In posting what I did, I wasn't looking for your sympathy. Not even your support, necessarily. I just wanted every one to ignore the whole thing. And also, I, personally, really wanted to ignore the fact that I had been feeling this way. I wanted to paste on my smile and breeze through my days. I wanted you to think the sun was shining brightly here, that I could even be the source of the sunshine.
I didn't want to invite you into my heart when it was hurting.
I didn't want to admit anything was wrong. I didn't want suggestions, comments, or questions. I knew I couldn't post that and not expect anyone to react, but.... that is what I wanted. My words were raw and honest, and although I thought I had made great strides in truly sharing my feelings, I was afraid this time. I felt more afraid to say that "out loud" than I have felt about anything in a long time. I wanted be beyond all that, to not have those feelings shadowing my home anymore.
But they are.
But just so you know, its not my every day feeling right now. I don't think it's even my every other day feeling. However, when it comes it stays a few days, it hits hard, and it hurts more. Because every time it leaves for a stretch-say a week, or even two, I think its gone for good. I start to relax and enjoy every little moment and I am soo happy to be happy!
In the end, I left those words posted because they WERE honest. And I knew that. And even if they didn't last that whole day, I wanted to finally face them head on. I wanted to feel them, acknowledge them, and let them go. On top of that I wanted other people- those ones out there like me, those ones full of irrational emotions they just can't shake- to know that they are not alone. That these feelings, they come and go, and eventually, they will be gone for good, but that day is not today. And that's okay. Because....
We're working on it,
together.
<3
ReplyDeleteRight back atcha Sofia!
DeleteI found that when it wasn't there, I was so happy, but I spent a ridiculous amount of time worrying that it would come back, and when it was there, I worried that it would last forever. It won't last forever! It won't.
ReplyDeleteI still worry that it could come back, but at this point I am reasonably certain that part of my life is thankfully behind me.
I wish you all good things, and know that you are not alone.
Thank you! Your words are so true, and a great reminder! I hope, for your sake, that yours is gone forever! I always feel so helpless when I can feel it settling in for another visit.
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