In The Most Unloving Of Ways

This quote has been going around teaching circles, parenting circles, Pinterest boards, and probably a variety of other 'circles'. And it is a great reminder to us all. But you know what? I think today we should take out the word "kids" and replace it with "humans". The humans who need the most love will ask for it in the most unloving of ways. Because, really, we silly humans, it's what we do. When we really need love, support, and encouragement, we bury ourselves in solitude. And while sometimes people really do just need that alone time, usually they can ask for it politely. They apologize, they explain, they ask. But, the best friend who just hollered at you to stay out of her life? She needs you. The sibling who rudely told you it's none of your business? He needs you. The classmate who  just cut you down? They need you. That person who just about killed you by telling you to get lost because they can live without you just fine? Yup, they are hurting you because they need you! Crazy, isn't it? The one who runs away, puts up walls, works hardest to avoid you-- They need you most! 

They need someone who will say, you know what? I'm not letting you run away from me. No matter how far, or how fast, or how long you run- I can keep up. And I'll be here. And you may not be ready to talk yet, but when you are, yep, you can turn to me. Until then, we can run in silence. I'm going where you're going, quietly. Not judging you, not begging you, not insisting that you open up to me, but just waiting to catch you when you trip. That wall you built? I'm gonna climb it. And maybe I can't quite reach the top. But at least then, when you feel lonely and look over the edge, you can spot me silently picking my way towards you and know you are loved. It's easy to allow their lashes to hurt us, to allow them to push us away because of it. But, when you know they are just shouting to be loved, we can set that hurt aside. We can be a bigger person than that. In our society we tend to think it's best to just watch someone run away. That when someone pushes us away we should give them space. That they will come around. That they will find us when they need us. But you know what? We're wrong. When they look around and see no one there they will feel alone and abandoned and unloved. So let's change this. Let's show them they are loved. Will you help me?

Have you used these tactics to push people away? And did it work?

Recovering From A Bad Night

We are often told that the phrase "I'm sorry" doesn't fix anything, but that one little phrase is actually quite powerful. While it may have originated as a reminder not to hurt one another, or perhaps it just meant that it's the feelings behind the words that count, it has been skewed almost to the point where we believe an apology can't and won't help in creating the change we want.

We had one of those nights in our home last week-you know the kind. The baby (Jumper) was crying and wouldn't go to sleep, there was music playing the the background and in the background of that the dishwasher was running and the air conditioner was on, and in the foreground Cheerio was asking way too many why questions for my brain to keep up, there were Lego's strewn on the floor and in the process of trying to avoid them I kept smashing cold cereal and crackers into the carpet. No one had eaten a real supper, and we were likely all hungry, but I couldn't figure out a reasonable meal between the crying and the asking and the mess. I had had too many late nights combined with too many early mornings- I was tired. My brain was shutting down and was annoyed that it had to keep coming up with 'because' responses until it finally just refused, and when it did, that's when it happened. I yelled. I hollered. I blew up. I lost it. I screamed at the top of my lungs something like "Just BECAUSE that's the way it IS! And DARN IT would you JUST GO TO SLEEP ALREADY!!!!" And I probably stomped my foot and I may have thrown things to the floor which sent Cheerio scampering off to hide in her bedroom like she does, and set the baby to crying louder and harder. And then I felt like a terrible person, I mean, who hollers at such sweet little kids? Certainly not the first time I've done it. In the past I have made a point to come back after I've calmed down and tell my children that I should not have gotten angry like that. That I was tired and hungry, that they caught me at a bad time, that I had a headache, whatever, but that it was not right for me to take it out on them. I say sorry. I tell them I love them. We snuggle and kiss and try to restore some small part of trust that was lost in our exchange. And I did it that night, but I forgot one small part that was glaringly obvious to my daughter. I came into my four year old's room and wrapped her in my arms and explained to her all that had gone wrong, what I had done wrong, how much I loved her and what a great, loving, inquisitive little girl she was. And then I tried to send her on her way. But, she instantly burst into tears. That was unusual, so back into my lap she came. "Oh, honey, whats wrong? Why are you still crying?" I asked. "It's okay!" I reassured her. "You don't need to cry."

"B-b-but, but, b-but....You didn't say I'm Sorry yet!" She sobbed.

And so I did. And so she dried her eyes, and accepted another hug, and picked up her dinosaur's and went off to play. So you see, my friends, "I'm sorry" really can fix everything. At least when you're four.


What do you do in your house to reconnect with your children after a bad night? Do you think saying "I'm Sorry" helps at all? 

A Last Poem From An Old Collection

The Night Sky

A wish for love....

A wish for peace...

A wish for family...

A wish for dreams...

A wish for just one hug...

A wish for a single butterfly kiss...

A wish for a soaring swing ride...

A wish for a day on the beach...

A wish for a frozen castle fortress...

A wish for melting ice cream....

A wish for a wiggling puppies bark...

A wish for flip flops in the rain...

each star captures a wish,

suspended.

But don't concentrate on the stars-

look at all the space between them,

wishes that have already come true.

2006

image taken from here

Great Beauty

...is found everywhere. Even in they dying. The dying of the day brings us a beautiful sunset while the dying of the night is a sunrise. The dying of winter brings us tender, new buds and the dying of summer brings freshly gowned trees in glorious colors. And my thoughts linger on the melting of the snow, the glory of a life gone by.

© Jenae Karvonen March 2015

 For you see, the past few weeks these dying flowers keep capturing my attention. As I bustle through the making of meals, the absolute minimum of cleaning and scrubbing I can squeeze in to get by, the washing of tummy drenched bedding.... and more bedding... and more bedding(!) I can't help but smile as I pass by my seemingly unloved bouquet. It was hurriedly clipped and dropped into a jar of water, pushed back onto the windowsill to clear space for sippy cups full of pedialyte and ice cream pails for those lucky moments when we're quick enough....but my browning flowers are completely loved. For they were lovingly chosen by a little girl who knew that 'mommy likes white and clean. It's her favorite' and intentionally purchased by a husband who just likes to see me smile. May my dying flowers bring you a smile today, too. I can always do with a new smile or two, what has made you smile this week?

© Jenae Karvonen March 2015

You Are Amazing!

When sitting down to write today I took a quick peek at my drafts for some inspiration and I noticed a theme: Almost all my post ideas are things we as moms, as Americans, as regular human beings, could work on. Things to pay attention to. Something to do more often or less often. Something to concentrate on to make the world a better place. But all those can wait. Because today, today I am here to tell you-yes, you- you wonderful human being-you thoughtful person out living and loving-you who are struggling through the hard days and breathing in the good ones-you who are out there doing the best that you know how- it may not seem like much, but

you are doing a great job!

©Jenae Karvonen 2006

7 Ways to Use Facebook for Good

1. Facebook is a hot bed of all kinds of news-vacations, new babies, new houses, new hobbies, old hobbies, good days, bad days, funerals, sicknesses. Take a moment to celebrate with or cheer up a friend by using their news to connect with them. Make them a card or call them on the phone. What better way to brighten someones day?! Even if you don't know them well, or haven't talked to them in years, they are your Facebook friend, after all, right??

2. Use all the news mentioned in the previous point to interact with and focus on others. Don't just use it to spread your own news, but pay attention to what others are saying. Comment on their posts-celebrate, sympathize, encourage!

3. Use what you find as an opportunity to better your relationship with God. Take the opportunity to pray for others, and to be thankful for what you have!

4. Focus on positivity. If you don't have anything good to say, don't say it. Keep your comments upbeat. It might be good to pause a moment before hitting the post button and ask yourself: 'would I like to receive this comment?'

5. Send a heartfelt message to your mom. Saying thanks isn't just for Mothers Day you know!

6. Donate to a good cause, or better yet, advocate for one! This can even be as simple as organizing a group of friends to visit someone who is going through a tough time.

7. Pare down your news feed so you can focus on those things that are really important to you! Not only will you come away feeling more fulfilled, but you'll also have more time to spend on other things that matter, too! For example: your husband, your kids, your parents, the book on your nightstand, a new hobby...

Longingful: A Poem

Ah, the sweet bliss of summer.
Time for sun-rise jog on the beach
savor cool drink on the porch swing with mom
fight haze with body-shock splash from buckets with brothers
soak in the heat, develop sun-streaks and dark tones with sisters
splash in still pools, laugh under cascades, drip-dry on towels with friends
lap drippy cones, suck melty ice, swap sun-filled looks with boyfriend
and then:
  he's gone and
         hot tears burn my cheeks
      as the rest of me froze.

Oh, the bright colors of fall.
Time for "grandma's specials" sweaters
crunch through woods, admire, exclaim with dad
go dizzy down hill, burst into leaves with brothers
taste-test coffees, tryout scarves with sisters
giggle through malls, pull out sharpened pencils with friends
and then:
  they test the world and
          hot tears burn my cheeks
     as the rest of me froze.

And, the blind dazzle of winter.
Time for bubble-filled soaks
spice aroma, flour fill, taste bud thrill cookies with mom
triumphant splat, dive back white, scoop, pat with brothers
bundle up starry-eye, star-fill, clear night glides with sisters
and then:
  they become families and
         hot tears burn my cheeks
     as the rest of me froze.

So, the hope of spring.
Time for the melting that forgets to come
insect inspection, nature perplexion with dad
puddle splash, umbrella lash, mud bash with brothers
and then:
  they continue to grow and
          hot tears burn my cheeks
      as the rest of me froze.

The loss of seasons.
The end of a time...
and then:
  a search for new as
         hot tears burn my cheeks
     and the rest of me is frozen,

December, 2007