As a teen, I often was told to travel-now, while I was young, energetic, curious. Even if you don’t just love it-go! they told me. You won’t have this opportunity later on, when you have bills, and babies! they said. THEY regret not having traveled more! they confessed. And so, at least once, I listened. I took the opportunity to travel to Ecuador with my dad. I was, at the time, a self prescribed homebody. I was very unsure of myself. Insecure. Some would say shy. It’s interesting, because they told me that, and so, my mind knew what an incredible opportunity it was. I was told that over and over again, what an incredible opportunity I had. How it was once-in-a-lifetime… and I knew it, because I was told it. I was pleased, but not excited. I was happy, but not thrilled. My mind knew, but my emotions didn't seem to. Oh, how I wish my heart had known! My memories of my time there are good, but, overall, not particularly as treasured as I would hope. I was too self-conscious to talk to people much. I wasn't curious enough to explore the culture and the unusual surroundings. It seems to me that others in my family who have gone have had a much better time. They have in some way kept in touch with people there. People remember them. They did things, saw things, bought things, that I somehow missed. And now, I am like my those "others". Wishing I had not just traveled with my body, but with my heart and soul. Leaving a bit of myself behind so that I could take some of the country back with me. A piece of heart left behind there in the hot steamy climate of Guayaquil, or in the cold mountains near Chimborazo, or in the teaming, chaotic city of Quito. Can I get passed this regret? Perhaps, someday, if I am given the opportunity to travel again, I can move on.
I am still a homebody, but not so much as I need to be at home to be happy, but that I need some down time, to self-reflect. Somewhere that feels comforting, but it does not particularly need to be familiar, just peaceful and beautiful. I am a homebody because I have found the beauty and joy in my home. The peaceful places, the chaotic ones, and can choose which I want. I can step back and close the door, be alone to contemplate the busy-ness of the day. But, I have developed this urge to travel. To see the world and all of its glories. Its beauty, both God-made and man-made. To visit Paris, and Australia, and the Caribbean. To see Alaska and Ireland and Finland and Japan. To leave small pieces of me in every country I visit, so that I can bring back the flavors of each one, too. I want to live an eclectic and beautiful life, something more than motherhood can bring. Why did this change? is it because I no longer have much of a choice? At least not for a while…. I am a mom, with an important job now. I would never trade my daughter for travel, not in a million years, but why does this urge come now? Why did I change? What caused it? Why was it not there when I had the opportunity to experience those things I now desire? I am left at home feeling jealous of each person I hear who travels, even just to the next state…why now?
Life is interesting that way. it doesn't always fit our desires. or our desires don't always fit the way the world is. The other funny thing about life is that you can imagine things to be different than they are. people prob would remember you too. and others may not have been so caught up in the experience as you think. I didn't talk much to people either but observed more. the difference for me was having other Americans along. Interesting post anyway! I hope u get opportunity to travel some at least, now when you long to! I think it might have something to do with the opportunity gone, with maturity and increasing confidence in self. but aren't you a little glad you went anyway? At least you don't have to regret a lost opportunity!Hombody#2
ReplyDeleteI wrote this up quickly in response to something that passed by my view during the day....the more thought I put into it, the more I think that it is not, perhaps, the travel that intrigues me SO much (though it IS a LOT more so than it ever was as a teen, and yes, I'd love to travel now), but rather the sense of freedom and new experiences it provides, and once I can find ways to introduce these same feelings (through this blog for example) in my life, these jealousies will pass. And, of course, I do not regret taking the trip to Ecuador, but wish I had approached it differently. This does not mean that I had to talk to people, necessarily That being said, I feel like a did a better job of this on our trip to Hawaii. I treasure everything more so, because I took time to notice the differences, to relax and soak it in, to allow everything into my heart... even if it was just the view and the sound of the water and the feel of the sunshine.
DeleteI think we all have these situations, where others have influenced us to do something, and it's not all we hoped and are left disappointed. It's a lesson I've taken to learn to do what I feel in my heart! I too would love to travel and hike and snowboard and... and ... :) more, and I think it's important to dream and plan towards them if even in a small way as it fits in our lives. Sometimes when I can't do anything in that way, it's fun just to visit with hubs about all these fun things we are going to do when our kids are grown, even though it's a long ways off!
ReplyDeleteOh, totally dream and plan! :) I've taken steps to try getting some free air miles and so on, but its a slow process...in the meantime I just plan where to go! Live through others vacation pics, you know?
DeleteYes I know! And then I like to play up every small adventure, even if it is a drive to Cokato :D
Delete