Taking a Break

For the summer, or forever, only time will tell.

Imagine

Our imaginations are incredible and they come with us everywhere! If we would only use them just a little bit more, our lives could be so fulfilled. Not only are they a great resource for entertainment, they can also teach us a lot about ourselves. I always think it's so sad the things we seem to lose between childhood and adulthood. Life would be way easier if we could keep this knowledge with us. Many of my favorite childhood imaginings came from books, but really, the book was just inspiration for something I already knew about myself. One of my childhood daydreams was inspired from a particular book by Dr. Seuss:

The book is about a young boy who uses HIS imagination to create something exciting to have seen on his way home from school, and actually, I don't even like this particular story much. Never have. But I did like one small part in the illustrations. Let's take this page:

Now this illustration comes toward the end of the book, and there is a LOT going on in it. It is truly a bit of a wild and crazy scene. Can anyone see me as the kind of person who would look at this page, and find a place I would want to live? No? What if I told you I always zoomed in on this particular cheerful man:

Still no? What if I told you I paired that man and his humble home with this scene here:

Ah ha. Now you're following me, huh? I would spend hours fantasizing about living in that mans tiny little house, attached to a vehicle that plodded through the country side. I pictured hours and hours of sunshine and singing birds. Of ending each of my days with a new sunset in a new frame. Of snuggling on my bed in my clean, neat home, reading a book, lulled by the sound of the tires meandering along on a rainy day. I imagined a fireplace (he has a chimney after all). I imagined my time alone, And yet, with a new town to explore all the time, and new experiences to be had, I wouldn't get lonely. Besides, I would always be on my way home, no matter which direction I was headed, and on top of that, I would always be home. I would always have my favorite, comfortable items to turn to in times of need. And really, my dream hasn't changed a whole lot. I'm just, finally, getting back in touch with it. Remember my dream about the house boat? Doesn't that sound so similar to this childhood dream I had? And barring that, I really want to get to small house living. To humble beginnings, but with so much space outdoors to explore and discover new things each day. I am in love with my familiar, comfortable things. But I don't need much (or so I like to think). And yet, I love discoveries and new experiences. I am re-learning these things about myself, and at the same time, I am discovering a peace with myself that I never knew I had lost.

Have you rediscovered anything about yourself today? What's one of your favorite daydreams?

Delete

It was moments after I hit post on Wednesday that I wanted to quickly find the delete. To take it all back. To erase the words I had written and pretend they had never been there.

In posting what I did, I wasn't looking for your sympathy. Not even your support, necessarily. I just wanted every one to ignore the whole thing. And also, I, personally, really wanted to ignore the fact that I had been feeling this way. I wanted to paste on my smile and breeze through my days. I wanted you to think the sun was shining brightly here, that I could even be the source of the sunshine.

I didn't want to invite you into my heart when it was hurting.

I didn't want to admit anything was wrong. I didn't want suggestions, comments, or questions. I knew I couldn't post that and not expect anyone to react, but.... that is what I wanted. My words were raw and honest, and although I thought I had made great strides in truly sharing my feelings, I was afraid this time. I felt more afraid to say that "out loud" than I have felt about anything in a long time. I wanted be beyond all that, to not have those feelings shadowing my home anymore.

But they are.

But just so you know, its not my every day feeling right now. I don't think it's even my every other day feeling. However, when it comes it stays a few days, it hits hard, and it hurts more. Because every time it leaves for a stretch-say a week, or even two, I think its gone for good. I start to relax and enjoy every little moment and I am soo happy to be happy!

In the end, I left those words posted because they WERE honest. And I knew that. And even if they didn't last that whole day, I wanted to finally face them head on. I wanted to feel them, acknowledge them, and let them go. On top of that I wanted other people- those ones out there like me, those ones full of irrational emotions they just can't shake- to know that they are not alone. That these feelings, they come and go, and eventually, they will be gone for good, but that day is not today. And that's okay. Because....


We're working on it,

together.

Crumbling

I can feel the ground crumbling beneath my feet. The once solid places breaking off, slipping away out of site. I can feel my path becoming weaker and weaker, and it seems that there is nothing I can do about it. It's going to disappear completely soon. It is so illogical, this feeling of being less than the person I know I am. I reach out to steady myself. To find that center, that strong core that I know is in me. It was there just a month ago. A day ago. Even an hour ago, perhaps. I was feeling better, I know I was. I was confident and self-assured. I was happy. I want so desperately to be happy, Now. So, what changed? There is no tangible part of my life that is harder, lesser, unforgiving. No one has teased me or turned on me. I changed. But why? I want to know just as badly as you do. Probably more so. 

There is no answer. And that is the hardest thing to accept.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

How do you know?

I ended my last post on a really positive note telling you all how you shouldn't worry about if you're better than anyone. If only it were so easy. Somehow, the doubt creeps in regardless. It starts out as a little wriggling thought, and it slowly feeds on all my other thoughts until it is so big it bursts from my brain and fills my whole body. It's not worth it. Why do you bother? Does anyone really care? It grows and expands to include more and more questions. To include more and more of my life. It turns everything anyone says, and every thought I've ever had into self-doubt. It runs through my mind over and over like a hamster on a wheel. It spirals and swirls around and around until it is the only color filling my soul. And I try to stop it. I need to stop it.

 I clutch onto my husbands encouraging words. How do you know? I throw them back at each phrase. I pitch them as hard as I can. I whip them back with all my energy.

It's not worth it. How do you know? 
No one really cares. How do you know? 
You're not good enough for this. How do you know? Who made you the expert? 

And still they surround me. So I grasp out for more words. Ones from my sister this time. I feed them in tandem.

 Why do you bother? Stop trying to be good, just be. Besides, how do you know? 
What makes you think you have anything to give?What makes you think I don't? How do you know I haven't already? Besides, stop trying to be good, just be and the good will come.

And it works...until it doesn't. And I have to toe-hold onto more encouraging words. Many beautiful things go un-noticed. 

But yours isn't beautiful. How do you know?

Slowly, surely, I can win the battle. By feeding each questioning thought, each self-deprecating statement with a million encouragements, I can do it. But it takes outside help. I need help from you to find that encouragement. To discover the beauty, the talent, the worthiness inside of me. Thank you for being that help.

What do you do on days you're overwhelmed with self-doubt? Do you have any particular encouraging words that help you most?

Join In

Let me be honest with ya'll. My Facebook feed is full of beautiful words that I did not write. Every day I am bombarded with link after link of gorgeously written, meaningful posts. People write about marriages and friendships. About hatred, love, and loss. About humor and loveliness. And its not all posts, sometimes people capture their thoughts not only beautifully, but also concisely (something I've never been good at) to give us a one-sentence or so heart-capturing moment. And lately, I've felt lost. I lost track of the fact that I started writing for me and I've wondered why I even bother to blog. It seemed that every topic I got excited about would show up on my news feed within a few hours. It was already covered in such a heartfelt way that I could never compete. I even got so down about it I whined to my husband that I just wanted to inspire people, but that I had nothing inspiring to give. And his response: 

How do you know?

How important those words are. How do you know you're not inspiring someone? Just because they don't come to you and say, 'You know what? You are my inspiration!' doesn't mean they're not thinking it. And I wanted so badly to just dismiss his words (he's supposed to say things like that, right?), but I found that I couldn't. As much as I tried to blow it off, another part of me was screaming "Yes! That is so true!!" And as I did my best to continue to feel sorry for myself, for my pitiful words and my sporadic bloggings, I remembered this quote:

Image taken from here.

These words stuck with me from the moment I first read them because they are so true! It was like an opening was created in my heart just for those words, and finally reading them, they could be written where they belonged. It takes us all- the good, the bad, the ugly -to support one another. If only the very best bloggers took time to write their words, the internet would surely be a dead place. It would be unoriginal. We would all be left thinking the same things and feeling the same things. It would be silent and uninspiring. It is the diversity, the creativity, the millions of thoughts written and shared that wind up inspiring us all. So, may you take what talents you have, no matter if you are better then the guy to your right, or worse than the guy to your left, and allow yourself to put your heart into it. Let us support and inspire one another with the beauty of our own hearts.

Where do you find your inspiration? And, what do you do with it? 

#NoRegrets

Hey all, you can check out my #noregrets post over on Sofia's blog, Stars Unseen, where I am very pleased to be featured today. The honor is seriously all mine, and if you haven't checked out her #noregrets series yet, it's a must read! And while you're there, check out the rest of her blog, too. Awesome writer. Awesome topics. You won't regret it (haha, get it?) I promise! Seriously, though. Go check it out!

In The Most Unloving Of Ways

This quote has been going around teaching circles, parenting circles, Pinterest boards, and probably a variety of other 'circles'. And it is a great reminder to us all. But you know what? I think today we should take out the word "kids" and replace it with "humans". The humans who need the most love will ask for it in the most unloving of ways. Because, really, we silly humans, it's what we do. When we really need love, support, and encouragement, we bury ourselves in solitude. And while sometimes people really do just need that alone time, usually they can ask for it politely. They apologize, they explain, they ask. But, the best friend who just hollered at you to stay out of her life? She needs you. The sibling who rudely told you it's none of your business? He needs you. The classmate who  just cut you down? They need you. That person who just about killed you by telling you to get lost because they can live without you just fine? Yup, they are hurting you because they need you! Crazy, isn't it? The one who runs away, puts up walls, works hardest to avoid you-- They need you most! 

They need someone who will say, you know what? I'm not letting you run away from me. No matter how far, or how fast, or how long you run- I can keep up. And I'll be here. And you may not be ready to talk yet, but when you are, yep, you can turn to me. Until then, we can run in silence. I'm going where you're going, quietly. Not judging you, not begging you, not insisting that you open up to me, but just waiting to catch you when you trip. That wall you built? I'm gonna climb it. And maybe I can't quite reach the top. But at least then, when you feel lonely and look over the edge, you can spot me silently picking my way towards you and know you are loved. It's easy to allow their lashes to hurt us, to allow them to push us away because of it. But, when you know they are just shouting to be loved, we can set that hurt aside. We can be a bigger person than that. In our society we tend to think it's best to just watch someone run away. That when someone pushes us away we should give them space. That they will come around. That they will find us when they need us. But you know what? We're wrong. When they look around and see no one there they will feel alone and abandoned and unloved. So let's change this. Let's show them they are loved. Will you help me?

Have you used these tactics to push people away? And did it work?

Recovering From A Bad Night

We are often told that the phrase "I'm sorry" doesn't fix anything, but that one little phrase is actually quite powerful. While it may have originated as a reminder not to hurt one another, or perhaps it just meant that it's the feelings behind the words that count, it has been skewed almost to the point where we believe an apology can't and won't help in creating the change we want.

We had one of those nights in our home last week-you know the kind. The baby (Jumper) was crying and wouldn't go to sleep, there was music playing the the background and in the background of that the dishwasher was running and the air conditioner was on, and in the foreground Cheerio was asking way too many why questions for my brain to keep up, there were Lego's strewn on the floor and in the process of trying to avoid them I kept smashing cold cereal and crackers into the carpet. No one had eaten a real supper, and we were likely all hungry, but I couldn't figure out a reasonable meal between the crying and the asking and the mess. I had had too many late nights combined with too many early mornings- I was tired. My brain was shutting down and was annoyed that it had to keep coming up with 'because' responses until it finally just refused, and when it did, that's when it happened. I yelled. I hollered. I blew up. I lost it. I screamed at the top of my lungs something like "Just BECAUSE that's the way it IS! And DARN IT would you JUST GO TO SLEEP ALREADY!!!!" And I probably stomped my foot and I may have thrown things to the floor which sent Cheerio scampering off to hide in her bedroom like she does, and set the baby to crying louder and harder. And then I felt like a terrible person, I mean, who hollers at such sweet little kids? Certainly not the first time I've done it. In the past I have made a point to come back after I've calmed down and tell my children that I should not have gotten angry like that. That I was tired and hungry, that they caught me at a bad time, that I had a headache, whatever, but that it was not right for me to take it out on them. I say sorry. I tell them I love them. We snuggle and kiss and try to restore some small part of trust that was lost in our exchange. And I did it that night, but I forgot one small part that was glaringly obvious to my daughter. I came into my four year old's room and wrapped her in my arms and explained to her all that had gone wrong, what I had done wrong, how much I loved her and what a great, loving, inquisitive little girl she was. And then I tried to send her on her way. But, she instantly burst into tears. That was unusual, so back into my lap she came. "Oh, honey, whats wrong? Why are you still crying?" I asked. "It's okay!" I reassured her. "You don't need to cry."

"B-b-but, but, b-but....You didn't say I'm Sorry yet!" She sobbed.

And so I did. And so she dried her eyes, and accepted another hug, and picked up her dinosaur's and went off to play. So you see, my friends, "I'm sorry" really can fix everything. At least when you're four.


What do you do in your house to reconnect with your children after a bad night? Do you think saying "I'm Sorry" helps at all? 

A Last Poem From An Old Collection

The Night Sky

A wish for love....

A wish for peace...

A wish for family...

A wish for dreams...

A wish for just one hug...

A wish for a single butterfly kiss...

A wish for a soaring swing ride...

A wish for a day on the beach...

A wish for a frozen castle fortress...

A wish for melting ice cream....

A wish for a wiggling puppies bark...

A wish for flip flops in the rain...

each star captures a wish,

suspended.

But don't concentrate on the stars-

look at all the space between them,

wishes that have already come true.

2006

image taken from here

Great Beauty

...is found everywhere. Even in they dying. The dying of the day brings us a beautiful sunset while the dying of the night is a sunrise. The dying of winter brings us tender, new buds and the dying of summer brings freshly gowned trees in glorious colors. And my thoughts linger on the melting of the snow, the glory of a life gone by.

© Jenae Karvonen March 2015

 For you see, the past few weeks these dying flowers keep capturing my attention. As I bustle through the making of meals, the absolute minimum of cleaning and scrubbing I can squeeze in to get by, the washing of tummy drenched bedding.... and more bedding... and more bedding(!) I can't help but smile as I pass by my seemingly unloved bouquet. It was hurriedly clipped and dropped into a jar of water, pushed back onto the windowsill to clear space for sippy cups full of pedialyte and ice cream pails for those lucky moments when we're quick enough....but my browning flowers are completely loved. For they were lovingly chosen by a little girl who knew that 'mommy likes white and clean. It's her favorite' and intentionally purchased by a husband who just likes to see me smile. May my dying flowers bring you a smile today, too. I can always do with a new smile or two, what has made you smile this week?

© Jenae Karvonen March 2015

You Are Amazing!

When sitting down to write today I took a quick peek at my drafts for some inspiration and I noticed a theme: Almost all my post ideas are things we as moms, as Americans, as regular human beings, could work on. Things to pay attention to. Something to do more often or less often. Something to concentrate on to make the world a better place. But all those can wait. Because today, today I am here to tell you-yes, you- you wonderful human being-you thoughtful person out living and loving-you who are struggling through the hard days and breathing in the good ones-you who are out there doing the best that you know how- it may not seem like much, but

you are doing a great job!

©Jenae Karvonen 2006

7 Ways to Use Facebook for Good

1. Facebook is a hot bed of all kinds of news-vacations, new babies, new houses, new hobbies, old hobbies, good days, bad days, funerals, sicknesses. Take a moment to celebrate with or cheer up a friend by using their news to connect with them. Make them a card or call them on the phone. What better way to brighten someones day?! Even if you don't know them well, or haven't talked to them in years, they are your Facebook friend, after all, right??

2. Use all the news mentioned in the previous point to interact with and focus on others. Don't just use it to spread your own news, but pay attention to what others are saying. Comment on their posts-celebrate, sympathize, encourage!

3. Use what you find as an opportunity to better your relationship with God. Take the opportunity to pray for others, and to be thankful for what you have!

4. Focus on positivity. If you don't have anything good to say, don't say it. Keep your comments upbeat. It might be good to pause a moment before hitting the post button and ask yourself: 'would I like to receive this comment?'

5. Send a heartfelt message to your mom. Saying thanks isn't just for Mothers Day you know!

6. Donate to a good cause, or better yet, advocate for one! This can even be as simple as organizing a group of friends to visit someone who is going through a tough time.

7. Pare down your news feed so you can focus on those things that are really important to you! Not only will you come away feeling more fulfilled, but you'll also have more time to spend on other things that matter, too! For example: your husband, your kids, your parents, the book on your nightstand, a new hobby...

Longingful: A Poem

Ah, the sweet bliss of summer.
Time for sun-rise jog on the beach
savor cool drink on the porch swing with mom
fight haze with body-shock splash from buckets with brothers
soak in the heat, develop sun-streaks and dark tones with sisters
splash in still pools, laugh under cascades, drip-dry on towels with friends
lap drippy cones, suck melty ice, swap sun-filled looks with boyfriend
and then:
  he's gone and
         hot tears burn my cheeks
      as the rest of me froze.

Oh, the bright colors of fall.
Time for "grandma's specials" sweaters
crunch through woods, admire, exclaim with dad
go dizzy down hill, burst into leaves with brothers
taste-test coffees, tryout scarves with sisters
giggle through malls, pull out sharpened pencils with friends
and then:
  they test the world and
          hot tears burn my cheeks
     as the rest of me froze.

And, the blind dazzle of winter.
Time for bubble-filled soaks
spice aroma, flour fill, taste bud thrill cookies with mom
triumphant splat, dive back white, scoop, pat with brothers
bundle up starry-eye, star-fill, clear night glides with sisters
and then:
  they become families and
         hot tears burn my cheeks
     as the rest of me froze.

So, the hope of spring.
Time for the melting that forgets to come
insect inspection, nature perplexion with dad
puddle splash, umbrella lash, mud bash with brothers
and then:
  they continue to grow and
          hot tears burn my cheeks
      as the rest of me froze.

The loss of seasons.
The end of a time...
and then:
  a search for new as
         hot tears burn my cheeks
     and the rest of me is frozen,

December, 2007

On Being "Just" A Mom

© Jenae Karvonen 2015

When participating in small talk or meeting someone new, a question that is often asked is "what do you do for work?" and I respond that I 'just stay at home' or that I'm 'just a mom'. A number of times I've been told to NEVER describe myself as 'just'-like I am degrading myself or my position. Like including that one little 'just' should make me ashamed of who I am or what I do. And when I am rebuked like that, for a moment-just a moment- I DO feel ashamed. But you see, usually I am PROUD of that 'just'. To me, the chance to be 'just' a mom- not a nanny/mom, not a teacher/mom, not a nurse/mom, not an accountant/mom, not a translator/mom, not an any-kind-of-working/mom is a privilege. It means my husband finally makes enough money to allow me the luxury of staying home with my kids all day, every day. It has been a dream of mine for YEARS and I love saying that I am just a mom. And when someone tells me that they work full time or part time as a mom, I either see the joy in their eyes and know it's perfect for them (so I can feel happy for them), or I hope that, someday, they have the chance to be as lucky as I am. Just as someone who has worked hard at both at school and at work to make something of themselves, I have worked hard at home. I know you work hard, and you know I work hard. I know you love your kids, and you know I love mine. You have pride in your position at work and I have a sense of pride in my position as "just" a stay at home mom. In that description, I feel that it lets everyone know that in my house my kids clothes are washed by me, my kids house is cleaned by me, my kids boogers and tears are wiped by me, my kids worst fights are resolved by me, my kids happy moments are cheered on by me, my kids playmate is sometimes me, my kids life revolves around me. I feel like I get to be a little of everything- accountant, nurse, nanny, teacher, translator. For the good and the bad, I GET to be there in my child's life, and I love it. So please, when I tell you I am 'just' a mom, don't think I look down upon myself, or that I am less of a person because I don't work like you, this is my CHOICE and I am PROUD of it.

Do you feel proud of where you are in life? Are you a working mom or 'just' a mom? Have you ever been made to feel guilty about staying home?

Today I feel...

wonderful. It was a refreshingly relaxing day. Complete with a phone call to Mama. I love you, Mom! An outing and some Christmas lights. Warm soup and a warm home. A bump into friends. A quiet toddler. A teething baby. I am at peace with my day.

And wonder-full. Where did November go? I used to think the busy-ness of November and December was a bit of a lark. They can only be as busy as you make them, right?? And yet, somehow, despite doing no big Thanksgiving dinner with family and friends, no Christmas decorating or shopping or other Holiday prepping, November completely slipped away. I had blog posts planned, but not written. Words thought out again and again, but never typed. A plan, a dream, a mission. I've missed you, my friends.

And soon, my girls and I take off-to fly to a place often thought of, to pack our days with precious loved ones, to spend a month away from home. And I will miss you still.

May you all feel loved, may you all have hope, and may you all be at peace today.

Poetry in November

Shattered

My dreams
were big,
but I disregarded them all.
I focused
on one
and began to watch it fall.
All I needed to do was catch that star.

I searched,
I studied,
and I ran to catch that star.
I cried,
I pleaded,
I couldn't run that far.
In the end, the dream fell into bits upon the floor.

With pain,
with tears
I slowly picked those pieces up.
With silence
and fears
I scattered them out the door.
My big dream was gone forever.

But then,
one by one
strangers chose the pieces off the ground
with love
and tenderness
they cherished the treasures they had found
until only one was left.

I picked it up to realize it was the dream that would truly make me happy.
~2006

October's Best Books

My daughter and I loved this rhyming little ditty (okay, it's not a song, but it could be) of a book. Quick and easy to read it's simply fun to get through.

Ohhh, my. Cheerio and I found a copy of this book at our local used bookstore and I just couldn't pass it up. I remembered it from my childhood fondly, though I couldn't clearly remember the story line, and it didn't let me down. Cheerio also loves it and wonders "where my little toot, mom?" every time I put it away with the rest of the books.

And for me:

A first person account of an African child's experiences in war as an orphan, a soldier, a rehabilitated young man, and the moments the war caught up to him once again. A shocking horror as any war book will be.

A book set both in the eyes of a slave in southern U.S.A. and a modern day lawyer searching to discover the true painter to a set of famous and valuable paintings.

As someone who has little interest in newspapers and their electronic counterparts, I knew very little about the famous Amanda Knox and the case that surrounds her before picking up this book. I love these tragically real books-questionable guilt, innocent people accused, and police cases gone wrong- so really, this case was right up my alley and if I had had any notion of news at all, I probably would have been glued to the coverage with the rest of the world. I wonder if that would have brought a different outlook to this book?

Hope you all had an adventure-filled month with me!

10 ways to keep your nanny (without spending extra money)

In no particular order:

1. Find someone you trust, then trust her/him completely. Unless you are clear during the interview process that you will expect your nanny to stay home always, allow the nanny to bring your children places, to plan activities, and to care for them completely, just as you would with your spouse, parents, or best friend. Understanding that trust takes time to build, if you cannot trust your nanny completely after one year, it's probably time to find someone else.

2. Let her/him celebrate with  your children. Your nanny has grown to love your children and wants to be there to celebrate special occasions-birthdays, graduations, and other major accomplishments. Even if you cannot, or wish not to invite her/him into your own celebrations, make it clear that the nanny can plan a small second celebration during normal working hours-a gift, a cake, etc.

3. Schedule in regular time to discuss things with your nanny. Most "normal" jobs have monthly meetings, teachers schedule conferences with parents, and daycare's have both meetings AND conferences! Just as in these instances it is a good idea to schedule in time to discuss with your nanny how things are going. What you feel is missing in her/his performance, what the nanny is struggling to accomplish, any discipline concerns, what the children are learning (if applicable) and what things are going well for everyone concerned.

4. Don't ask her/him to work if you don't need them! This may have been a personal pet peeve of mine, but it was really frustrating to me to come to work on days when the parents planned to be home and spending time with the kids. When you are around your kids they want YOU-for everything! Realistically, the nanny isn't going to be much help and no matter how much he/she loves the work, watching you interact with your kids all day can be a bit boring. Your nanny would rather be at home that day-if you were going to pay her/him to come in for the day, it would be awfully nice for you to pass that on to her/him at home, too!

5. Be realistic. Even stay at home moms cannot get the dishes, laundry, vacuuming, dusting done everyday, so why would you expect it of your nanny? Pay close attention to what you accomplish on the days you're home with your kiddos, and don't expect much more from your nanny.

6. Don't be afraid to celebrate with him/her. People like to feel special. Most work places have set up cards for birthdays and anniversaries-your nanny is no different and likes to be remembered on these special days just as much as anyone.

7. Allow him/her to bring their children (when applicable) or be very clear during the interview process that you are not open to this (even if it seems as if there are no kids in his/her future-you never know how long they will work for you, or how quickly things might change!). Bringing kids is a HUGE benefit to any parent who is a nanny. Going hand in hand with this-be understanding about it. Your nannies children will probably demand more of her/his attention than your own simply because that is mom/dad-kids are always more comfortable with their own parents. Children have different temperaments, some seek out adults more often than others. Children of different ages demand varying amounts of attention. For example, babies take more hours worth of hands-on care than a five year old. Also, as long as no house rules are being broken, allow her/him to make their own parenting decisions. If your children are not being neglected, try to find a way to let it go.

8. Be clear on time. If you like to stay after work and chat with coworkers or grab a coffee, add those 10-20 minutes on to your time of arrival back home. If your work often changes and you never know if you can be home on time, make sure your nanny understands this before hire. If you go out of town on short notice, be sure your nanny understands this. If you are only on occasion expected to work late without notice be sure your nanny understands this, and don't be afraid to remind her/him occasionally. Whenever possible, notify your nanny of any changes ASAP.

9. If you notice that she/he has done something above and beyond your expectations, let her/him know! Praise goes a long way.

10. Okay, this one kind of breaks the rule about not spending extra money, but vacation time is always nice and paid is even better. If you get paid vacation at your job, your nanny would be ecstatic if you passed at least a portion of that on to her/him!

Are you a nanny? What keeps you working for your family? What do you wish they would change?

Depression is...

...funny. Not haha funny, but funny in the way in which the word is used to mean something that is so crazy you almost find it hard to believe. The way in which a coincidence is funny. Or irony is funny. A little sarcastic: a bit unbelieving that things could really be that way. You see--most people picture depression as a sadness. Something that forces you to crawl into bed and turn people away so you can cry in the dark all day long. Yes, depression can look like this, but that is just a hint of what depression can truly look like. Depression can be a myriad of emotions and feelings and thoughts and expressions. It is slightly different, yet entirely the same for each person. Mine is of sadness, and anger, and irritability, and thoughtfulness and yes, even of joy. I equate my struggles with postpartum depression as to that of a toddler. I can be utterly giddy with thankfulness and pleasure one moment, only for it to completely dissipate into irrational anger at some small thing where I turn to tantrums. It becomes an irritable anger so intense that it is pure uncaring hatred for anything in my way. Slamming doors and pounding fists. Stomping my feet across the floor, I fear at what I could use this anger for-what I could break, what I could hurt only to instantly regret and then, suddenly......the floor cracks underneath my stomping feet and disappears and some large, unseen beast comes up and swallows me whole as I tumble into that black space beneath the floor. He sucks out my insides and leaves me feeling a loss of which I never knew existed. A desire to sob uncontrollably, but the inability to find the source of my tears. A restless desperation to find them and set them free that lasts on into the night as stumble around in the darkness, looking. And occasionally, I find them-and what bliss it is to cry. Yet, how horrifying to discover the depths of my tears. The oceans of salt water existing inside me. This fear causes me to turn away from all-to wish to be alone in my personal drowning. How can anyone save me from this well that is inside myself? That circular life preserver cannot pull me to safety as I am not in the ocean, but the ocean is in me. Rather than unknowingly cling to someone in a desperate attempt to save myself, dragging them deep, I push them away. But, if they fight through my shoving hands, if they meet me in my ocean of tears and wrap me in a long, warm, strong hug-I cry harder, forcing that ocean out in raw, unwarranted sobs until I discover it is absorbed there in their t-shirt. The fact that a single t-shirt can hold entire oceans will never cease to amaze me. Nor will I ever stop being amazed that someone cares for me more than I, myself, possibly could in that moment. That they will fight for me. And, then, as if on a breeze...I am back to some other thought. Some other feeling. Some other moment. Some other day.


Depression is irritating. It is as if I am dragging my heart through the sand, each little particle embedding itself in a little deeper until I itch and ache. I do not want to feel this way, and yet I know no other way. I am frustrated with the pain, the anger, the hurt, and yet, I cannot figure out how to stop. How to change my path. My anger is deep, yet knowing it is there only makes me more angry. I snap-because I cannot rid myself of the feeling to snap, which makes me angry enough to put me over the edge. I become irritated at my heart. At my humanness. At myself. I cannot shake this irritation, this desire to not feel the way I do with no clue how to reign my feelings back in, to shut them down. I desire to feel normal, yet I cannot feel normal and it makes me crazy.

Depression is confusing. With so many thoughts and feelings flooding my brain, I feel as if I am losing control. I cannot concentrate on one thing. I forget what I am doing or where I am going. I forget what I wanted or where I can find it. I feel lost. I feel as if I am in a race where suddenly the start became the finish and no one clued me in. Everyone is running backwards and I continue gamely on as people swarm and surround me so that I cannot see my ultimate goal. I feel as though I am in a game of  which I originally understood, and then the rules completely changed and I am doing everything wrong, at the wrong times, with the wrong people. I can no longer make sense of reality. It is a logical knowing of the fact that, I have things good. That life is great and I am truly blessed. Still, it's the inability to get my feelings to match this logic all the time. To feel as if  my life is especially hard, or especially difficult, even while knowing it is not.

Depression is depressing. I berate myself every unwashed dish, every child's plea unfulfilled, every shower not taken. I agonize over every unorganized closet, every cobwebbed corner, every meal not made. I find all my flaws- any extra weight, perceived or real, any act of rudeness... meanness... thoughtlessness. And then I berate myself for berating myself and I cannot stop. I spiral into my self doubt, deeper and deeper.

Depression is exhausting. All those thoughts and feelings within the space of a few moments is tiring. The depths of those feelings tiring. But, more than that, I know I need to fight these feelings. I need to give myself leeway. I need to know that this is life-life is unwashed dishes, uncooked meals, unorganized closets. I need to remember that I am caring; a mother who loves completely her children, even if I do not respond to every moment with the attention it deserves. I need to remember that my husband feels loved, even though I do not wake up and make him breakfast each morning. I need to have patience with myself. I need to be vigilant for the negative thoughts and fight them. Vigilance is tiring. Fighting is tiring. No matter how many times I see the goodness in my life-the sunny smile of my baby, the beauty of a blue sky, a golden leaf, a long swim, a gentle walk, the abundance of my home, my family, my friends-I still need to force it upon myself again and again. I need to fight with my eyes and my brain to see and remember these things. I need to be conscious and vigilant at noticing each joy and fight through the greyness that can so quickly descend. Vigilance is tiring work. Fighting is tiring work. I need to force myself to move- I feel so confused, and sad, and angry, and annoyed that it can become so easy to just sit. To stare at the clouds out the window. To not eat. To not sleep. To not think. I have to be vigilant against these feelings. I have to fight through the confusion and take things step by step. I have to fight through the sadness and find the happy moment again. I have to fight through the anger and find my good cheer. Vigilance is tiring. Fighting is tiring. I need to reach out to people. I need to be vigilant against the monster who whispers that it is better to just let them go. I need to fight him, too tell him I do care about them, as they care about me. Vigilance is tiring. Fighting is tiring. Getting out the door is tiring. Thinking is tiring. Sleeping is tiring. Depression is all these things, but most of all, fighting depression is a battle I cannot do alone. I need love, support, and kindness even as I snap at you and push you away. It is so much easier to just give in, to not feel, to not think....to sink.


*for a description of depression that will have you in tears, visit Understanding Me, and this post here.