Wonderful Traditions

I am working hard on another post, and it's really been consuming a lot of my time, and it's not ready yet, so tonight's might be kinda lame. But it's about bedtime. One thing I remember from my childhood that always gives me warm fuzzies, that complete sense of being totally loved, is sitting on the rocking chair with my mom (and, typically, two or three of my siblings, all squished in). Once we were older, she'd read to us, sometimes for hours, but if there was a baby in the house, it'd be singing. Perhaps that is why, when I'm having an especially tough time falling asleep, it helps me to turn on an audio book...maybe it brings back those memories, that comforting feeling of being wrapped in my mothers arms.

That is something I always thought I'd grow up and pass on to my children. And I've tried. Really, I have. Cheerio just doesn't have the patience. She wiggles and squirms and tells me to stop singing. Or folds the book shut. She has zero interest. We can read during the day...occasionally for a half hour at a time. I can sing to her and rock her after she's had a bump, or is feeling sad, but it is N-O-T, not something to do at bedtime. I haven't completely given up, I try now and again, to add it to our bedtime routine, but so far it's a no-go. I have these super high hopes that new baby will bring this tradition into my home, but I am realistic enough to know this addition to our family will probably make it even harder, not easier. So, Cheerio does not like to rock at bedtime, she does not like to be read to, and generally speaking, she doesn't like to be sung to....though she loves listening to music as she falls asleep. Just not any I make. What-she-wants....is for me to lay down with her. And I've tried. Really, I have. And I feel like I am hugely a disappointment to her in that I. CAN'T. DO IT. I think it might be different if she simply lay there quietly, and went to sleep. But, she doesn't. She tosses and turns, and talks to herself, and rubs my arms, and pokes at my face for at least a half hour...and I get irritable. But, even on good nights, where she just tosses and turns and doesn't even touch me and is asleep within 15 minutes, I hate laying there. I try take a deep breath and remind myself that she won't always be little, she won't always want me there, that this is a special memory I can create for her, that this may be a tradition she can pass down to her kids, but I just don't have it in me. I don't know why, but I cannot find the peace in it, I cannot find the joy in laying beside her. And I've tried. Really, I have. The knowledge of providing her that small comfort does nothing for me. I have tried setting a timer and laying with her for just 10 mins, then just seven, just five....but I still hate it, resent it, so much that I begin to transfer those feelings, slightly, to her. And she often cries when the timer goes off and I have to leave, which makes me feel worse. There was a short period of time where it worked. I checked out a million books on CD from the library, stocked up on rechargable AA batteries, and brought in my Walkman with headphones. And I quietly, happily laid beside her, immersed in some story as she tossed and turned herself to sleep. (though quietly wondering what would happen when baby arrived, and I probably wouldn't HAVE half an hour to spend in bed with her) But then it broke. And I haven't found it in me to spend the 30 bucks to replace it. Because 30 dollars is a lot of money for us to spend right now on something we don't need.  Maybe that's what I should give her for Christmas??? Hee. Hee. 

In the end, I'm wishing I could find that special bedtime tradition we both could enjoy. Any ideas?