Ah, the sweet bliss of summer.
Time for sun-rise jog on the beach
savor cool drink on the porch swing with mom
fight haze with body-shock splash from buckets with brothers
soak in the heat, develop sun-streaks and dark tones with sisters
splash in still pools, laugh under cascades, drip-dry on towels with friends
lap drippy cones, suck melty ice, swap sun-filled looks with boyfriend
and then:
he's gone and
hot tears burn my cheeks
as the rest of me froze.
Oh, the bright colors of fall.
Time for "grandma's specials" sweaters
crunch through woods, admire, exclaim with dad
go dizzy down hill, burst into leaves with brothers
taste-test coffees, tryout scarves with sisters
giggle through malls, pull out sharpened pencils with friends
and then:
they test the world and
hot tears burn my cheeks
as the rest of me froze.
And, the blind dazzle of winter.
Time for bubble-filled soaks
spice aroma, flour fill, taste bud thrill cookies with mom
triumphant splat, dive back white, scoop, pat with brothers
bundle up starry-eye, star-fill, clear night glides with sisters
and then:
they become families and
hot tears burn my cheeks
as the rest of me froze.
So, the hope of spring.
Time for the melting that forgets to come
insect inspection, nature perplexion with dad
puddle splash, umbrella lash, mud bash with brothers
and then:
they continue to grow and
hot tears burn my cheeks
as the rest of me froze.
The loss of seasons.
The end of a time...
and then:
a search for new as
hot tears burn my cheeks
and the rest of me is frozen,
December, 2007
Friday, February 27, 2015
Thursday, February 12, 2015
On Being "Just" A Mom
 |
| © Jenae Karvonen 2015 |
When participating in small talk or meeting someone new, a question that is often asked is "what do you do for work?" and I respond that I 'just stay at home' or that I'm 'just a mom'. A number of times I've been told to NEVER describe myself as 'just'-like I am degrading myself or my position. Like including that one little 'just' should make me ashamed of who I am or what I do. And when I am rebuked like that, for a moment-just a moment- I DO feel ashamed. But you see, usually I am PROUD of that 'just'. To me, the chance to be 'just' a mom- not a nanny/mom, not a teacher/mom, not a nurse/mom, not an accountant/mom, not a translator/mom, not an any-kind-of-working/mom is a privilege. It means my husband finally makes enough money to allow me the luxury of staying home with my kids all day, every day. It has been a dream of mine for YEARS and I love saying that I am just a mom. And when someone tells me that they work full time or part time as a mom, I either see the joy in their eyes and know it's perfect for them (so I can feel happy for them), or I hope that, someday, they have the chance to be as lucky as I am. Just as someone who has worked hard at both at school and at work to make something of themselves, I have worked hard at home. I know you work hard, and you know I work hard. I know you love your kids, and you know I love mine. You have pride in your position at work and I have a sense of pride in my position as "just" a stay at home mom. In that description, I feel that it lets everyone know that in my house my kids clothes are washed by me, my kids house is cleaned by me, my kids boogers and tears are wiped by me, my kids worst fights are resolved by me, my kids happy moments are cheered on by me, my kids playmate is sometimes me, my kids life revolves around me. I feel like I get to be a little of everything- accountant, nurse, nanny, teacher, translator. For the good and the bad, I GET to be there in my child's life, and I love it. So please, when I tell you I am 'just' a mom, don't think I look down upon myself, or that I am less of a person because I don't work like you, this is my CHOICE and I am PROUD of it.
Do you feel proud of where you are in life? Are you a working mom or 'just' a mom? Have you ever been made to feel guilty about staying home?
Friday, December 5, 2014
Today I feel...
wonderful. It was a refreshingly relaxing day. Complete with a phone call to Mama. I love you, Mom! An outing and some Christmas lights. Warm soup and a warm home. A bump into friends. A quiet toddler. A teething baby. I am at peace with my day.
And wonder-full. Where did November go? I used to think the busy-ness of November and December was a bit of a lark. They can only be as busy as you make them, right?? And yet, somehow, despite doing no big Thanksgiving dinner with family and friends, no Christmas decorating or shopping or other Holiday prepping, November completely slipped away. I had blog posts planned, but not written. Words thought out again and again, but never typed. A plan, a dream, a mission. I've missed you, my friends.
And soon, my girls and I take off-to fly to a place often thought of, to pack our days with precious loved ones, to spend a month away from home. And I will miss you still.
May you all feel loved, may you all have hope, and may you all be at peace today.
And wonder-full. Where did November go? I used to think the busy-ness of November and December was a bit of a lark. They can only be as busy as you make them, right?? And yet, somehow, despite doing no big Thanksgiving dinner with family and friends, no Christmas decorating or shopping or other Holiday prepping, November completely slipped away. I had blog posts planned, but not written. Words thought out again and again, but never typed. A plan, a dream, a mission. I've missed you, my friends.
And soon, my girls and I take off-to fly to a place often thought of, to pack our days with precious loved ones, to spend a month away from home. And I will miss you still.
May you all feel loved, may you all have hope, and may you all be at peace today.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Poetry in November
Shattered
My dreams
were big,
but I disregarded them all.
I focused
on one
and began to watch it fall.
All I needed to do was catch that star.
I searched,
I studied,
and I ran to catch that star.
I cried,
I pleaded,
I couldn't run that far.
In the end, the dream fell into bits upon the floor.
With pain,
with tears
I slowly picked those pieces up.
With silence
and fears
I scattered them out the door.
My big dream was gone forever.
But then,
one by one
strangers chose the pieces off the ground
with love
and tenderness
they cherished the treasures they had found
until only one was left.
I picked it up to realize it was the dream that would truly make me happy.
~2006
My dreams
were big,
but I disregarded them all.
I focused
on one
and began to watch it fall.
All I needed to do was catch that star.
I searched,
I studied,
and I ran to catch that star.
I cried,
I pleaded,
I couldn't run that far.
In the end, the dream fell into bits upon the floor.
With pain,
with tears
I slowly picked those pieces up.
With silence
and fears
I scattered them out the door.
My big dream was gone forever.
But then,
one by one
strangers chose the pieces off the ground
with love
and tenderness
they cherished the treasures they had found
until only one was left.
I picked it up to realize it was the dream that would truly make me happy.
~2006
Sunday, November 2, 2014
October's Best Books
My daughter and I loved this rhyming little ditty (okay, it's not a song, but it could be) of a book. Quick and easy to read it's simply fun to get through.
Ohhh, my. Cheerio and I found a copy of this book at our local used bookstore and I just couldn't pass it up. I remembered it from my childhood fondly, though I couldn't clearly remember the story line, and it didn't let me down. Cheerio also loves it and wonders "where my little toot, mom?" every time I put it away with the rest of the books.
And for me:
A first person account of an African child's experiences in war as an orphan, a soldier, a rehabilitated young man, and the moments the war caught up to him once again. A shocking horror as any war book will be.
A book set both in the eyes of a slave in southern U.S.A. and a modern day lawyer searching to discover the true painter to a set of famous and valuable paintings.
As someone who has little interest in newspapers and their electronic counterparts, I knew very little about the famous Amanda Knox and the case that surrounds her before picking up this book. I love these tragically real books-questionable guilt, innocent people accused, and police cases gone wrong- so really, this case was right up my alley and if I had had any notion of news at all, I probably would have been glued to the coverage with the rest of the world. I wonder if that would have brought a different outlook to this book?
Hope you all had an adventure-filled month with me!
Thursday, October 30, 2014
10 ways to keep your nanny (without spending extra money)
In no particular order:
1. Find someone you trust, then trust her/him completely. Unless you are clear during the interview process that you will expect your nanny to stay home always, allow the nanny to bring your children places, to plan activities, and to care for them completely, just as you would with your spouse, parents, or best friend. Understanding that trust takes time to build, if you cannot trust your nanny completely after one year, it's probably time to find someone else.
2. Let her/him celebrate with your children. Your nanny has grown to love your children and wants to be there to celebrate special occasions-birthdays, graduations, and other major accomplishments. Even if you cannot, or wish not to invite her/him into your own celebrations, make it clear that the nanny can plan a small second celebration during normal working hours-a gift, a cake, etc.
3. Schedule in regular time to discuss things with your nanny. Most "normal" jobs have monthly meetings, teachers schedule conferences with parents, and daycare's have both meetings AND conferences! Just as in these instances it is a good idea to schedule in time to discuss with your nanny how things are going. What you feel is missing in her/his performance, what the nanny is struggling to accomplish, any discipline concerns, what the children are learning (if applicable) and what things are going well for everyone concerned.
4. Don't ask her/him to work if you don't need them! This may have been a personal pet peeve of mine, but it was really frustrating to me to come to work on days when the parents planned to be home and spending time with the kids. When you are around your kids they want YOU-for everything! Realistically, the nanny isn't going to be much help and no matter how much he/she loves the work, watching you interact with your kids all day can be a bit boring. Your nanny would rather be at home that day-if you were going to pay her/him to come in for the day, it would be awfully nice for you to pass that on to her/him at home, too!
5. Be realistic. Even stay at home moms cannot get the dishes, laundry, vacuuming, dusting done everyday, so why would you expect it of your nanny? Pay close attention to what you accomplish on the days you're home with your kiddos, and don't expect much more from your nanny.
6. Don't be afraid to celebrate with him/her. People like to feel special. Most work places have set up cards for birthdays and anniversaries-your nanny is no different and likes to be remembered on these special days just as much as anyone.
7. Allow him/her to bring their children (when applicable) or be very clear during the interview process that you are not open to this (even if it seems as if there are no kids in his/her future-you never know how long they will work for you, or how quickly things might change!). Bringing kids is a HUGE benefit to any parent who is a nanny. Going hand in hand with this-be understanding about it. Your nannies children will probably demand more of her/his attention than your own simply because that is mom/dad-kids are always more comfortable with their own parents. Children have different temperaments, some seek out adults more often than others. Children of different ages demand varying amounts of attention. For example, babies take more hours worth of hands-on care than a five year old. Also, as long as no house rules are being broken, allow her/him to make their own parenting decisions. If your children are not being neglected, try to find a way to let it go.
8. Be clear on time. If you like to stay after work and chat with coworkers or grab a coffee, add those 10-20 minutes on to your time of arrival back home. If your work often changes and you never know if you can be home on time, make sure your nanny understands this before hire. If you go out of town on short notice, be sure your nanny understands this. If you are only on occasion expected to work late without notice be sure your nanny understands this, and don't be afraid to remind her/him occasionally. Whenever possible, notify your nanny of any changes ASAP.
9. If you notice that she/he has done something above and beyond your expectations, let her/him know! Praise goes a long way.
10. Okay, this one kind of breaks the rule about not spending extra money, but vacation time is always nice and paid is even better. If you get paid vacation at your job, your nanny would be ecstatic if you passed at least a portion of that on to her/him!
1. Find someone you trust, then trust her/him completely. Unless you are clear during the interview process that you will expect your nanny to stay home always, allow the nanny to bring your children places, to plan activities, and to care for them completely, just as you would with your spouse, parents, or best friend. Understanding that trust takes time to build, if you cannot trust your nanny completely after one year, it's probably time to find someone else.
2. Let her/him celebrate with your children. Your nanny has grown to love your children and wants to be there to celebrate special occasions-birthdays, graduations, and other major accomplishments. Even if you cannot, or wish not to invite her/him into your own celebrations, make it clear that the nanny can plan a small second celebration during normal working hours-a gift, a cake, etc.
3. Schedule in regular time to discuss things with your nanny. Most "normal" jobs have monthly meetings, teachers schedule conferences with parents, and daycare's have both meetings AND conferences! Just as in these instances it is a good idea to schedule in time to discuss with your nanny how things are going. What you feel is missing in her/his performance, what the nanny is struggling to accomplish, any discipline concerns, what the children are learning (if applicable) and what things are going well for everyone concerned.
4. Don't ask her/him to work if you don't need them! This may have been a personal pet peeve of mine, but it was really frustrating to me to come to work on days when the parents planned to be home and spending time with the kids. When you are around your kids they want YOU-for everything! Realistically, the nanny isn't going to be much help and no matter how much he/she loves the work, watching you interact with your kids all day can be a bit boring. Your nanny would rather be at home that day-if you were going to pay her/him to come in for the day, it would be awfully nice for you to pass that on to her/him at home, too!
5. Be realistic. Even stay at home moms cannot get the dishes, laundry, vacuuming, dusting done everyday, so why would you expect it of your nanny? Pay close attention to what you accomplish on the days you're home with your kiddos, and don't expect much more from your nanny.
6. Don't be afraid to celebrate with him/her. People like to feel special. Most work places have set up cards for birthdays and anniversaries-your nanny is no different and likes to be remembered on these special days just as much as anyone.
7. Allow him/her to bring their children (when applicable) or be very clear during the interview process that you are not open to this (even if it seems as if there are no kids in his/her future-you never know how long they will work for you, or how quickly things might change!). Bringing kids is a HUGE benefit to any parent who is a nanny. Going hand in hand with this-be understanding about it. Your nannies children will probably demand more of her/his attention than your own simply because that is mom/dad-kids are always more comfortable with their own parents. Children have different temperaments, some seek out adults more often than others. Children of different ages demand varying amounts of attention. For example, babies take more hours worth of hands-on care than a five year old. Also, as long as no house rules are being broken, allow her/him to make their own parenting decisions. If your children are not being neglected, try to find a way to let it go.
8. Be clear on time. If you like to stay after work and chat with coworkers or grab a coffee, add those 10-20 minutes on to your time of arrival back home. If your work often changes and you never know if you can be home on time, make sure your nanny understands this before hire. If you go out of town on short notice, be sure your nanny understands this. If you are only on occasion expected to work late without notice be sure your nanny understands this, and don't be afraid to remind her/him occasionally. Whenever possible, notify your nanny of any changes ASAP.
9. If you notice that she/he has done something above and beyond your expectations, let her/him know! Praise goes a long way.
10. Okay, this one kind of breaks the rule about not spending extra money, but vacation time is always nice and paid is even better. If you get paid vacation at your job, your nanny would be ecstatic if you passed at least a portion of that on to her/him!
Are you a nanny? What keeps you working for your family? What do you wish they would change?
Saturday, October 18, 2014
Depression is...
...funny. Not haha funny, but funny in the way in which the word is used to mean something that is so crazy you almost find it hard to believe. The way in which a coincidence is funny. Or irony is funny. A little sarcastic: a bit unbelieving that things could really be that way. You see--most people picture depression as a sadness. Something that forces you to crawl into bed and turn people away so you can cry in the dark all day long. Yes, depression can look like this, but that is just a hint of what depression can truly look like. Depression can be a myriad of emotions and feelings and thoughts and expressions. It is slightly different, yet entirely the same for each person. Mine is of sadness, and anger, and irritability, and thoughtfulness and yes, even of joy. I equate my struggles with postpartum depression as to that of a toddler. I can be utterly giddy with thankfulness and pleasure one moment, only for it to completely dissipate into irrational anger at some small thing where I turn to tantrums. It becomes an irritable anger so intense that it is pure uncaring hatred for anything in my way. Slamming doors and pounding fists. Stomping my feet across the floor, I fear at what I could use this anger for-what I could break, what I could hurt only to instantly regret and then, suddenly......the floor cracks underneath my stomping feet and disappears and some large, unseen beast comes up and swallows me whole as I tumble into that black space beneath the floor. He sucks out my insides and leaves me feeling a loss of which I never knew existed. A desire to sob uncontrollably, but the inability to find the source of my tears. A restless desperation to find them and set them free that lasts on into the night as stumble around in the darkness, looking. And occasionally, I find them-and what bliss it is to cry. Yet, how horrifying to discover the depths of my tears. The oceans of salt water existing inside me. This fear causes me to turn away from all-to wish to be alone in my personal drowning. How can anyone save me from this well that is inside myself? That circular life preserver cannot pull me to safety as I am not in the ocean, but the ocean is in me. Rather than unknowingly cling to someone in a desperate attempt to save myself, dragging them deep, I push them away. But, if they fight through my shoving hands, if they meet me in my ocean of tears and wrap me in a long, warm, strong hug-I cry harder, forcing that ocean out in raw, unwarranted sobs until I discover it is absorbed there in their t-shirt. The fact that a single t-shirt can hold entire oceans will never cease to amaze me. Nor will I ever stop being amazed that someone cares for me more than I, myself, possibly could in that moment. That they will fight for me. And, then, as if on a breeze...I am back to some other thought. Some other feeling. Some other moment. Some other day.
Depression is irritating. It is as if I am dragging my heart through the sand, each little particle embedding itself in a little deeper until I itch and ache. I do not want to feel this way, and yet I know no other way. I am frustrated with the pain, the anger, the hurt, and yet, I cannot figure out how to stop. How to change my path. My anger is deep, yet knowing it is there only makes me more angry. I snap-because I cannot rid myself of the feeling to snap, which makes me angry enough to put me over the edge. I become irritated at my heart. At my humanness. At myself. I cannot shake this irritation, this desire to not feel the way I do with no clue how to reign my feelings back in, to shut them down. I desire to feel normal, yet I cannot feel normal and it makes me crazy.
Depression is confusing. With so many thoughts and feelings flooding my brain, I feel as if I am losing control. I cannot concentrate on one thing. I forget what I am doing or where I am going. I forget what I wanted or where I can find it. I feel lost. I feel as if I am in a race where suddenly the start became the finish and no one clued me in. Everyone is running backwards and I continue gamely on as people swarm and surround me so that I cannot see my ultimate goal. I feel as though I am in a game of which I originally understood, and then the rules completely changed and I am doing everything wrong, at the wrong times, with the wrong people. I can no longer make sense of reality. It is a logical knowing of the fact that, I have things good. That life is great and I am truly blessed. Still, it's the inability to get my feelings to match this logic all the time. To feel as if my life is especially hard, or especially difficult, even while knowing it is not.
Depression is depressing. I berate myself every unwashed dish, every child's plea unfulfilled, every shower not taken. I agonize over every unorganized closet, every cobwebbed corner, every meal not made. I find all my flaws- any extra weight, perceived or real, any act of rudeness... meanness... thoughtlessness. And then I berate myself for berating myself and I cannot stop. I spiral into my self doubt, deeper and deeper.
Depression is exhausting. All those thoughts and feelings within the space of a few moments is tiring. The depths of those feelings tiring. But, more than that, I know I need to fight these feelings. I need to give myself leeway. I need to know that this is life-life is unwashed dishes, uncooked meals, unorganized closets. I need to remember that I am caring; a mother who loves completely her children, even if I do not respond to every moment with the attention it deserves. I need to remember that my husband feels loved, even though I do not wake up and make him breakfast each morning. I need to have patience with myself. I need to be vigilant for the negative thoughts and fight them. Vigilance is tiring. Fighting is tiring. No matter how many times I see the goodness in my life-the sunny smile of my baby, the beauty of a blue sky, a golden leaf, a long swim, a gentle walk, the abundance of my home, my family, my friends-I still need to force it upon myself again and again. I need to fight with my eyes and my brain to see and remember these things. I need to be conscious and vigilant at noticing each joy and fight through the greyness that can so quickly descend. Vigilance is tiring work. Fighting is tiring work. I need to force myself to move- I feel so confused, and sad, and angry, and annoyed that it can become so easy to just sit. To stare at the clouds out the window. To not eat. To not sleep. To not think. I have to be vigilant against these feelings. I have to fight through the confusion and take things step by step. I have to fight through the sadness and find the happy moment again. I have to fight through the anger and find my good cheer. Vigilance is tiring. Fighting is tiring. I need to reach out to people. I need to be vigilant against the monster who whispers that it is better to just let them go. I need to fight him, too tell him I do care about them, as they care about me. Vigilance is tiring. Fighting is tiring. Getting out the door is tiring. Thinking is tiring. Sleeping is tiring. Depression is all these things, but most of all, fighting depression is a battle I cannot do alone. I need love, support, and kindness even as I snap at you and push you away. It is so much easier to just give in, to not feel, to not think....to sink.
*for a description of depression that will have you in tears, visit Understanding Me, and this post here.
Depression is irritating. It is as if I am dragging my heart through the sand, each little particle embedding itself in a little deeper until I itch and ache. I do not want to feel this way, and yet I know no other way. I am frustrated with the pain, the anger, the hurt, and yet, I cannot figure out how to stop. How to change my path. My anger is deep, yet knowing it is there only makes me more angry. I snap-because I cannot rid myself of the feeling to snap, which makes me angry enough to put me over the edge. I become irritated at my heart. At my humanness. At myself. I cannot shake this irritation, this desire to not feel the way I do with no clue how to reign my feelings back in, to shut them down. I desire to feel normal, yet I cannot feel normal and it makes me crazy.
Depression is confusing. With so many thoughts and feelings flooding my brain, I feel as if I am losing control. I cannot concentrate on one thing. I forget what I am doing or where I am going. I forget what I wanted or where I can find it. I feel lost. I feel as if I am in a race where suddenly the start became the finish and no one clued me in. Everyone is running backwards and I continue gamely on as people swarm and surround me so that I cannot see my ultimate goal. I feel as though I am in a game of which I originally understood, and then the rules completely changed and I am doing everything wrong, at the wrong times, with the wrong people. I can no longer make sense of reality. It is a logical knowing of the fact that, I have things good. That life is great and I am truly blessed. Still, it's the inability to get my feelings to match this logic all the time. To feel as if my life is especially hard, or especially difficult, even while knowing it is not.
Depression is depressing. I berate myself every unwashed dish, every child's plea unfulfilled, every shower not taken. I agonize over every unorganized closet, every cobwebbed corner, every meal not made. I find all my flaws- any extra weight, perceived or real, any act of rudeness... meanness... thoughtlessness. And then I berate myself for berating myself and I cannot stop. I spiral into my self doubt, deeper and deeper.
Depression is exhausting. All those thoughts and feelings within the space of a few moments is tiring. The depths of those feelings tiring. But, more than that, I know I need to fight these feelings. I need to give myself leeway. I need to know that this is life-life is unwashed dishes, uncooked meals, unorganized closets. I need to remember that I am caring; a mother who loves completely her children, even if I do not respond to every moment with the attention it deserves. I need to remember that my husband feels loved, even though I do not wake up and make him breakfast each morning. I need to have patience with myself. I need to be vigilant for the negative thoughts and fight them. Vigilance is tiring. Fighting is tiring. No matter how many times I see the goodness in my life-the sunny smile of my baby, the beauty of a blue sky, a golden leaf, a long swim, a gentle walk, the abundance of my home, my family, my friends-I still need to force it upon myself again and again. I need to fight with my eyes and my brain to see and remember these things. I need to be conscious and vigilant at noticing each joy and fight through the greyness that can so quickly descend. Vigilance is tiring work. Fighting is tiring work. I need to force myself to move- I feel so confused, and sad, and angry, and annoyed that it can become so easy to just sit. To stare at the clouds out the window. To not eat. To not sleep. To not think. I have to be vigilant against these feelings. I have to fight through the confusion and take things step by step. I have to fight through the sadness and find the happy moment again. I have to fight through the anger and find my good cheer. Vigilance is tiring. Fighting is tiring. I need to reach out to people. I need to be vigilant against the monster who whispers that it is better to just let them go. I need to fight him, too tell him I do care about them, as they care about me. Vigilance is tiring. Fighting is tiring. Getting out the door is tiring. Thinking is tiring. Sleeping is tiring. Depression is all these things, but most of all, fighting depression is a battle I cannot do alone. I need love, support, and kindness even as I snap at you and push you away. It is so much easier to just give in, to not feel, to not think....to sink.
*for a description of depression that will have you in tears, visit Understanding Me, and this post here.
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