What makes you think I don't? How do you know I haven't already? Besides, stop trying to be good, just be and the good will come.

And it works...until it doesn't. And I have to toe-hold onto more encouraging words. Many beautiful things go un-noticed. 

But yours isn't beautiful. How do you know?

Slowly, surely, I can win the battle. By feeding each questioning thought, each self-deprecating statement with a million encouragements, I can do it. But it takes outside help. I need help from you to find that encouragement. To discover the beauty, the talent, the worthiness inside of me. Thank you for being that help.

What do you do on days you're overwhelmed with self-doubt? Do you have any particular encouraging words that help you most?

Join In

Let me be honest with ya'll. My Facebook feed is full of beautiful words that I did not write. Every day I am bombarded with link after link of gorgeously written, meaningful posts. People write about marriages and friendships. About hatred, love, and loss. About humor and loveliness. And its not all posts, sometimes people capture their thoughts not only beautifully, but also concisely (something I've never been good at) to give us a one-sentence or so heart-capturing moment. And lately, I've felt lost. I lost track of the fact that I started writing for me and I've wondered why I even bother to blog. It seemed that every topic I got excited about would show up on my news feed within a few hours. It was already covered in such a heartfelt way that I could never compete. I even got so down about it I whined to my husband that I just wanted to inspire people, but that I had nothing inspiring to give. And his response: 

How do you know?

How important those words are. How do you know you're not inspiring someone? Just because they don't come to you and say, 'You know what? You are my inspiration!' doesn't mean they're not thinking it. And I wanted so badly to just dismiss his words (he's supposed to say things like that, right?), but I found that I couldn't. As much as I tried to blow it off, another part of me was screaming "Yes! That is so true!!" And as I did my best to continue to feel sorry for myself, for my pitiful words and my sporadic bloggings, I remembered this quote:

Image taken from here.

These words stuck with me from the moment I first read them because they are so true! It was like an opening was created in my heart just for those words, and finally reading them, they could be written where they belonged. It takes us all- the good, the bad, the ugly -to support one another. If only the very best bloggers took time to write their words, the internet would surely be a dead place. It would be unoriginal. We would all be left thinking the same things and feeling the same things. It would be silent and uninspiring. It is the diversity, the creativity, the millions of thoughts written and shared that wind up inspiring us all. So, may you take what talents you have, no matter if you are better then the guy to your right, or worse than the guy to your left, and allow yourself to put your heart into it. Let us support and inspire one another with the beauty of our own hearts.

Where do you find your inspiration? And, what do you do with it? 

#NoRegrets

Hey all, you can check out my #noregrets post over on Sofia's blog, Stars Unseen, where I am very pleased to be featured today. The honor is seriously all mine, and if you haven't checked out her #noregrets series yet, it's a must read! And while you're there, check out the rest of her blog, too. Awesome writer. Awesome topics. You won't regret it (haha, get it?) I promise! Seriously, though. Go check it out!

In The Most Unloving Of Ways

This quote has been going around teaching circles, parenting circles, Pinterest boards, and probably a variety of other 'circles'. And it is a great reminder to us all. But you know what? I think today we should take out the word "kids" and replace it with "humans". The humans who need the most love will ask for it in the most unloving of ways. Because, really, we silly humans, it's what we do. When we really need love, support, and encouragement, we bury ourselves in solitude. And while sometimes people really do just need that alone time, usually they can ask for it politely. They apologize, they explain, they ask. But, the best friend who just hollered at you to stay out of her life? She needs you. The sibling who rudely told you it's none of your business? He needs you. The classmate who  just cut you down? They need you. That person who just about killed you by telling you to get lost because they can live without you just fine? Yup, they are hurting you because they need you! Crazy, isn't it? The one who runs away, puts up walls, works hardest to avoid you-- They need you most! 

They need someone who will say, you know what? I'm not letting you run away from me. No matter how far, or how fast, or how long you run- I can keep up. And I'll be here. And you may not be ready to talk yet, but when you are, yep, you can turn to me. Until then, we can run in silence. I'm going where you're going, quietly. Not judging you, not begging you, not insisting that you open up to me, but just waiting to catch you when you trip. That wall you built? I'm gonna climb it. And maybe I can't quite reach the top. But at least then, when you feel lonely and look over the edge, you can spot me silently picking my way towards you and know you are loved. It's easy to allow their lashes to hurt us, to allow them to push us away because of it. But, when you know they are just shouting to be loved, we can set that hurt aside. We can be a bigger person than that. In our society we tend to think it's best to just watch someone run away. That when someone pushes us away we should give them space. That they will come around. That they will find us when they need us. But you know what? We're wrong. When they look around and see no one there they will feel alone and abandoned and unloved. So let's change this. Let's show them they are loved. Will you help me?

Have you used these tactics to push people away? And did it work?

Recovering From A Bad Night

We are often told that the phrase "I'm sorry" doesn't fix anything, but that one little phrase is actually quite powerful. While it may have originated as a reminder not to hurt one another, or perhaps it just meant that it's the feelings behind the words that count, it has been skewed almost to the point where we believe an apology can't and won't help in creating the change we want.

We had one of those nights in our home last week-you know the kind. The baby (Jumper) was crying and wouldn't go to sleep, there was music playing the the background and in the background of that the dishwasher was running and the air conditioner was on, and in the foreground Cheerio was asking way too many why questions for my brain to keep up, there were Lego's strewn on the floor and in the process of trying to avoid them I kept smashing cold cereal and crackers into the carpet. No one had eaten a real supper, and we were likely all hungry, but I couldn't figure out a reasonable meal between the crying and the asking and the mess. I had had too many late nights combined with too many early mornings- I was tired. My brain was shutting down and was annoyed that it had to keep coming up with 'because' responses until it finally just refused, and when it did, that's when it happened. I yelled. I hollered. I blew up. I lost it. I screamed at the top of my lungs something like "Just BECAUSE that's the way it IS! And DARN IT would you JUST GO TO SLEEP ALREADY!!!!" And I probably stomped my foot and I may have thrown things to the floor which sent Cheerio scampering off to hide in her bedroom like she does, and set the baby to crying louder and harder. And then I felt like a terrible person, I mean, who hollers at such sweet little kids? Certainly not the first time I've done it. In the past I have made a point to come back after I've calmed down and tell my children that I should not have gotten angry like that. That I was tired and hungry, that they caught me at a bad time, that I had a headache, whatever, but that it was not right for me to take it out on them. I say sorry. I tell them I love them. We snuggle and kiss and try to restore some small part of trust that was lost in our exchange. And I did it that night, but I forgot one small part that was glaringly obvious to my daughter. I came into my four year old's room and wrapped her in my arms and explained to her all that had gone wrong, what I had done wrong, how much I loved her and what a great, loving, inquisitive little girl she was. And then I tried to send her on her way. But, she instantly burst into tears. That was unusual, so back into my lap she came. "Oh, honey, whats wrong? Why are you still crying?" I asked. "It's okay!" I reassured her. "You don't need to cry."

"B-b-but, but, b-but....You didn't say I'm Sorry yet!" She sobbed.

And so I did. And so she dried her eyes, and accepted another hug, and picked up her dinosaur's and went off to play. So you see, my friends, "I'm sorry" really can fix everything. At least when you're four.


What do you do in your house to reconnect with your children after a bad night? Do you think saying "I'm Sorry" helps at all? 

A Last Poem From An Old Collection

The Night Sky

A wish for love....

A wish for peace...

A wish for family...

A wish for dreams...

A wish for just one hug...

A wish for a single butterfly kiss...

A wish for a soaring swing ride...

A wish for a day on the beach...

A wish for a frozen castle fortress...

A wish for melting ice cream....

A wish for a wiggling puppies bark...

A wish for flip flops in the rain...

each star captures a wish,

suspended.

But don't concentrate on the stars-

look at all the space between them,

wishes that have already come true.

2006

image taken from here

Great Beauty

...is found everywhere. Even in they dying. The dying of the day brings us a beautiful sunset while the dying of the night is a sunrise. The dying of winter brings us tender, new buds and the dying of summer brings freshly gowned trees in glorious colors. And my thoughts linger on the melting of the snow, the glory of a life gone by.

© Jenae Karvonen March 2015

 For you see, the past few weeks these dying flowers keep capturing my attention. As I bustle through the making of meals, the absolute minimum of cleaning and scrubbing I can squeeze in to get by, the washing of tummy drenched bedding.... and more bedding... and more bedding(!) I can't help but smile as I pass by my seemingly unloved bouquet. It was hurriedly clipped and dropped into a jar of water, pushed back onto the windowsill to clear space for sippy cups full of pedialyte and ice cream pails for those lucky moments when we're quick enough....but my browning flowers are completely loved. For they were lovingly chosen by a little girl who knew that 'mommy likes white and clean. It's her favorite' and intentionally purchased by a husband who just likes to see me smile. May my dying flowers bring you a smile today, too. I can always do with a new smile or two, what has made you smile this week?

© Jenae Karvonen March 2015

You Are Amazing!

When sitting down to write today I took a quick peek at my drafts for some inspiration and I noticed a theme: Almost all my post ideas are things we as moms, as Americans, as regular human beings, could work on. Things to pay attention to. Something to do more often or less often. Something to concentrate on to make the world a better place. But all those can wait. Because today, today I am here to tell you-yes, you- you wonderful human being-you thoughtful person out living and loving-you who are struggling through the hard days and breathing in the good ones-you who are out there doing the best that you know how- it may not seem like much, but

you are doing a great job!

©Jenae Karvonen 2006

7 Ways to Use Facebook for Good

1. Facebook is a hot bed of all kinds of news-vacations, new babies, new houses, new hobbies, old hobbies, good days, bad days, funerals, sicknesses. Take a moment to celebrate with or cheer up a friend by using their news to connect with them. Make them a card or call them on the phone. What better way to brighten someones day?! Even if you don't know them well, or haven't talked to them in years, they are your Facebook friend, after all, right??

2. Use all the news mentioned in the previous point to interact with and focus on others. Don't just use it to spread your own news, but pay attention to what others are saying. Comment on their posts-celebrate, sympathize, encourage!

3. Use what you find as an opportunity to better your relationship with God. Take the opportunity to pray for others, and to be thankful for what you have!

4. Focus on positivity. If you don't have anything good to say, don't say it. Keep your comments upbeat. It might be good to pause a moment before hitting the post button and ask yourself: 'would I like to receive this comment?'

5. Send a heartfelt message to your mom. Saying thanks isn't just for Mothers Day you know!

6. Donate to a good cause, or better yet, advocate for one! This can even be as simple as organizing a group of friends to visit someone who is going through a tough time.

7. Pare down your news feed so you can focus on those things that are really important to you! Not only will you come away feeling more fulfilled, but you'll also have more time to spend on other things that matter, too! For example: your husband, your kids, your parents, the book on your nightstand, a new hobby...

Longingful: A Poem

Ah, the sweet bliss of summer.
Time for sun-rise jog on the beach
savor cool drink on the porch swing with mom
fight haze with body-shock splash from buckets with brothers
soak in the heat, develop sun-streaks and dark tones with sisters
splash in still pools, laugh under cascades, drip-dry on towels with friends
lap drippy cones, suck melty ice, swap sun-filled looks with boyfriend
and then:
  he's gone and
         hot tears burn my cheeks
      as the rest of me froze.

Oh, the bright colors of fall.
Time for "grandma's specials" sweaters
crunch through woods, admire, exclaim with dad
go dizzy down hill, burst into leaves with brothers
taste-test coffees, tryout scarves with sisters
giggle through malls, pull out sharpened pencils with friends
and then:
  they test the world and
          hot tears burn my cheeks
     as the rest of me froze.

And, the blind dazzle of winter.
Time for bubble-filled soaks
spice aroma, flour fill, taste bud thrill cookies with mom
triumphant splat, dive back white, scoop, pat with brothers
bundle up starry-eye, star-fill, clear night glides with sisters
and then:
  they become families and
         hot tears burn my cheeks
     as the rest of me froze.

So, the hope of spring.
Time for the melting that forgets to come
insect inspection, nature perplexion with dad
puddle splash, umbrella lash, mud bash with brothers
and then:
  they continue to grow and
          hot tears burn my cheeks
      as the rest of me froze.

The loss of seasons.
The end of a time...
and then:
  a search for new as
         hot tears burn my cheeks
     and the rest of me is frozen,

December, 2007

On Being "Just" A Mom

© Jenae Karvonen 2015

When participating in small talk or meeting someone new, a question that is often asked is "what do you do for work?" and I respond that I 'just stay at home' or that I'm 'just a mom'. A number of times I've been told to NEVER describe myself as 'just'-like I am degrading myself or my position. Like including that one little 'just' should make me ashamed of who I am or what I do. And when I am rebuked like that, for a moment-just a moment- I DO feel ashamed. But you see, usually I am PROUD of that 'just'. To me, the chance to be 'just' a mom- not a nanny/mom, not a teacher/mom, not a nurse/mom, not an accountant/mom, not a translator/mom, not an any-kind-of-working/mom is a privilege. It means my husband finally makes enough money to allow me the luxury of staying home with my kids all day, every day. It has been a dream of mine for YEARS and I love saying that I am just a mom. And when someone tells me that they work full time or part time as a mom, I either see the joy in their eyes and know it's perfect for them (so I can feel happy for them), or I hope that, someday, they have the chance to be as lucky as I am. Just as someone who has worked hard at both at school and at work to make something of themselves, I have worked hard at home. I know you work hard, and you know I work hard. I know you love your kids, and you know I love mine. You have pride in your position at work and I have a sense of pride in my position as "just" a stay at home mom. In that description, I feel that it lets everyone know that in my house my kids clothes are washed by me, my kids house is cleaned by me, my kids boogers and tears are wiped by me, my kids worst fights are resolved by me, my kids happy moments are cheered on by me, my kids playmate is sometimes me, my kids life revolves around me. I feel like I get to be a little of everything- accountant, nurse, nanny, teacher, translator. For the good and the bad, I GET to be there in my child's life, and I love it. So please, when I tell you I am 'just' a mom, don't think I look down upon myself, or that I am less of a person because I don't work like you, this is my CHOICE and I am PROUD of it.

Do you feel proud of where you are in life? Are you a working mom or 'just' a mom? Have you ever been made to feel guilty about staying home?