Introversion Part Three: Applying It To My Life

Gosh, I feel like there are a million ways being an introvert has affected my life...... hopefully I don't jump around TOO much, so that you can still follow what I am saying!! As I mentioned in part one, I once took the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) personality test as part of my sessions with a psychiatrist. I scored a 100% preference for introversion that day, and he told me that in all his years in his practice, he had never before seen anyone score 100%. Taking into consideration that introversion is only found in one out of four people; it's a fact that introverted people are a minority. Basically, I think it is safe to say that I am in the minority of a minority (but I could be wrong). I am WAY up there on the introversion scale, which I feel can make things extra difficult for me. I'm still not entirely positive what the percentages mean (well...actually, it means I have 100%-oralittleless-tendency towards introversion versus extroversion) so, given the definition of introversion, my personal theory is that as a 100% introvert, it means that I get 100% of my energy from within myself, rather than with others. While it is just about impossible to find and take the MBTI test free, what you can find is a similar, shortened version called the Jung Personality Test, and I have taken it many times. While I don't always score 100% for introversion (I have more than that one time), I have never seen my score lower than 80%. I remember feeling so excited to learn what introversion means, and that it was natural for me to want to be alone. Then, showing the results to someone and having them say; "So, what are you going to do about it?" I was devastated. What am I going to do about it? You mean I have to do something about it? You mean it's not normal for me to be like this? You mean I still have to change this part of me? In time, I learned that my excitement was more right than my reaction to the person. Introverts often grow up being told (and still hear it in their adult life) that they need to change the way they are, because people don't see it as normal. But, I'm here to tell you that it is normal! And it is okay! And I don't need to get out more. And I don't need to make more friends. And I don't need to change. I am perfectly happy, normal, and comfortable with who I am- someone who needs just a few (yes, this can mean only one or two) reliable friends. People I feel close to and can depend on. Someone who needs time and space alone to process my thoughts, my feelings, my life, my everyday experiences.

As someone who is so high on the introversion scale, I need TONS of "alone time". Yeah, this living-away-from-any-babysitter-I-might-feel-comfortable-with thing? Not the greatest on that aspect. Time away from my daughter can be scarce, and I've had to learn to make it happen. Even though my daughter quit napping (waaay too young, if you want my opinion), she still takes an hour "quiet time" every day. I put her in her room with toys and books and some water, and she doesn't come out (except to use the bathroom) until the timer beeps at the end of the hour. Because I would go insane without it. And honestly, I think it's good for her, too. But, this time is really all about me, and I used to feel guilty about that, but I have learned that I am a better mom when I take this break, so I don't feel guilty anymore. I need this time away from her to re-group and re-energize for the rest of the day. And this means that as much as I'd like to, I cannot clean, or make phone calls, or look at finances during this time either, because that is all expending energy, when I need to be rebuilding it...at least, not for the whole hour, at least, maybe, only on a good day. I just need to focus on me. I need to relax and process my thoughts and feelings. Deep cleaning can, sometimes, be an exception. I must do this in my introverted mind frame, because I love to deep clean, and find it often energizes me. It's organizing, and I love feeling organized. My life feels less chaotic when I'm organized. A bit of a tangent, but packing to move has been one of the most energetic times of my life....days and days of staying in my house all alone (had to ship my daughter out to babysitters, couldn't exactly have a one-year-old emptying the boxes behind me), organizing my entire life one box at a time? Right up my alley....I hardly needed any sleep!

I have also created a system where I take at least one hour a week and either kick my husband and daughter out of the house, or leave to go somewhere quiet- somewhere where I don't need to interact with anyone, depending on my mood. I buy a coffee (okay, tea, but I call it coffee because it seems like coffee inspires the same feelings in others that I get from tea), or read a book, or craft, or sit a the park and close my eyes and feel the sun soak into my skin, or possibly even just sit under the covers and enjoy the warm darkness and think.

Ever since my "baby" sister was born (I was 11, I think?) I have known that I love working with kids. I won't get into all the reasons why right now, but I grew up *knowing* that my dream job was to have a family of my own. And now, as a stay-at-home mom, it IS my dream job. I am one of those moms who could not ask for a better job in the whole world. Seriously. But, it brought some unique challenges I certainly didn't expect. Because every mom knows that one of the hardest things to do as a mom is to..guess what?...find alone time! Even though you're told this, you just don't recognize what it means until you are a mom. I had spent time babysitting, sometimes for days (weeks?) at a time, I had worked as a nanny, and at daycares, and felt I was very prepared for the taxation on my time that taking care of kids required. I knew it would be different, and while I still think I was as prepared as any one person could get, and a lot more prepared than many people are, I could never have begun to expect what it's truly like. Every single moment your child is awake, they are looking for mom. Need to pee? Guess who is banging on the door (if they're not already in the bathroom with you)! Taking a shower? Well, someone is surely whining/crying right on the other side of the shower curtain, because they need you right now! Sitting down with a glass of water? We all know who is right there at your elbow, because they're thirsty, too! And not only do your kids need you all the time, but in some strange way, you (at least I) feel like it is your JOB to be there that much, too! Your kids depend on you! Especially when they are young. Especially when they're breastfeeding. The first time Hubby Chad sent me out all alone after Cheerio was born, all he could talk me into was a 20 min trip to pick up some pizza for supper.....and I got in the car....and I cried (tears of joy, relief, and exhaustion), because it felt so GOOD to be all alone. I felt so amazingly free! I obviously needed the break by then (Hubby Chad is always better then I at recognizing when I need to take a break). I couldn't believe the sense of euphoria a drive for pizza could bring! I had to learn that my kid was okay without me-at least sometimes. I had to learn that I was a better mom taking a break. I had to learn that I needed 'me' time -and, at times, lots of it- to recharge my batteries. Sharing every moment of my day with another (gorgeous, beautiful, special, energetic, gorgeous, special, silly, crazy, wild, special, beautiful, naughty...have I said special?) human being is stressful for me. I am guessing that "everyone" feels these moments of "it's so great to be alone!" sometimes because it's also just as rare to find a 100% extrovert (someone who gathers ALL their energy from being out/with others) as it is to find someone like me.

When I am going through an unusually stressful or busy time in my life....yeah, alone time is ALL I want. And I feel like I just need to post this image on my door, and put it into my answering machine, and just lock myself away for a year or so:

See the blanket-over-the-head-thing the girl in the picture is doing? Yes!! I love doing that! If my day gets too stressful, this is what I want to do, and if I don't get a break, it's often what I resort to in order to let out a few tears, re-gather some strength, and get on with my day. I love hoodie sweatshirts for this reason....feeling overwhelmed? Pull up the hood, close my eyes, and just feel cocooned in my own little world. Nothing exists except for me and the darkness inside that hood. A hood up provides a little bit of muffled sound to the noise around me, it blocks out things behind and beside me, it narrows my focus, and that's what I want. Or that blanket. The blanket is better. And when I do have to resort to these things (I try make sure I get other types of alone time so I don't have to), if people can't leave me alone during this time, they just might want to watch out, because I just might snap (this means burst into sobbing-can't-stop tears, or get incredibly angry over what seems like nothing--why am I so angry? Because you said hi, DUH!).

Sometimes I wonder how, being so introverted, I grew up as the middle child in a family of eleven children, sharing a room with my sister for much of my life (shared much of my day with her too), living in what sometimes seemed like a constant "dull roar", without absolutely going crazy....maybe it's all in what you're used to? The dull roar was quiet to me then so I was happy with it? And perhaps my relationship with my sister was similar to my one with my husband (more on that later)? I remember the first time coming back home after moving away-after experiencing total silence, complete solitude, moments where it was truly "just me" at home, and having my head just spinning. I was so quickly overwhelmed by all the people and noise I seriously could not even think straight any more. And that made me cranky, and irritable, and tearful, and very extremely tired and sleepy....I just wanted to get away...my parents house has gotten quieter, and I have gotten better at doing things like "going to bed early" or "running to the store"--all that car time is alone time!, and I typically only experience this now after a full day of family holiday/party.

While moving so far away from family and friends has made finding time alone from my daughter so very difficult, it has not been the worst thing either. I hate to admit it, but I have, in some ways, been happiest being far away. When I am nearby I feel pressured to go to every function. Every graduation party, every birthday, every family get-together, every holiday, every wedding (here is my dirty little secret; I don't even like weddings, cannot remember ever enjoying a wedding... maybe when I was a flower girl? But even with that my only memory of the day is a sense of bewilderment/exhaustion by the end of the night, and a sense of irritation at my also-flower-girl sister who kept shirking her flower-girl-duties-sitting behind the guest book), every just-because-its-Sunday. Everything I am invited to, I feel pressure to attend. And really, I do want to be there. Because I am excited for you, or want to support you, or just want you to know I care, or simply like spending time with you......but I have come to learn that I can't do that. It takes too much of my energy! And yet, I still feel like I have to come up with a good excuse for why I am not coming. I feel like no one understands if I just say that I don't have the energy for it, that I'm just not up to coming and chatting with whoever else might be there. Why, whats wrong? they might ask. Or, Gosh, what has kept you so busy lately? or, Are you sick? Nothings wrong, nothing unusually busy (at least, not to you) and totally not sick! Just introverted....just need time alone. Living so far away is a natural, built in, guilt free (most of the time), get-out-of-jail-free card. I cannot come, because I cannot come! I cant afford to, or don't have time to, drive the six or more hours it takes to get there! I go out and chat with the moms group I joined here when I feel up to it, and stay home, or find our own quiet corner when I don't. I call someone when I crave that deep one-on-one conversation, and no one wonders why I didn't invite so-and-so to chat with us, too. Conversely, I don't call when I don't want to talk! I am actually way more content being out here with no one than anyone could probably guess. It's just me, my husband, my daughter. My focus is incredibly narrowed to just a few important people in my life, and I don't feel like I have to overwhelm myself giving all my important people my energy. (don't get me wrong, I still miss you guys, and get lonely some days! Especially on Sundays, when it used to be a typical "social" day for me and I don't dare bug anyone because you're all usually busy with your own things. I love you guys, so don't take this personally, please!!)

One of my personal struggles as an introvert has been these invitations. Because I do love my family and friends. I enjoy my time with them (you all). And I LOVE making extravagant gestures, and being there for people. I desire to come, but often feel as if I can't. I want to be there for you, but wish it could be just the two of us. Its a balance I have yet to perfect, and being so far away, leaves the balancing act with only one option...sorry, I can't make it.

I feel like I fall under every point in the 'common characteristics of an introvert' back in part one. I like to think about things (sometimes too much), I tend to keep my emotions to myself (though I have learned to share them, especially with my husband), I am quiet and reserved when I first meet someone, hate large groups because I simply cannot THINK of anything to say and feel dumb just standing there, am terribly terrible with small talk and find it pointless and boring (I feel incredibly stupid because I simply do not think of the appropriate questions and often fall short in even responding with an "and how about you?" after answering your questions, and as I've mentioned, in our culture, small talk is looked at as polite, and friendly, and I certainly want to be both of those things!). I am incredibly content with my small group of friends, prefer to get together one-on-one, love deep conversations, have to really think before voicing my own opinions, and need lots of time to answer a question (especially an important one, and will quickly get overwhelmed if I am asked too many in a row, and if asked too many in a row I will often resort to not answering any at all), I feel like I communicate better in writing (hello, blog!), I zone out/get stressed/feel overwhelmed if my day/week becomes too busy/noisy/full of people or I overfill my social calendar.....

And I screen all my calls. Seriously. The doctor is calling with results from Cheerio's urine analysis? Let it go to voice mail, I can't deal with that right now. Someone left a message wanting to schedule my next dentist appointment? Leave it on the machine, I can't THINK right now, let alone talk to anyone, so I wouldn't be able to call her back! My friend is calling, and I have been trying to get hold of her all week? Gosh, she caught me at a bad time, and I might feel guilty about it, but let it go through.....I will call her back when I have energy to talk...

Needing so much time alone was especially difficult during my teen years. Most of you know me, and will be familiar with the term "haps", but just in case you don't know "haps" is my churches version of a youth gathering. In certain areas it can occur almost nightly, and is a get-together of just about every single youth over the age of 15/16 (?) within the congregation (and we have a lot of youth). This is where friendships are formed. This is where you go to play sports. This is where you go for 'christian fellowship'. This is the place to be. I think, given what I have shared with you so far, that you can figure out why this might not have been a good place for me. It was chaotic and overwhelming, and nobody came to talk to me, so I felt alone and un-liked. There were too many people, and too much noise, for me to even begin to feel comfortable, so I preferred not to go. But, as I said, that's where everything happened, and where everyone was, and it was unheard of, discouraged even, to 'do your own thing' if haps was going on. What was an introvert to do? Not only that, but in my senior year I started an after school job at a daycare. So, I woke up, went to school, worked in a crazy-busy noisy environment where I was expected to be interacting with someone every moment I was there.....and then people thought I might want to go out and interact some more? Hmm.... I also attended church every Sunday and bible class Wednesday nights....plus there was homework, and study groups, and ON TOP OF ALL THAT I was totally struggling with my "health issues" (aka energy levels-I would fall asleep on the bench at church while everyone else was socializing) at this time.

There are things I think introverts must learn or are expected to learn in order to get through life in our culture. For example, another thing I have particularly struggled with is needing time to answer questions. My husband has learned (mostly) to sit back, say nothing, and wait for me to respond, even if it takes ten minutes. I have learned that it's not very fair to keep someone waiting on an answer for ten minutes, and do my best to get my thinking done quickly. This is something I feel I have had to learn in order to function in our culture. But, I still struggle if I am already overwhelmed, or if someone asks too many important questions in a row, and will resort to simply not answering, and probably come across as uncaring or rude....and so I have had to either accept that people see me as uncaring/rude or learn how to cope with answering these questions in a timely manner, despite feeling overwhelmed. I also feel that most introverts work hard to learn how to 'small talk'. I have tried, so far unsuccessfully, because as I mentioned, I want people to see me as a friendly, caring individual, because I think of myself that way, and I wish I could small talk so that people would know me as such! We also need to learn to share our emotions, with at least one other person, because I believe you actually cannot be mentally/emotionally healthy without doing so. Sure, you can process them on your own first, recognize them, become comfortable with them, but you've gotta let them out, too! This, I think, is the one thing that has been the hardest to learn, but that I have come the farthest in...

So...what you're probably wondering, seeing how difficult it is for me to share my time with my daughter, is how does Hubby Chad fit in? How do I deal with his invasion of my life, seeing how we're married and all. I'm guessing each introvert finds their own ways to deal with a marriage and the invasion of this 'alone' space we crave so much, but this is what has been MOST interesting to me. Because somehow, he has seriously become an extension of myself....and although I do occasionally crave time away from him too, and have learned to ask for it, often he is easily a comfortable part of my alone time. It helps that he is an introvert, too, so we can sit there side by side immersed in our own little worlds, not talking, not interacting, just being happy with the other persons presence in the room. But, I have let him into my private emotional world, I have let him into my solitude, and often when I crave that alone time, I envision him there with me. This "ideal-quiet-time-with-him-beside-me" started even before we were married. I would happily get him on the phone, just for neither one of us to talk at all. Just to know he was there, if I felt like talking. It is like he is a part of my body and soul, and alone time just wouldn't be the same without him. Of course, he works during the day, so I have all that time away from him, too, and I think growing up sharing a room, a life, an-almost-full day with my sister helped me better cope with sharing that private, personal space once we were married. 

I know this is already a super long post....they all have been...and I hope I haven't bored anyone...so I'll just finish with.......ANY QUESTIONS??? 

That's me, making the desperate leap to be away from everyone else ;)

Part One: What is It?

Part Two: Identifying the Myths